I'm grateful for: Having faith, even if at the moment it's feeling a little thin; my lovely, wonderful children; being up early enough to enjoy the sun before it becomes an oven again

I'm just in a pissy mood. I think. Maybe it's all getting to me. It's hard to tell. I didn't sleep well last night, and here it is, 6:40am and I'm wide awake. Not that I'm complaining about that, the sun is shining and it's cool! Doesn't happen here. There is a nice breeze (and the ceiling fan helps), the world is pretty quiet, and I'm in a foul mood.

More sleep would definitely help. Having more strength, not being so worn down physically would also be an undeniable plus.

The financial worries - I turned all the spending over to Hashem last month. I had to, I couldn't keep up with it, couldn't monitor what was going out, didn't even have the strength to try. I knew it was going to be bad. I was in no way prepared for how bad. Neil took a trip to Istanbul, and our finances took a hit to the tune of about $4000. Some of it was having the extra people come and stay. And some of it was, I don't know, Hashem's will? Anyway, we are broke, broke, broke, broke and the best thing that I can do *this* month is to make sure we don't overspend again. If possible. With birthdays, two of them, and my medical stuff and working on paying off the dentist and all that - in addition to the extra people in our home -

It leaves open the question what is the definition of overspending?

One very important thing to do is not to buy anything more that we can't pay for right away. That is hard... at least three of the things we are making payments on we didn't choose. It is a frustrating and annoying thing. Long story, so not worth going into here.

Anyway, besides money stuff, we also have a new man staying with us. He is about thirty, from San Diego, and in the process of making aliyah. He is also wandering around the country trying to figure out where he wants to live. He had contacted John about crashing here, and of course at the time we hadn't expected to be hosting a whole 'nother family. So he's on the sofa in the salon for the moment. I hope he doesn't stay long. Nothing personal, but this is like that fairytale, where the man complains about how noisy his house is, so the rabbi tells him to bring the goat into his house. And then the chickens and then the cow. When they finally all leave (in the fairytale) the man is quite content with the quieter noise of the regular household.

I just can't think what else we could shoehorn in here. I don't want to think about it. It's a bleeding nightmare come true.

Tomorrow I'm going to the 2nd opinion finally. John is staying home from work this morning because we ran out of gaz (propane), and so could not cook anything on the stovetop. Another bright spot on our financial situation. Don't get me started on John and money. Just don't. He is busy arranging that we should happily spend another 200+ shekel a month on water deliveries while I'm beating my head against the wall with the finances which aren't getting any better with the repetition. But I said I wouldn't start. *sigh*

On top of everything else we have to fill TWO full gaz balloons (tanks), because John never called to have the empty filled before - which of course is why we ran out of propane. There are two tanks, and they are set so that when one is empty, you switch to the other and then presumable refill the first so you never run out. Yeah. They figured without my husband for sure.

Me? I'd be happy to order the gaz. If I even knew where to find a phone number. I really need to be minimally functional in Hebrew (I believe). Hashem doesn't seem to agree with me. I keep trying, but what can I do?

I read a children's book. Oh, boy.

I do have a whole lot of reasons for feeling bleak. Life is very, very hard today. It's hard to see that Hashem is taking care of us/will take care of us. It doesn't fell like he is, and if this is taking care of us I kind of wouldn't want to know what it means to be neglected. How I'm feeling at the moment. I know in my heart it isn't true, but I am just too overwhelmed. I want the freedom of my own home back. I want a home. How is that?

I want the war to be over - I'm sure no more than anyone else in this country - and I DON'T want it to end without our border being clear and safe with Lebanon at least. Choices, choices. Olmert looks like he might be caving in a bit to international pressure. Accepting UNIFIL instead of demanding a multi-national force, when UNIFIL has been so good at securing the border so far. Hell, they can't even tell when Hizbullah is camped right on their doorstep, and we're supposed to trust them to keep Hizbullah off of OUR doorstep? I don't think so.

It's going to be yet another in the series - Israel wins militarily and then is forced by international pressure to let the murdering bastards right back where they were at the start of the war. The wars THEY keep starting, over and over again. If they don't lose *something,* then why would they ever stop with starting wars? It's one of those questions.

Eliyahu is awake, and I'm guessing he's in here because no one else is and he can't watch a movie. Because some one or some people are asleep in the den. Too damn many bodies in this house. Enough is enough. *Sigh*

I'm listening to the various birds singing, chirping, cawing, clucking

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06