I'm grateful for: shopping; showering; computers

I can't believe how long it's been since I've written. My life is once again too, too full for this old cripple. Eliyahu is better. Zechy is very sick. We were worried that it was an ear infection, but it seems to be clearing up (at least the ear) and moving into the chest - acting like a normal, if rather severe, virus. He's getting better, but it hurts to watch/hear him coughing that dry, painful cough that happens when you've got the plegm accumulating, but can't seem to clear it yet.

I have trouble remembering everything I've been doing. I know we got a lot of books catalogued before Zechy came down sick. Tuesday I went to the dentist for further work on getting a crown on my 2nd root-canal tooth, oh joy. I just can't believe how long it is taking. However, this dentist is SO much better than the last one I had, that I think it is worth the wait.

Havva works at the library in the navy central command, and they've been purging old books, which means she's been bringing home some pretty neat things for the military history buffs in the family. She brought me a couple of photography books (but will it help? Only Hashem knows for sure). It's been a lot of fun as she unwraps and delivers gifts almost every day that she comes home from work.

As little as she likes the commute, and doesn't really get along with the people she works with (except her boss - she likes her boss) she really likes her job. All that would be needed, besides to live closer, would be for her to have some co-workers who carry their share of the load. And I think she would happily work there for a long, long time. Whether she would or not, given that it would mean staying in the navy, I can't say. It wouldn't be a bad thing, though.

With Zechy being sick, I've been doing more around the house (if anyone remembers, he's the one doing pretty much all the housework these days). Folding laundry, showing Hans a little bit how to sort laundry and get it started in the washing machine. Relying on Neil to take it out of the washer and hang it up if necessary ... hurts. Everything, everything is wrinkled. But, it's what I can do. I can ask Neil to iron, he doesn't mind that, if I really can't stand it. Haven't gotten to that point yet, though.

I fold all the dry laundry. Also I have tried to keep going for walks.

I've been being brutally assaulted by bugs. Spiders, mosquitos, biting flies, you-name-it. Every night it's a different type of bug. I am so covered with bites it's a bit scary. Scary when they swell up to half the size of my arm, and develop rings, and ooze and all kind of mean, nasty things like that. I believe that Lyme disease is not an issue here, but there is some other kind of disease which is just as bad. My dr. is particularly useless on the subject, he just smiles patronizingly at me and tells me everything will be okay. I have been searching for a new dr., no luck just yet.

Yesterday, no walk to the makolet, I took the car and with Eliyahu, Simcha and Hans did a lot of shopping. Including all the walking involved. First we needed gas, where I learned the important information that my car takes diesel. It's the little things. Any person who can and does take their car out regularly might be really amazed that I was unaware of that fact but this is not only the first time I've put gas in the car, it's only the second time I've even been in the car when it was refueled. John did tell me I think when we got it that it was a diesel enging, but that was so long ago now... Yeah, so anyway drove to a gas station. Actually Hans put the gas in.

Then across the street (we're talking suburban driving distances here, not like just crossing the street) to a sporting goods shop where Hans got his own pair of rollerblades and a helmet, for playing hockey with the other boys in the neighborhood. He is happy, Even thrilled. I am happy, thrilled. He still needs his own stick, and he won't wear knee and shoulder protection. I should be glad he wears a helmet. ;-)

We shopped at an Office Depot and an Ace Hardware. I found a good bookcase for the den children's books, but then didn't buy it, because I was being insane. 'Insane' is not buying a bookscase which exactly fills our need and that we can afford because in some ideal world John or Hans could build a better one cheaper. Great. So instead of just buying the thing and having the mess of books in the den taken care of, I am still without the bookcase, and no plans at all for even buying the lumber. Hans could build the bookcase. But, Oy, he can build other ones as well. I should have just bought the damn thing. Maybe I'll get a chance to go back, but I can't hold my breath about that. Getting out at all is such an effort, and having the car these days is rare at best.

But while at Ace hardware, we were able to buy some drinking glasses to replace the ones that were broken and held more than eight ounces. And after that we drove to a different shopping area, which has the best clothing store I have yet found. I bought a new brown skirt and some underwear for me (I swear I am become an underwear hog), Simcha got underwear and a couple of new bras. Ack! My baby is growing up! ;-) And Eliyahu got two pair of shorts. I wanted to buy him three, but it was all we could find that would suit our picky natures. We can go back, next time I have a car and can go out, so that is a plan.

I seem to have lost one of my new hats. One I really liked, a cap, which is the kind of hat I wear for everyday. I wanted to stop at the hat store, but after all the other shopping, there was no way I could have done it. We bought food after the clothing store, at the big Zol Po (Cheap Here) supermarket. Not a lot, but things we really could use.

I was pretty dead after that, but we bought shawarma and chips (fries) and drove over to friend Malki's to visit and to wait for John to be off of work in order to drive him home. None of the kids were there, so it was a visit for me with Malki, and the kids just entertained themselves a bit. John wasn't able to get a ride and we left to pick him up along the road between the airport and Malki's moshav. We ended up leaving Eliyahu behind because Malki's kids came home just as we were leaving, so he got to play with Nadiv for a little while.

Home and leftover pizza for supper, and I was just so completely worn out there are no words. That was a pretty full day. No one seems to get, despite living with me with M.S. for so many years, how completely exhausted I am after something like that. We come home and I am supposed to have the energy to listen to Havva talk about her day, and kids ask questions, and (when he was talking to me) John to demand I give him at least equal time and energy. I couldn't, just couldn't, respond to Havva the way she wanted, and I'm afraid she went off feeling hurt/neglected/ignored. What can I do? She is 20, and I know she wants ima time still, but I also cannot be more functional just because my six (seven) children demand it. I did a LOT yesterday. I did a lot in the last week. Everything thing I do, whether it is walking to the makolet, showering myself or folding laundry means I have that much less energy for anything else. It's a zero-sum game and the sum is pretty darn small.

I am tired of being exhausted all the time, and disappointing my kids all the time (not the 'big' kids John and Neil, but the ones I gave birth to) and all the things I would like to to around the house not getting down. You don't want to imagine what my floors are like. Seriously. I am doing all I can, sometimes pushing myself to do more than I should, and I just can't do any more. And, as I was writing about earlier, it's not good enough.

Good enough for me? I guess, although I am not happy about it. Good enough for Hashem? Apparently. But, not good enough for the kids, whose demands never stop (of course they are kids). Not good enough for John, who of course thinks it's all about him, somehow, and that I am being 'mean' to him and so returns the favour. Not good enough for Neil who claims not to be having issues with me, but can only walk out of the room every time I enter it so many times before I get the hint, even if he doesn't.

Not good enough for the neighbours here, and, unfortunately, I hear about it. Not good enough for the rabbi, maybe, but fortunately if so I don't hear about it. Not good enough for the dr. who doesn't seem to know, or care, or get how great an impact being a cripple has on my life. Certainly not good enough for my mother, or Jessica, although the grandkids don't complain. *silly grin*

I can't even think about it any more. Someone said I should be with people who love me unconditionalllly and don't demand more than I can give. Well, I don't think such a person exists, but in any event my kids love me unconditionally. I don't know about Neil, but it's possible. But for someone to get that I am doing the best I can, and give me support instead of additional demands? I don't think that is possible. Only another crip really gets it - how tired you can be and how hard you try and how little it really is. And the endless, ceaseless demands of people who don't even realize that sometimes a question is a demand. No one every wants to just put their arms around me and tell me it's okay. Dammit, that's not even true, because both of my older boys (Hans and Zechy) do. I can't seem to allow myself to lean on them, though. They are my children. That's just not the way it's supposed to work.

Anyway, today is the inevitable aftermath of a very full, very busy, even productive week. I am exhausted to the centre of my being. I am emotionally worn out, completely useless for anyone or anything, including myself. I'm trying not to wallow in feeling sorry for myself because I hate being someone who feels sorry for herself. Soon I have to open the door and go out and interact with my family, and I have to be able to be at least on some sort of an even keel. So I can prepare myself to say 'no' a dozen times in a row, and then ask for people to do things for me (get me breakfast, clean up a bit) and then follow up because they are teenagers. And all that takes energy, too.

Tomorrow we are 'supposed' to go to Maale Levona for a shabbos visit. I am a bad mother, perhaps, but I was praying a bit that Zechy should still be sick so we can cancel. ??? That is up to Hashem. I don't want to stay in this house in the yeshuv any longer. I'm really not sure Maale Levona is the right place for us. But it is so completely out of my hands... At this point I am just along for the ride.

Even Malkie, who is also disabled, told me I should 'just' phone Adayad and go out for a visit. 'Just.' She really should know better, but she is talking from the outside, thinking it's such an easy thing because she doesn't have to do it. I really can only do what I can do. No more.

I think I am pretty fragile today. You know, it's not that 'nobody loves me,' or any crap like that. It's that there is no one in my life who understands. Even in the cripple group I joined (it's an email group for people with chronic disability) they keep pushing me. THEY think I should leave my husband, because they think I am being a typical battered wife. I really don't think so. And, if I could leave John, don't they think I would have? I mean, really. Who wants to live like this?

I want someone to talk to who 'gets' it. Really. I get mad at John for not 'getting' it. I resent Neil because I think he 'could' get it. I know my kids won't be able to get it. I want to not be alone in my head any more. *sigh*

Am I really such a bad person?

That is my mother's question. She asks it almost every time we actually have a conversation (which means a fight, because no real conversation can NOT turn into a fight).

I have no answer for her.

She wants me to sympathize and understand, and see that she's done the best she could and that my demands are unreasonable.

It sounds an awful lot like what I write here.

Is there a difference? I really need to know. Am I different from her, or am I just parroting her life in a new venue. Have a really made a difference? Just at the moment, I am not entirely sure.

Eliyahu is here, so I must go.

I'm listening to Eliyahu

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06