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Honey is Sweet

This isn't it - 2006-06-25

I'm grateful for: a walk in the sun; my wonderful children; sleep

I started this in a letter this morning. It didn't get finished or sent:

I got up early this morning, so I was wide awake when John came downstairs - pretending that absolutely nothing had happened. This is his standard operating procedure. Never mind the fact that I'd cried myself to sleep last night after one of the nastiest fights we'd had.

I ended up blowing up at him. Also normal, unfortunately. He asked me if I wanted breakfast, and I couldn't answer him. I couldn't act as if nothing else was going on. So I blew. I barely remember some of the things I said. It's easy to remember the things he said, he didn't say anything much. He said once 'I don't understand you.' And he announced that he was going to be moving out of our shared bedroom (no complaints here). Me I carried on - it was quite theatrical. I can't ever just say anything to him, if I do that it bounces off of his armour with no resistance whatsoever. I need to get up volume, and carry on, and put on a show (have I mentioned I have to do this in front of other people? If it's just John and myself I might as well save the effort, not a single word or action will be remembered by him. It's amazing).

So I carried on. I hate it. I hate doing that. It's a choice, though, better than the alternative which is to be completely ineffective. Although I suppose in the large sense it is ineffective anyway because nothing is going to get through to him, he is not going to change, he is going to be what he is.

***

And then just got sent a few moments ago:

Hi. This is just a quick note to say hi. All is 'well' here. John has moved into the small room which used to be our 6yo son's room. 6yo is now sleeping in my bed. I'm not complaining.

I can't sleep. There's been too much emotional shit flying in the air. There are things we have to do as a family that probably aren't getting/won't get done because John isn't talking to me. No, that's not true. John never talks to me, it's because I'm not hammering on him to make communication happen. I don't know what happens next. I don't care too much, either. I'll definitely feel better if I can get a full night's sleep. That looks doubtful tonight because I fell asleep after supper and then woke at 9:30pm. I'm covered in nasty bugbites and summer has arrived here with a vengeance. Really horrible weather.

I didn't get to my ulpan tonight, or the meeting. I guess Hashem knows what He's doing, but I wouldn't mind getting a peek at a scroll right about now.

I'm going to write a bit in my diary and try to get some more sleep.

Be well, all, and Gd bless,

***

So here I am writing in my diary. Yup. Nothing more to say, I guess. It's been a tumultuous couple of days.

Always, before, I've been the one to give in, make amends, bury the hatchett, whatever that got us back to where we'd always been. I don't know if that is going to happen this time or not. I do know I want the damn bugs to stop biting me, and the temperature to drop.

I went out on a walk today, which is something new and different. I pushed the wheelchair for balance, and was able to walk all the way to the makolet. I arrived completely breathless and unable to talk, but I made it. It was fun. Zechy, Simcha and Eliyahu came with me, and we brought the dog. We all had a bit of icecream (I gave a bit of mine to the dog), then walked home again. Not hugely exciting as things go for the able-bodied, but for me a major outing and we all enjoyed i immensely.

I'm tired of my life. Just tired of it. I'm tired of waiting for things to change. I'm tired of all the shit. I'm so tired.

I just tried to talk to Neil. I give up.

I don't know what I need. I just know this isn't it.

I'm listening to Tina Turner: I Can't Stand The Rain

0 bleats so far

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06