I had a hard time logging on today. I don't know if it was my typing or what - had trouble getting my name and password to work, anyway. *sigh* I hope it's just being tired, not the M.S. So far, my typing has been largely survivable. I do have to make a *lot* of corrections, but at least it works.

Things with John, well. I would like to think it's better. It is better. But it is so, so very hard. My hopes and expectations have steadily declined all the years we've been married. It seems that we haven't hit a bottom yet. So, lessened expectations means less disappointment. That is a good thing.

I need to be really clear that I am not talking about lessening my expectations about the things that are absolute necessities. I will not tolerate any abusive behaviour from him ever again. He continues to work and support his family, he takes care of things that need taking care of (mostly) and helps me out when I ask. I ask a lot less frequently now, though.

Which means that less gets done, and it's been so long since my hair was properly washed I don't remember how long it's been. I should go to the hairdresser and see if she would just wash my hair for me. I wonder if I can afford that? Once a week would be fine, and better than I live with now. I rinse my hair with water but it is just not the same. My hair doesn't get too greasy here (something about dry desert air?) but there is so much filth in the air that it doesn't ever get quite clean. And I would like to try using olive oil on my hair, as a conditioner, but if I can't get it washed, I certainly can't put oil in.

I am supposed to have an appointment with a social worker for an intake to see about me getting some help around the house and/or with personal care. I just really hope s/he speaks English. *sigh* I think I've largely given up on communicating in Hebrew. I keep working on it, going to ulpan, practicing when I can. I can read more street signs, good, and understand more of things like subtitles in movies and catch more of other people's conversations. All good signs. For what? Either someday I will be able to converse in Hebrew or I won't. I can't lose sleep over it today.

Today (May 17th) is/was Hans' 18th birthday. I feel really bad, it didn't go as I would have liked, and I didn't even have a real present to give him. TH did almost no preparation, so it was all last minute. He says it was good, though. He got presents he wants, and of course it is good to be eighteen.

He has decided to try and get released from the IDF. He's seriously going to go through all the headaches and jump through the hoops. At least that is the plan right now. He's got one more driving test, theoretically, on Sunday. It will either go or it won't. I know which way I am hoping...

Anyway, happy birthday Hans! I'm sorry I slept late, that I forgot to wish you a happy birthday right away, and that I slept through several hours of the afternoon and evening when I would have preferred to be with you, or baking you a cake. I'm glad you think it was a good birthday. May you have many, many more each one even better.

I actually started packing for my trip to the U.S. today. John got a couple of suitcases, well and suitcase and a duffle bag, ready and I had mentally tallied up much of what I wanted to bring. It all went well except for the part where I knocked over a jar that had nasty water in it from some parsley that had been left in it too long. Yuck. Fortunately Zechy and Hans were up and could help with the clean-up. And Hans did a bunch of the washing up. Thank you Hans!

I haven't mentioned that Zechy does pretty much all of the laundry these days. I have a dream... that we should come back from the U.S., and get caught up enough with life that I can once again take on the laundry, and some housework. It's a small dream, but a lot for me. More than I can do right now.

Havva is doing okay, I guess. She really likes working in the library, it seems, or would if she was working with people who belonged in a library. They are not interested in books, not interested in the ordering of books, not interested in the history or anything that would make a library job a good one for you. So Havva ends up doing the lion's share of the work, not that she minds, but having to deal with a lot of unpleasantness along the way. Not that they are nasty, but two of them outrank her, but she is always being told (as the one who actually works) to get the others to do this and that, which she can't do since they do outrank her. And things which she would be just as happy not to be associated with her are.

She also hates living here. I mean in this house and in this community. Not Israel. I can't imagine prying her out of this country. It's a little hard, having one determined to live here and one determined to live in the U.S., and Jessica talking about making aliyah at odd intervals and others about being quite fixed where she is.

I still miss my uncle. Just for the record. I don't know why, but it goes through my head at intervals, like just now. So I wrote it.

I would like to write more, but I think I have to get some sleep. I'm sorry if I lose a lot of my diaryland friends in this transition, but I really, really need to do this, even if it takes years. I am not yellow, I am not happy, I am not the person who started the other diary, even if I am, also.

What hasn't changed is that I am tired, up too late, and in a stressful life situation. Things go up, things go down, life doesn't get easy. Better, but not easy. I still want some easy. *Sigh*

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06