I'm grateful for: doing things; finishing books; four chickens

It's 2:32 in the morning, by the computer clock. The heat here is kicking my ass. I am doing a bit better, though. I managed to sort some laundry, fold a bunch of laundry, read a few pages of a Hebrew children's book with Simcha, read A Taste For Noah to Eliyahu, answer a bunch of email, and read all my favourites. I've probably forgotten a thing or two. Like getting a bath and my hair washed (although John still have to help with that, of course that is one reason why it is worthy of comment). For me that is a heck of a lot. More than I've done in any one day in as long as I can remember now. A depressing thought, that, but I'm just appreciating the sense that things might be getting better.

Especially as I am managing this is this worst heat of the summer. Pretty amazing.

I am very, very tired though, so I can't really write a lot. I slept until 2pm today which would bother me a great deal more except that it meant that today I only had to endure about six hours of the horrific heat before it started to cool down a little bit.

I also watched for the first time Four Weddings And A Funeral. It's a good movie. It's a good thing that I didn't see it sooner. I wouldn't have enjoyed/appreciated it as much as I did today. And I got a lot of the worst laundry folded - underwear, socks, rags. The kind of load that you fold and you fold and you fold and you never seem to make any progress. I did, eventually, finish the thing. About the same time the movie ended, actually.

Damn, I'm just too tired to keep up. My fingers are tired, and holding myself up is too much. I didn't drink enough water today which is another problem. I drank, just not water.

John came in here to take Eliyahu to the bathroom (in his sleep) to pee so he hopefully won't pee in the bed. And when he got Eilyahu settled again I told him to come here to my side of the bed. Then I said to him "Act like you are an adult, and pretend you like me." And I kissed him. A proper kiss, not the kind he usually forces on me. Which is rough, poorly aimed, and completely oblivious to me.

I had to stop the kiss - he has no sense of, like, that you don't just stand there with both your mouths open breathing in each other's air for minutes on end. And then he went to bed.

I want to point out to him how wonderful (sarcasm) it is for my self esteem to have to tell him to pretend that he likes me. But, there is no point. He can claim to have Asperger's Syndrome (something he said after reading a clinical description of it when we were dealing with trying to get Hans released from the army). He can claim he is just short of sleep or call himself a selfish dickhead or whatever he wants. I don't care. The reasons don't matter to me. I am learning to accept that the man I married has some loose connections upstairs, between the ears, behind the eyebrows. I am learning, slowly, to not take it (so) personally. I am trying to find ways that I can still have something of what I want, despite whatever is broken in him. That was part of what the kiss was about.

That, and I really miss kissing. We've been married for twenty-five years. And for something longer than that I've either had to put up with what he calls kissing, or do without. I've mostly chosen to do without. But I don't want that anymore. Not if I can find a way. It was once. That means nothing. John can do just about anything once. But maybe, it's a start?

Interesting to note that, when he didn't know there was a kiss coming, he didn't smoke a cigarette or eat anything vile to make his breath horrid. He usually does. Deliberate or not I can't tell and don't care. It's just what he does. So kissing can't become a routine, or he will find some way to screw it up for me. And him. What a winner I married.

Yeah.

Well, he is a really good provider, he's healthy, strong, likes kids, has permitted me to do pretty much whatever I needed/wanted to do with my life (it would be too much to say he supported me), like moving to the middle of nowhere and building a farm. He might have done most of the physical work, but it was my desire, my plan, my motivating force, for my needs/wants. My choices.

It's just that personally, as in a personal relationship? He just sucks rocks. Loudly. *sigh*

I need to get some sleep. I hope. Benjamin is back having had an awful time in Tel Aviv, I am hoping we can get him a little cheered up and feeling better tomorrow. Poor guy, he has all these expectation based on life in the U.S., and no matter what anyone says to him he is having to learn the hard way. He's a really nice guy. Night the brightest bulb perhaps, but truly nice.

Goodnight

I'm listening to Eliyahu snoring and my computer chirping

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06