I'm grateful for: carrots and cucumbers; a quiet day off; fans

I can't keep up with people or maintain anything like regular correspondance. My life is a living, breathing soap-opera. Only without the commercials. I'd like a commercial break, please...

Let me think, when did I last write a diary entry? I can't remember. Already.

Yesterday, Friday, John was on his very, very best behaviour. Actually sweet. We went grocery shopping. With everyone sick in the house, no teenagers even able to come along and help, and me in no shape to be driving, he drove me so I could buy the food we need. Can't trust him to do it, it's a man thing, I swear.

At the supermarket he was all helpful, loaded the cart the way I want. He generally just throws things in, and the cart is full before we've covered half the store, and then he spends the rest of the time just shoving things around and piling on top so that the bread, chips, fruit, you-name-it is under the soda or the frozen foods are sitting on top of the fresh hot bread... that sort of thing. He was helpful at the checkout, rather than standing in my way while not doing what needed doing. He willingly drove around Kfar Saba to make three stops at three different places so we could get juice treats for the kids, some new dvd's to watch and new glasses, the last of the old ones having broken this week. Okay, he got the wrong (too small) glasses, and then lied about it. For John this was A+ behaviour.

I was actually starting to unbend a little bit toward him, and had to work at remaining emotionally distant as I have been. It was a masterful performance on his part. I was helped by the heat, in that I didn't have the energy to even grunt at him several times he made gestures that were not-quite-friendly overtures. Everyone was still sick, so supper was kind of dreary. And for some reason he didn't make the pita pizzas. I'm not clear what the reason was, since we had the pitas, the tomato sauce, the cheese... Maybe it was just John being a dickhead?

Havva is sick now, and Zechy (the last holdout) and after supper and a movie John reverted to his old self. Or rather, continued to be himself, despite a brief respite from complete thoughtlessness and assholery. He did get Eliyahu into bed, and crashed himself.

Fortunately Zechy woke up and managed to get Eliyahu to the bathroom (he needs to be gotten up to pee in the middle of the night, or he wets the bed. With he and I sharing a bed, that just cannot be allowed to happen - in my worldview, anyway). I was nigh unto dead - the heat, the M.S., shopping, and just the weight of dealing with whatever the emotional morass is that my husband drags about with him and tries to get me to shoulder.

Oy, I think I forgot to mention John has gotten a new gig at work, and will be working from home starting Wednesday or Thursday. I think Hashem truly must hate me. How on earth I am going to manage with the man in the house 24 hours a day I don't know. I'm sure I will, somehow, I just can't see how at the moment. I dread it, truly.

He also got a phone call saying he was going to be offered a new job in New Jersey, but the job offer hasn't materialized yet. So for the moment we are just stuck with assuming he's going to be here. *sigh*

Last night, about three or four am, my little guy, Eliyahu, woke me up. He can't sleep. He is itching terribly. I sounds to me like bug bites, so I run my hand over his feet looking for lumps or bumps. Nothing. I suggest he try to stop scratching and see if left alone his feet will settle down. Nope, nothing doing. After maybe 45 minutes I give up. I didn't actually need any sleep anyway, you know? We get up and knock on the door of the room John is sleeping in. John is awake and I explain Eliyahu can't sleep, can he get up and be with him? Only then the light falls on his back. Eliyahu's back, in case I wasn't clear.

My first thought was that it was a sunburn. A severe sunburn with blistering. John runs for the After-burn and starts slathering it on his back and neck, but the red isn't confined to his back, and is places he COULDN'T have gotten sunburned, and oh, my, it is frightening. Our dr. is on vacation. His answering machine has the names of a couple of dr.s to call, but no phone numbers. We can't find the dr.s in the phone book, we don't have any emergency numbers for the health service, John is ready to take Eliyahu to the E.R. ...

To shorten this drama a little bit - how did my writing get so dramatic? I guess I was all caught up in the feelings of urgency and it spilled out on the 'page.' We tried everything we could think of. Woke up Zechy to tell him we were leaving to take Eliyahu to the hospital. Woke up Havva to see if she could figure out phone numbers or find something in the phone book we hadn't (she is reasonably fluent in Hebrew). It turns out that the After-burn actually helped, but it burned going on. I think it's an allergic reaction but I can't imagine to what until John tells me that Neil used shampoo to make the bubble-bath for Eliyahu earlier in the day. Say what?

Does anyone else think this is insane? Not children's shampoo, mind you. What could he (they) possibly have been thinking? John seemed to think it was perfectly reasonable to submerge a small child in adult shampoo and was amazed to find out I thought otherwise. ???

In any event the culprit apprears to have been the 'bubble-bath.' We got caladryl on him - pretty much covering his whole body. Surprizingly (and Barukh Hashem) he had no rash on his privates, even though every other part of his body below the neck was affected - some parts more than others.

This morning after the sun was up John was able to find a neighbor to take him and Eliyahu to a different dr. on the yeshuv. I was in no shape to go, they walked. The heat here is back up to blast-furnace, and going strong. I want to blame my husband. Isn't everything else his fault? *very big grin*

Dr. prescribed an anti-histamine which took care of the symptoms, but then Eliyahu threw up some food he had eaten before going to the dr., so I don't know if he threw some of the pill up, too. Yup, he's sick again.

I feel like shit. It's almost 6pm and I haven't been out of bed yet, really (since I managed to go back to sleep at whatever hour of the morning).

I've been feeling pouty - what I call it when I am sad and can't find a reason ready to hand. I have my period. I am still sick, a little. John is being completely assholic (so much for one day of decent behaviour). The kids are all still sick.

Yesterday we 'celebrated' two years - the anniversary of our arrival in Israel. Simcha baked chocolate cupcakes with vanilla frosting. Yum! At least I got to enjoy them.

It never stops around here. There's always another crisis, always something that prevents me from having anything resembling a routine, or some kind of regular schedule.

Truth is, I'm tired of it. I can't blame it on John, or the kids, or anything other than Hashem though. So many things conspire. I keep telling myself that other people must have eventful lives, but most of my neighbours at least seem to manage the relatively normal daily routine thing. I can't even blame the M.S. - that wouldn't explain my mother's brother killing himself in his boat or my sister phoning me in the middle of the night to weigh me down with all kinds of family shit I would have (Have!) chosen to be left out of. Oh, yeah, she phoned yesterday.

My best guess with John is that he tried his 'good' behaviour, and when I didn't instantly melt back to normal, he decided it wasn't worth it. But anyway...

I just want to say I read all my friends, but I have absolutely no brain to respond. I can barely remember who wrote. I'm terribly sorry, I feel like it is hateful of me. It's not because I don't try, though. I'm glad I can write here, and choose to believe you'll understand that I'm not completely uninterested and/or self-centred - I'm doing absolutely the best I can do, and this is it.

I am so tired of being judged (not here). I made a promise to myself, I won't waste any more of my time around people who think I am not good enough. I'm trying to keep it. It's very hard in a world wherein I can't seem to help but not measure up. Fuck 'em all, right?

Sorry if I offend. Some things require strong language.

I'd better go do something positive, or I'm just going to drown in my own shit here.

Hope everyone is having a better day. I think I'm going to try and find some chocolate. Be well, all, and Gd bless,

I'm listening to an airplane, I think

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06