I'm grateful for: a good night's sleep; being able to help; all my wonderful children and grandchildren

Yesterday was just a bad day, I guess. No sleep, and a lot of problems with the body. I spent most of the day after I got up sitting at the computer downstairs, playing games and generally zoning out. I tried to stay present and listen to the kids - a full time job by itself - and was reasonably successful. I didn't snap at anyone and only once or twice had to shut one of them up and send him/her away.

Is it only me? or do all kids want to talk to their mother all the time? I mean, I understand the 6yo, after all, he's six. And my eleven-year-old daughter is of course a chatterer. But both of my teenage sons and my 20yo daughter will talk, and talk, and talk at me. Sometimes it's just chatter, sometimes they want to get answers to things about the world which puzzle them, or share their deep thoughts about everything from commercial television to world peace. But, if I just make myself available and do nothing else, they will talk to/at me from morning 'til I collapse from exhaustion. Since there are five of them here, it doesn't necessarily stop because the sun goes down or it's after midnight.

Anyway, I am curious if this is true for others, or is it something about our circumstances here.

My 18yo, who has an active social life, spends as much time as possible out of the house (last night was roller-blading and magick the gathering), and then once it gets quiet and everyone else is in bed, he takes his turn - although during the day if it is a school day and all his friends are in school, he might chatter at me for a good chunk of the day as well.

So, anyway, it's not about a lack of friends or people to talk to.

Hmmm.

So in that way it wasn't a bad day. I like spending time with my kids, and they are charming to be around generally.

Just the body, and John being a shit. Don't be in any way mistaken- the two things are directly related. He phoned me from work something like four times. The first three times he asked me how I was doing. The third time he asked, I pointed out that he had already asked twice, and I was feeling like shit, and that wasn't likely to change. After that? He hadn't two words to say to me. Do I understand it? No. But I recognize the pattern. If I am not feeling well, he wants nothing to do with me. It is a particular challenge given the general state of my health. What to do, what to do? Well, for the moment, nothing.

It's not life-threatening, and even if I did go upstairs in tears last night - it was as much being tired and feeling rotten as recognizing once again that my marriage is not and will not ever be anything close to what I want/ed. I really *would* like to have a relationship with an adult which is - I don't know. It's not about sex (not that I would complain about getting some).

It's about having someone who, when you just want to sit close and lean on him/her, would just sit close by for a bit. Someone who cares enough to let me be who I am, and still wants to be around me. Someone I can be a partner with, someone who appreciates what I can and do contribute to a relationship, and to their life. It's about what I would like to think a marriage could/would/should be after twenty-five largely successful years. Successful in all ways except that of our relationship, which should be the primary relationship in a family. Gd, he is such a shit!

I needed to get that out.

Anyway, I wrote an awful lot for a day in which nothing happened. Maxine's mum phoned me from England to thank me for 'saving' her daughter and grandkids. It was very sweet, and I told her repeatedly I was just very happy I was able to help, which is the truth. She says she is coming to Israel (I think in October) and she wants to meet me/us then. I'd be perfectly fine with that.

And then I went to sleep, I think it was even before midnight, although it might have been a little bit after. And I woke up having slept probably eight hours (including some interruptions from Eliyahu), feeling stiff but better. Not all better, but better. I'll take that.

I'm listening to Thomas the Tank Engine on video

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06