I'm grateful for: a new room; house-space to share; a plastic sheet on my bed

Another fine day. I spent almost all of it in bed. However, the parts I didn't spend in bed were unusual. We moved everything. Okay, not quite everything. A lot of things. What had been the den is now my bedroom (that I am sharing with Eliyahu), and what had been my bedroom is now the den. So far it seems to work great. The new den is much bigger, and will be more comfortable once everything is put away. My new room is cozier, more suited to being my bedroom. I am just so delighted at the thought that I can organize and arrange my things in my room and they will stay that way!

That was never possible with John. It doesn't matter that I set aside one tiny little box of 'my' things that no one should touch. He moved about and messed with everything. The man hasn't got a single boundary about anything. Anyway, now I have my own room (granted, sharing with Eliyahu, but that is only until he can move downstairs with the other kids), and I am a neatnik. The thing is, I won't have to straighten it up very much, because I don't mess it up. I take something out, I put it back where I got it from. Even crippled I can keep this room half-way decent as long as I get a little help with cleaning the floor occasionally. There is so much black crap that accumulates here it's all we can do to try and keep it from taking over the place. But now I have less floor to sweep/vacuum as well.

The walls are a complete nightmare. The need to be patched, and painted, at the very least. Unfortunately that is something I will need to wait on John for. Everything else I'll try and do for myself, or arrange with the kids' help. Not being dependent on John is such a HUGE blessing. As much as I can do it.

I've already been bitten by one bug. *sigh* Some things don't change.

Tomorrow I am to drive into Kfar Saba to pick up the family that is coming to stay here, to escape from the bombing up north. I think it is fascinating the way the international and American press show photos of conditions in bombed places in Lebanon, but don't have a single photo of the bombed places here. I got an email from a friend, who lives in Karmiel. Someplace that hasn't been terribly hard hit in the current war. I want to put it here:

***

Date: Jul 22, 2006 10:37 PM
Subject: Missiles very near us

We are still OK. There were serious barrages again today. We saw
film on TV of two cars in Naharia that were on fire. One looked like
a giant had smashed down on it with an angry fist. Two people were
injured there, one critical and one very critical.

One of the sets of missiles that hit Karmiel today (there were 3 sets)
was very loud, meaning very close. I saw a flash of green light which
was the actual explosion, right across from our house, on the next
street over. Must have been close to the place I saw hit before. The
house shook more than ever before. This was the first time I've felt
scared. Checking with the neighbors I found out that a katusha hit
the ground immediately behind our building. We're talking 20 meters
(45 feet) away from the building wall. No damage caused to body or
possessions, but to nerves, whew! It's getting dark out but tomorrow
I will go take a look at the site--got to see it with my own eyes. We
are willing to take the hits and the fear and the damage. We just
want our government to do a thorough job of clearing out the
Hisballah.

My parents are presently without electricity as one of the electrical
poles was damaged but that should soon be repaired. One katushot made
a direct strike on an apartment building in Karmiel today and six
people were injured. I will call a family that lives in that building
or next door (I know within a building or two where that katusha fell)
to see if they are OK. I don't know if any of the other strikes in
Karmiel damaged property--apparently no other people were hurt.

Today I was debating with myself about the apparent contradiction
between the ideas that only love prevails, that compassion is what is
needed, that war does not solve problems, that returning hatred with
hatred will not heal and with our need for self preservation, our need
to protect ourselves through warfare. Maybe there is something I don't
know. Maybe there is a way for us to protect ourselves without
warfare that I am not seeing. And perhaps the answer is that there is
no a contradiction.

We do not hate the Lebanese, nor do we hate the Palestinians. So it
is not that we are returning their hatred of us. And perhaps getting
rid of the Hisballah, as much as it hurts us to kill any people, is
actually the most compassionate act we can do. When I realize that
the Lebanese people are being held hostage to Hisballah methods in
their own country, the same as the Palestinian people are being held
hostage by Hamas ideals and methods, I wonder if it is not an act of
kindness to liberate them as a by product of our self preservation. I
would like to think so.

More than that I would like a miracle which would allow the Arabs
around us to become free of their generations, their centuries, of
indoctrination in hate against us and in fighting and bloodshed in
general. We need only look to the world news to see Arab on Arab
violence. Wouldn't it be a lovely miracle if they could wake up one
day from their nightmare of death and destruction to see a world of
other possibilities? A kinder, gentler world that could learn to
agree to disagree with the west without the need to conquer or
demolish anyone who thinks or behaves differently. A miracle indeed.

Best wishes and many blessings,
N___

Only Love Prevails

***

The newspeople even here in Israel want to act as if there are no good guys and no bad guys - they seem to think they are being 'fair' as long as there is no hint of 'favouritism.' Except that, it is not fair, and it is not right, to equate what the arab agressors - Hizbulla and Hamas - have done with what Israel has done in order to defend itself from missile attacks (which have been going on for more than a year), and to protect our citizens. Those boys, for they are boys - who were killed and kidnapped when those arabs crossed the border into our country in an attack which can only be described as an act of war - aren't *just* soldiers. They are citizens. And, they are sons and brothers (none of them yet a husband or father. LIke I said, *boys*) who did nothing to deserve what was done to them.

If there is anything less fair than to claim that what they did is 'justified' by their 'desperation,' while what we do to try to defend ourselves is 'unjustified' because - why? We are a country with a strong army and economy? Because Israel has embraced modern technology, not to mention gub'ment - because we build roads and hospitals and schools and give money to the sick and indigent and if we are suffering don't look to the rest of the world/the U.N. for handwouts - because we are a western style 'democracy' ...

Eh! I can't go on with this. I know, and most everyone else knows, really, that this is a lot of bullcrap. Self-hating Jews, western civilization-hating 'liberals,' Jew-hating Xtians, the people, like my friend up above, who really believe that 'all you need is love' are lying. Either to themselves or just out of habit - who knows? Who cares? I don't.

I care that my friends in Karmiel (and Hatzor and Kadita and Tzfat and Meron and so on) have to be afraid for their lives. I care that on top of being afraid for their lives they have to live with the insult and indignity of being told that any action we take to try and stop the rain of missiles is 'disproportionate.' Yeah. See how calmly any other country would take it.

I'm glad that i live in a quiet part of the country. Where it is 'safe.' As long as we have fences and guards and security roads it is 'safe.' As long as there are checkpoints, and soldiers risk their lives tracking down criminals who strap bombs onto themselves and then go looking for busy shopping areas to kill people in (at least three in the last couple of days) it is 'safe.'

How long would any European country put up with that before they started bombing the shit out of whoever was attacking them? The U.S.? Hell, even Mexico. Why does the world want us to behave better than any of them would. Why are we held to some ridiculous standard, and attacked for ...

Aah, there I go again. Fuck it. I can't stay away from it, and getting all righteous indignation here doesn't do me any good. Righteous indignation never changed anything, never convinced anyone, never helped someone get to sleep at 1am. *sigh*

I was having a really hard time earlier today struggling with the feeling that I need to justify my existence. I don't 'produce' anything, I don't earn any money, I feel every little thing my mother ever said or did to make me feel like I am not entitled to anything because I am a useless loser. Actually, although I wrote that in the present tense, I am not feeling that way right now. I don't know why. Maybe just talking about it and recognizing how insane it is - especially to be taking my mother's valuation of me at all about anything.

I cried a bit, felt sorry for myself that I am married to a man who seems incapable of caring about me, and rested. Sounds like fun, no? Actually, I also was playing a game on the computer, and reading, and overall had a fine day. I had the kids with me for part of the time. And at 7:30pm (our time) there was the telephone meeting. My sister was there for the meeting, and she said some pretty awesome things - about how she loves her sister (me), and how amazed she is by me, and how proud and glad she is to be my sister. Whoa! I can live with that. :-)

I had to get off the phone quickly because there was another phone call at the end of the meeting, which was too bad because I didn't get to tell my sister that I am glad that she is my sister, too. But now I get to say it to her another time. Yeaaa!

And after all of that, we started moving furniture. It was a pretty major undertaking, and it is so not done yet. The family coming to stay with us was the motivator for it, though. It will be so much more comfortable for everyone, I think, if the only good bathroom (which is the master bathroom off of my old bedroom) can be reached WITHOUT going through my bedroom. It gives them more options in terms of where to sleep people, as well.

We even ended up watching the end of National Treasure after the television was set up in the new den, with some popcorn, and trying it all out.

The one sad thing is that I gave up my futon. The futon sofa, which is in the den, was designed for a futon. We had been making due with a couple of twin mattresses, which wasn't working well at all (better than it would if they were American style twin mattresses, though). So I took the two mattresses side by side on my bed, and allowed the futon to be where it can best fit. *sob* Now I have to find someplace to buy a futon. Even though they are incredibly expensive here in Israel. I suppose a decent queen-size mattress might do, but it would make me as happy.

I'd best stop. I have to try and get some sleep, so I am not a complete zombie when I have to drive into Kfar Saba tomorrow morning.

If you read all this way ... wow! Do something nice for yourself, you deserve it.

I'm listening to the office chair downstairs creaking as someone keeps shifting around in it.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06