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Honey is Sweet

Don't wanna go there - 2006-07-12

I'm grateful for: homeopathic remedy apis mellifica; Eliyahu sleeping soundly; emotional detachment, however I get it

It's me. After 2:30 in the morning and I am so tired, so very tired. Can't sleep. Part of it is pain. Part of it is bleeding (oy, that again), part of it is having been eaten alive by some new (to me) bug which stabbed me in the arm so many times it is grotesquely swollen with all the little but bites.

I need to sleep, I want to sleep, but, so far it is not for me.

I had a little bit of an ugly scene with John. I woke him up after the first frontal assault by the biting bug. Something like ten (or more) bites in about five minutes. I was just a wee bit upset. Ready to be hysterical, truth be told, because I was just past the limit of my endurance. I seem to live right at that edge, you know? *sigh*

So I woke him up and said something has to be done, I can't live like this. I was upset. There were tears in my eyes. He was a complete dickhead. No, that's no surprize, that's not the ugly part. The ugly part is that I made some pretty nasty, insulting remarks about him and to him during this time. On the one hand, I am clear that keeping my mouth shut while he behaves in an unconscionable manner is not a good thing to do, not helpful for me, and it only encourages him to be worse. On the other hand, I hate listening to that kind of thing come out of my mouth. It doesn't make me feel any better about myself, I feel like shit for being the person who said those things.

So what to do? For the moment, I am praying as much as I can, and hoping that Hashem has a plan about all of this, because I do not. I do know that by keeping myself emotionally distant, I am doing a good thing for both John and myself. And saying those things - basically reminders to myself of what he is - helps me keep that emotional distance, instead of getting caught up in the dance of why he doesn't behave like a decent human being, and trying to force him to change, and all of that broken, unhelpful shit. Still, it really sucks.

I am reminded of how I used to behave pretty horribly to some women I knew, and it was really so that I didn't get caught up in my own illness, but it didn't make me feel any better to be playing those games. It was better to be the one treating them badly rather than the other way 'round, but not wonders for my self-esteem. I hope this is like that, in that, I don't have to act that way any longer towards those particular women. I am able, now, to remain clear on who they are, and hang onto my sanity while interacting with them, which allows me to see them with a whole lot more compassion than I could manage when I was getting caught up in their insanity.

I know that's vague, but going into details would be nightmarish, long and tedious, and it's too late for that now.

Zechy is still sick, but getting better. I hate seeing/hearing him like this, and worse when I am in such bad shape I can't be there for him at all. I am so-o all in. Not sleeping is doing nothing for me as well. *sigh*

Yah, but anyway.

I dunno. What was I saying?

I don't make any sense.

I guess, rather than trying to come up with or make something coherent here, I'll try to actually get some sleep. Pray for me - I need all the help I can get right now.

Also praying for John to get a job in the states, and us to find a suitable house to move to up north, where we can hopefully set up a dog boarding kennel as a business. Please Hashem!

I guess that's all for now. I wanna get some sleep if at all possible. Physically, it just sucks to be me today.

Otherwise, I suppose life is going along okay. There are signs of hopeful improvement at least. But physically? You just don't want to go there. Damn! Sucks to be me.

I'm listening to the whine of the insect repeller-thing, and the fan

0 bleats so far

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06