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Honey is Sweet

John being right - 2006-07-08

I'm grateful for: Finding another piece of myself; doing housework; living my life

I've been sitting here practically all day trying to start a diary entry. I woke at around noon, and it is almost 6pm. Not moving very fast, am I?

Wow, when I look at my last diary entry it is dated two days ago, but it feels like it must have been a week, or even two. So much happened, life is so busy, so full. It's not something to complain about, but it surprizes me and scares me a little bit. How much am I forgetting?

Zechy is still sick, poor guy. The good news is that his ears are fine (no more pain or pressure), and whatever infection he had is clearing itself out. Unfortunately at the moment that means he is sitting up because if he lies down he chokes on the phelgm, and at intervals hacking and coughing and choking and scaring me half-to-death. He really is fine, as he reassures me every time I check on him, but it sounds horrible.

No one else is sick, except I have some nasty diarrhea and I'm not digesting my food again. Fun stuff. The heat continutes unabated. Of course. Summer in Israel. The home continues to be in the wrong neighborhood, with no sign of change in sight. The trip to Maale Levona was cancelled due to Zechy being sick, but we may try again next week. Havva says she is sure it is not the right place for us, but I feel we have to keep all our options open. Maybe by going to Maale Levona we will find the right place for us? Maybe it will just be a chance to get the hell off of this yeshuv for a little while, to someplace with clean air and water and not too many people.

I've been busy, busy, busy and it's been mostly fun and good. Well, 'fun.' Okay, maybe not quite the right word. But you'd know what I mean.

I've been doing laundry. Not just sorting clothes out, but putting them in the washer, hanging them out on the line (!), folding them. Not putting them away. The kids get to do that. :-) I've washed dishes, and helped the younger children fill the dishwasher. What a lovely thing, I dishwasher. I've vacuumed, and bathed, and shopped, and visited. I bought a bookcase-in-a-box and put it together (okay, I helped a bit) with Havva and Simcha, with a little help from Hans and John when they came back from their own shopping expedition. I put books in the bookcase from the stacks on the floor, and from the books in boxes out in the hall. I had a big fight with Hans/John, which resulted in new behaviour for all of us. I can't explain it, really. A short schematic, perhaps. Hans was acting out - John sat around and pretended he was trying to 'help' while perhaps egging him on, certainly doing nothing to stop it.

Hans said something totally unacceptable to me. John stood there and said nothing. Then John came upstairs and was (he said) trying to comfort me over the fact that I have no support here. I said it was really ironic that he, who gave me no support, was trying to 'comfort' me for having no support. Then I asked him to please leave me alone. He left.

I don't know what he said to Hans, but Hans came up later and apologized for his behaviour. We talked. It all worked out. I hope he (John) didn't just turn and dump all of his shit on Hans instead of me, but at this point that is not my problem. Hans is legally an adult, and my responsibility to him doesn't include overextending myself when I am already at the end of my emotional rope.

I'm not sure when or how, but Thursday night was one rejection too far. John and I had quite a blow-out, made different because, I don't know, it was different. How's that for coherent?

So by Friday, and Hans' little scene, I had no reserves left for another rejection. Fine. I am/have been rejected by all and sundry, and they can all just go die for all I care. I'm living my life, I'm doing it better than I have before, and I am enjoying it, yes, even doing the dishes.

Dianna is dead. My mother and I now communicate by email, and I just didn't bother with her last one. John and I are living separated in our house. Hans is a big boy now. Old friends who don't want me calling or don't want me to have feelings around them (I haven't really talked about that here, and I'm not going to start now, it's been a hell of a month), well, they aren't old friends any longer. If they want to reopen communications, I am here, but I am not losing any more sleep over them.

I am not going to be around people who judge me and find me wanting. Other than my children on occasion *very big grin* as children will. I am really liking my life right now, all things considered. It is far from perfect, but it is getting better. All I've ever wanted is to see signs of progress. I can live with anything if I see some signs that it's not stagnant. I am not stagnating. I am doing things, I am making changes. It is fun and it is - well, great.

One thing I have learned, which I wish I had been smart enough to figure out a long, long time ago, is that I need to look to other disabled people for my support and validation. Much more so than anyone able-bodied, even the most understanding and open-minded. No one who hasn't been there can understand. No one who hasn't struggled as I have struggled, one day to put on some underwear, another day to water the chickens, can possibly appreciate the effort, the blows to the ego, the self-doubt. Compounded endlessly by people who think I could do more if I only wanted to/tried to, the people who don't 'believe' in disability, the people who just don't care why, I'm not up to there standard and there is no possible excuse, the dr.s who claim to know what they are talking about and then act as if I'm making it all up ...

Well, the list is endless.

I needed something and I was looking in all the wrong places for a long time. I wasn't talking to the people who know what I know, and have experienced it like me. It's not enough to be disabled, unfortunately. There are scads of the disabled out there who are just as judgmental and harsh as the able-bodied. Or worse. I needed to find people who had accepted that society's judgment, in fact anyone's judgment but one's own and one's Gd, is just so much toilet paper to be dispensed with, not carried around and used to shit on oneself with. Bad sentence grammer and all.

So, I have had a pleasant interval writing (email) to some folks I've found who are largely where I am at. One lady doesn't believe there is a Gd who gives a shit about our every day lives. Fine. Another is a man who's disability seems to permit him a level of mobility I can't imagine at this stage of my game. Whatever. They are all, so far, kind.

Why is kindness such a rare thing?

I may have been mean to one of those 'old, old' friends of mine this week. Something she said triggered all of my rejection issues. I didn't say anything mean, I don't think. I wrote her a very long email explaining in great detail what my life is like, and also explaining *why* I was telling her in great detail what my life is like, and asking her if she thinks the thing I reacted to is about me (rejection) or just one of those things and I took it badly. I hope it didn't come across as mean. I tried my best. But in the case of one more possible rejection, I have to protect me before I worry about her feelings. At least for today.

I do try to be kind.

I don't suppose I have any idea how successful I may be.

But I do try. And I know the difference between kindness and being 'nice.' Something not many people I have met can honestly say. I am, however, not a nice person. I never have been. I don't want to have to pretend that I am. It just makes things ugly in the long run.

And, on that note, I have my answer about Maale Levona. It's not for me. *sigh* But, oh, it is so very, very beautiful.

Maybe John was right about that place up north. We should check it out. Amazing. John being right about something. *Big Grin*

I'm listening to fans. And my thoughts. And an audible mosquito repeller. But no music. *sigh*

0 bleats so far

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06