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Honey is Sweet

Yuck - 2006-06-24

I'm grateful for: an early morning; bird song

From a letter I wrote around 5am this morning:

About the job interview, we haven't heard anything. The head-hunter says maybe sometime next week. Here's hoping.

At the moment my head is full of a couple of other things. Hurtful things. I don't know why. It's not like it's new, or news, or anything that hasn't been present in my life anytime the last two decades at least. But just at the moment I am really feeling how much my mother and my husband hate me.

I don't suppose they hate me all the time, and my husband at least is incapable of acknowledging it when it is true - he is barely able to admit that he is angry about an unspecified 'something.'

I'm feeling a little bit sick of it. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I'm not sure what, if anything, I could do differently. It certainly helps that I have six beautiful, healthy children and two beautiful healthy grandchildren, and that whatever my husband's feelings for me, they usually don't interfere with our having a working relationship.

Part of what is bringing this up is that he almost pushed me down the stairs in my wheelchair at a movie theatre Thursday night.

The other thing is an email from my mother, saying how glad she is that she doesn't have to deal with her brother's rejection any more. Her brother's body was found, and it turns out he committed suicide. Not a surprize to anyone, apparently. My mother had, in our last conversation, told me I was just like her brother.

I happened to wake up very early this morning, after sleeping almost the entire day (and night) away yesterday. I came downstairs, it was quiet, and peaceful. I was able to get myself something to eat, and to relax and listen to the birds outside. There are a LOT of birds here. It was lovely.

I felt moved to go outside for a little bit. I didn't even take my cane, I just walked by myself down the ramp and along the path next to our house 'til I was a close as I could get to the birdsong. It was lovely. And then I just suddenly collapsed in tears.

I don't know if anything that is 'wrong' (to my limited understanding) is fixable. I don't know what Hashem's plans are, or where our next move will be, or if I will be able to function more/better, or whether or not John and I will stay together or move further apart.

It was wonderful to step outside in the early morning quiet and hear the birds, and even some buzzing bees. It just highlighted everything that isn't wonderful in my life right now. I want to run away, I want to *do* something. I want to put a lot of effort and energy into changing things, I want the motion that sometimes we confuse with progress.

I'm glad I know enough these days to just stay still and wait until the right direction becomes clear, and to try and be ready to move when the opportunity opens up. Whether or not I can stay this attuned to my higher power in my life I don't know. I usually end up losing it, getting all caught up in the things I 'have' to do, and forgetting to stop and ask what He wants from me. I'm hopeful that at least I seem to be hanging on to this moment of sanity longer than I have in the past. It is progress, of a sort.

Anyway, still waiting and hoping on the job front, still looking for someplace else to live, still trying to do the next right thing, and extremely grateful that there was no way I could have attended that memorial service. It's bad enough being snubbed long distance.

Oy, my sister will be talking to me tonight. Oy, oy. I hope it's not too awful. And my daughter called - John didn't bother to tell me until it was too late to call yesterday. My lovely husband. So I can phone her, someone I actually *want* to talk to, at least.

And that is all for now.

I think I'm lost with my head up my butt, seeing the world in all those lovely shades of brown. *Sigh*

***

A lot of my malaise is hormonal. It helps to know that. And the rest? Well, I am damn tired of spending even one second on people for whom I am not good enough. If you think I am not good enough for you, as a mother, as a person, as a woman, whatever, I'm happy to do us both the favour of staying the hell away from you.

With the inevitable two exceptions - my mother and my husband. Yeah, now? I'm perfectly willing to do without the husband. But that is in Hashem's hands. I'm just waiting, still waiting, for direction.

The kids want to see me, I want to see them, but as long as being with them means having to stuff whatever shit is going on inside my head, it's a bad idea. So for the moment I'm holed up in my room. Wishing I had someone to spew all the shit out at, in order to get it out from between my ears.

Bottom line is, I just don't have the time for anyone who can't see me, accept me, like me, deal with me as I am, without the negative judgments. Period. Not the time or the energy. Which makes it even more urgent to move out of here... I think. Maybe it's not them, but even if not, this is not the right place for me. Period.

I carry on, don't I? Yuck.

I'm listening to: Someone's granddaughter crying outside my window

0 bleats so far

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

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Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
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