I'm grateful for: walking to the makolet; sleeping at night; eating better

Yeah, so, I'm ugly.

Not really, I don't know why I typed that. I guess I'm feeling ugly inside. Neil and I had a meeting last night - I didn't say anything. I just couldn't find anything to say.

The freeze is on with John.

I don't know where it goes from here. I don't think I care very much. It's in Hashem's hands. I have done everything I can. Either the marriage continues or it doesn't. Either things return to the way they were, or they don't. Either John makes a move in my direction or he doesn't. I can't care anymore. I've done everything, everything I can think of, everything I am capable of. It's up to him.

Right now he is sleeping in a separate bedroom. Eliyahu is sleeping in my bed with me. He's a better companion, even if he does disturb my sleep all night. Last night he poked, punched and even pinched me in the breast. In his sleep. What a guy.

Still, I'd rather sleep with someone I know likes me, loves me even. It can't last, Eliyahu is six, and really shouldn't be sleeping with his ima, but as things are going, Hans will be heading back to the states in the next few months I guess. Which then moves Eliyahu downstairs with Zechy. Picture Zechy thrilled. Yeah.

I didn't write for a few days because Monday was over-the-top day, and I needed to recover. Monday the whole family went to Maale Levona for a sheep-shearing festival, and we checked out the yeshuv. The air is so clean, the water is good, it's quiet, and of course they have and shear sheep. I have no illusions about us moving there - that is also in Hashem's hands. And I really did want to go to the north. It was so nice to be there... except that it made my heart hurt.

Watching people shearing sheep and not being able to do it, people were spinning also, and I couldn't do anything but watch, from a distance. I had to leave. I couldn't watch, it hurt too much. I don't know.

I suppose we'll go out for a shabbos, see that it's like then. I met one woman there I seemed to really like/get on with. She has a fifteen-year-old daughter who made fast friends with Simcha. I would like to see them again, at least.

Maale Levona is in the shtochim, beyond Ariel. Which means if we move there we are putting ourselves pretty seriously at risk of being thrown out of our home if the gub'ment gets to throwing people out like they say they are. It makes you wonder, the first 'disengagement' was so successful. Yeah. Something like 77% of the people thrown out of their homes are still without work, suffering financially. I don't know the number that are still homeless, but it is fairly significant. This is how the gub'ment takes care of it's citizens. Hey, they aren't 'settlers' anymore, they are in pre-1967 Israel. Why are they still evil?

That's not it, I know. It's all just bullshit, and Israel refuses to learn the lessons of it's history. In the 1950's Israeli's got complacent, and when the 1956 war was launched the country was completely unprepared. Pretend we can get along with our neighbours like an ordinary country.

Anyway, the point is that I can't make the choice to move there, because I can't realistically deal with possibly having to move, on sort notice, losing all our stuff (again) - by choice. On the other hand, if it seems Hashem is moving us there, I am not going to argue. A person can get used to little things like clean air and water. Last night while I was sleeping fitfully (thanks Eliyahu), I could smell the crap drifting in the air. It was just awful. You'd just have to experience it to understand.

In Azzun and Kalkilye (transliterated spellings the best I can) they pile their garbage - ALL their garbage - onto giant heaps and burn it. That includes biological waste, plastics, electronics, chemicals, you-name-it. ALL the garbage. Then the burn it once or twice a week. This black shit drifts about on the breeze, visual evidence of the poison that we are breathing. I can't imagine how they live with it, but I suppose they must become accustomed - or maybe they don't. It is so nasty.

I'm not picking on Azzun and Kalkilye, pretty much all the arab towns and cities do the same thing. Those are just the two we are downwind of and have to drive past. Whee, fun.

Then of course there is that lovely middle-eastern practice, everyone here does it, of auto/tire shops burning all the used tired 'out back' whenever the piles get to large. There was a tire fire in Rosh Ha'ayin Monday - you could see the column of black smoke for a long way. And smell it. Yuck.

Anyway, after going to Maale Levona, and trecking all over the old part of the yeshuv (we didn't get to see any of the new construction, where we would probably end up renting at least until we could make a house habitable), then we drove home and I sat up with Shana, that's the woman who is writing my life story, until after eleven. We lost track of time. We really get on well and enjoy talking, which makes that easy. She had a new baby, a little girl, born just before Shavuot. We had a hard time shooing Neil and Simcha out of the room, they just wanted to hold the baby. :-) We need more babies around, that's all there is to it.

What with such a full day, and getting to bed very late compared to my more recent 9pm-ish bedtime, I was a complete basket case yesterday.

I still managed to walk up to the makolet - I've now done it four days in a row. Pretty impressive for me. We didn't bring the dog, though. She felt really sad, and so did I, but it's a good thing we didn't bring her. It would have been awfully hard. As it was I barely made it, really.

I've given up on the ulpan. I am hoping to get a subscription to the 'easy' Hebrew newspaper and keep working on it, but not having to leave the house for hours three times a week on a strict schedule will do much more for my health and my family right now than the Hebrew. *Sigh*

So, after the walk I pretty much sat around sweating (dreadful weather we are having) until John came home. I would have retreated to my room then, but he made a delicious supper. I'm a sucker. And after that I zoned out some more until Neil said he wanted a meeting. I fell asleep right afterward and slept until around seven a.m. In theory I should be well rested now. In theory.

I haven't managed breakfast so I'm just noshing on Doritos and hoping one of my sons makes an appearance before it is too much later. Another walk to the makolet today, and the thought makes me happy. It has to be good for my health, exercise, what passes for 'fresh' air, getting out of the house. And no John.

I really wish he would get offered a job in the U.S. Soon.

I'm getting distracted by other things, now Hans and Simcha are up. Hans brought me some breakfast, yeaa, and Simcha threw up last night and is still feeling sick. I guess I'd best work on being functional for another day.

I'm listening to Arctic Monkeys: Dancing Shoes

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06