I'm grateful for: not 'engaging' with John; some time alone; being able to open my home.

I'm awake and tired. I can't sleep and am having some trouble breathing (or maybe it's just feeling like I'm getting enough oxygen). Scary.

John was being a dickhead all day, and then made this big demonstration telling me how much he loves me, and how he thinks I'm a wonderful person ... Just so-so and too-too. I think not. It's better for me - I'm doing a pretty decent job of staying un-enmeshed with his shit. It still leaves me without any emotional or moral support, but at least I'm not being drained in addition.

Why I need mental and emotional support is how rotten I am doing. Physically. If the fatigue was purely from anemia (blood loss) then taking iron, and stopping the bleeding, and eating red meat should help. So far it doesn't seem to be. And the not sleeping is becoming a real problem, when I am so tired I can't do anything at all, but yet I can't sleep no matter how long I lie down with my eyes closed.

I'm all bent up inside and John's dickheadedness is all about ignoring that I'm not coping real well and putting more demands on me in his hope that even if it means I'm yelling at him, I'm not obviously needing help and support that he is either not willing or not able (or both) to give me.

Crap. I can't believe I just wasted that much time and energy even typing about him. Forget it.

Zechy and I finished cataloguing another bookcase worth of books, which was quite the struggle as for some reason the laptop went south in the middle of the job twice. We were able to get it done, and saved, eventually, so it's all good now.

The bugs have been eating me alive again, too. I just don't know how much more of this I can stand, if any. To add to the stress, there is a family from up north - mother and her two sons, and her significant other, who are coming here to stay on Sunday. They were being put up in a moshav up north, but for some reason they have to leave on Sunday.

The older son, who is about fifteen, was in a car in tzfat that got hit by concrete rubble (think HUGE piece of falling concrete), and then having found some place with a little shelter was just about ground zero for two katyushas which came down. Physically he is fine. But of course traumatized. They just can't go back home right now. They don't live in Tzfat, but are near enough that they can hear and see the missiles coming down, and the explosions when they hit. Both Tzfat and Mount Meron. Too much.

I haven't met any of them, but John did, and Neil and Zechy have seen them. Neil says the kids are pretty wonderful, and Zechy described them as nice people. I guess I'll have to see. John was being a complete dickhead about that, too. He was apparently talking to the S.O. on the phone, but when I asked who he was talking to he just said "Darryl." As I had no idea who Darryl was it was unhelpful in the extreme - and since I had asked him last night the name of the members of this family, it's not like he could have expected I'd know who he was talking about. Then to say they were coming here on Sunday. Well...

Not that I mind. We'll be a bit crowded, but I'd rather that than they had no place to go. And the boys are good ages for my crew - fifteen and seven or eight. The younger one should get along find with Eliyahu, and Zechy has already met the older one and they got on okay.

So, I guess that's the news so far. We watched Sneakers tonight, and otherwise I really did nothing today. I just couldn't.

Please, Hashem, give me some strength. Let me get some sleep or help me figure out what it is that is wrong. I just really don't feel I can go on like this.

That's me, upbeat as usual.

I'm listening to the downstairs fan.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06