Botticelli me thumbnail
- Profile -+- Notes -+-Archives-+- E-Mail -+-Diaryland-+- Fotolog -+- Latest -

Honey is Sweet

Gah! - 2006-06-13

I started this early this morning, several things have happened since, and I am starting over, giving up on making any sort of sense of what happened or my life. In the past or now.

The search and rescue has turned into 'recovery,' in other words they are looking for a body. There is the possibility that my mother's brother is my biological father, unconfirmed and likely unconfirmable either way, which begs the question if his body is found 'Do I sit shiva?' Which leads me to hope that his body is not found. Well, if it should happen that he is still alive, yes, but not a dead body. Not for thirty days at least. I'm terribly sorry for my aunt and cousins if so, but, so much better for me if his body is not recovered in thirty days.

I've had friends and neighbors asking me, somewhat pointedly, why I am so concerned about this. I haven't seen the man in eleven years. We aren't exactly close and I have often referred to him as 'my rich uncle the asshole.' Which he has been, to me. This is the man who, when I asked him for a loan (not a gift, a loan) to help us out when our landlords decided to sell the house right out from under us and leave us homeless (this was twenty years ago) told me that he couldn't see what possible benefit it would be to society to help me out. THAT kind of asshole.

Yeah, so, I can't very well tell them I think it's possible he is my father. That wouldn't fly. Trust me on this one. The offspring of a brother and sister is a momzer, outcast, not allowed to marry another Jew ... yeah, they are that medieval around here. A good reason to get the hell out of this community. Not that there aren't plenty of others.

Argh. So, John has been offered a six month contract to work for a U.S. company in Atlanta, with the bribe of a two week trip to the U.S. for 'meetings,' which is a cover for an opportunity for him to visit the grandkids at the expense of the company. This is through his Israeli employer. It's very thoughtful, very sweet, and we don't want it. We want him working directly for a U.S. company, both for the salary and for the freedom to move around.

I don't know what Hashem wants us to do, I just know that what *I* want is to get the hell out of Neve Aliza (the name of this neighborhood) and to have some freedom regarding how the kids are schooled, which will be much easier if we aren't living full time in Israel.

I didn't go to ulpan tonight. I slept until 4pm, much needed, and just couldn't bring myself to go. That was before John told me that you don't sit shiva without a body. I was pretty stressed. I have no class tomorrow night, and so I'm off the hook until yom rishon, Sunday. I may not be learning a lot of Hebrew, but I can let my body rest and recover at last - it needs it pretty desperately.

I had so much I wanted to write, but now I'm tired, and my body is in complete revolt, and I feel like this whole entry is garbage, but having had to throw out the last one, I'm not going start over again. I'm tired. How can I still be tired? I hope it's not the M.S. I am so not ready for another relapse right now. If it is, it's not a big one. One thing is I can't tell the difference between M.S. symptoms and stress symptoms at the moment. *sigh*

I'm going to stop. Everything I'm typing makes me hate this a little more. That's the tired and the pain. I hope I sleep tonight. It is easier with Philip considered to be dead. Anything that happens from here on can only help, or at least, not make things any worse. I hope.

My cat, who spent a good chunk of the day asleep on my laptop, one of the reasons my previous entry didn't go, is lying on top of the aron (a kind of portable closet/wardrobe), purring so loudly I wondered if it could be from the television at first. A delight, to hear my cat purring. It's been a while. Happy cat.

I can't change the sheets on the bed, the body isn't up to it, so that is my final I really am going to stop typing now. I'm sitting on the bed, John has to change the sheets. My life. So fascinating.

I could use a few days with the largest problem being sorting out the dirty laundry.

Okay, bye for now.

0 bleats so far

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06