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Honey is Sweet You'd think - 2006-05-12 At the moment it feels as if so many things are changing/over. I'm not sad about any of it, but I am perfectly lonely. That part isn't so good. I think. After I last phoned Megret, and she told me about how she wasn't a part of my family anymore, that I had cut her off and, oh, I don't know. Her shit, I know it. But it feels pretty final. I know I won't be phoning her any more - barring some unforeseen circumstance like her initiating a new relationship with me or sending me something. Not very likely, but I can't rule it out either. I'm not sorry. I doubt I'll miss her - at least as far as things have been. I'll miss having someone to tell my flashbacks to, and I'll miss the feeling of having someone who knows me so well. But then, I don't know how well she ever knew me. Multiples are like that. I feel as if a stage of life with my husband is over. We don't have a marriage any longer - at least not one that I understand as 'marriage.' We have a partnership, we will certainly continue as parents to our children and present a united front to the world, just because that is something we do. But I don't want to sleep in the same bed with him. I don't want him to kiss me, especially not the little pecks he almost hits me with at odd intervals. I don't particularly want to talk to him. I mean, we can talk about things like finances and household chores, and the children, but I find I don't want to just talk to him. And that's fine, too. It's been a quarter of a century. Plenty of old married couples like us I guess. If I thought there was the possibility of a 'man of my dreams' out there somewhere I probably would want to end it, but there is not. Maybe such a thing exists for some people, but, I don't see it in my life. My life is still so much more than I could ever have imagined, foreseen, or hoped for. I started to far back, you know? And this is good. Good enough, I guess. For now. For me. Maybe another time I won't feel that way. That's the way it is today. I wish I could have it more, better, you know, like in the movies, and the image that other couples present to the world. But I can't and I don't. Maybe it's not even real. Doesn't matter, it's not here, not now, for me. I can be content with what is. As long as we're not pretending it is something that it is not. Neil and I. We aren't talking. Will we ever talk again? I don't know. Not if it's up to me, the way I am feeling right now. It's up to him to try to initiate something, to start, to make a gesture or a move in my direction. Is it going to happen? I don't think so. Maybe tomorrow I'll be trying again, but today? I think now. I haven't the energy for him, either. One really good outcome out of all this is that I have had much more energy for my children. I talk with them. I make eye contact. I even play with them or do schoolwork with them. More and more often. I like the way that feels. I like liking myself for being a better ima. Now if only I could do something about the house... *** It's a couple of hours later... I just got hit in a conversational hit-and-run with Megret. I don't know why I called her back. I really don't know what is going on. I don't feel like I can say anything to her - nothing I say seems to penetrate, and I just can't argue any longer. But why did I call back? That's the question I don't know how to answer, other than, I don't know how to not call her back if she calls and asks. And she did ask. No. It's more that I don't know how to not call back when someone asks for help. I'm mangling this, but I know what I am trying to say. I guess what is missing is that --- I don't know. It's all bullshit. Maybe there is not way to put words to it that is not bullshit. Anyway, I want to get some sleep, take my pills only two hours later rather than even later. I want to get back to the place I was when I started writing this of just not caring. Now I am being bent about Megret - bent is not not caring. I really wish, now, I hadn't returned her phone call. You'd think I'd have learned something by now. 0 bleats so far:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::
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