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Honey is Sweet Enough - 2006-09-13 I'm grateful for: finishing all the stupid photos; having a tiny plastic sword in Kingdom of Loathing; a phone call from Jessica, no matter what the reason I'm full of all kinds of shit in my head. It's been a bad day. Maybe not a bad day - I don't know. But I feel bad, which may be all that counts. I haven't been able to sleep - grody flashbacks and weird thoughts of my uncle - the one who died almost three years ago, not my mother's brother. There's been another heat wave - a sharav. That's when the hot wind blows in off the desert. It doesn't feel much like a sharav (compared to my previous two summer's experience), it's just yucky. HOT and yucky. I got a birthday card from my mother. It is not my birthday. She does this every year. It contained a $100 bill. What am I supposed to do with a hundred dollar bill? A check I could mail to my bank in the states to deposit. A hundred dollar bill? I dunno. Maybe I should just convert it (losing money on the exchange) and buy myself something nice. But what, I ask you, can I get for a hundred dollars? It's not that I am that picky, it's that things here are not like in the states. I could possibly afford a bread machine (that I'm not even sure I want). But it won't buy me a nice outfit or take my family out. Besides, what mother sends a hundred dollar bill to her forty-something daughter for her (wrong) birthday? Or am I just being negative. I can't even tell. I think either you send money in sufficient quantities that it's good for something, or you pick out a nice, however inexpensive gift. Yes? Truth is, I know how mother is thinking. She's thinking that I should pick out the inexpensive gift for her. Really. I really can't stand the woman. I've been in a foul mood for four days now. Mostly related to the grody flashbacks and so on. No one to talk to about them - no one who actually cares to listen, or cares enough about me to offer. I am tired of forcing myself on people because I need to be able to tell someone and it's the only way I get the opportunity. So, I'm not telling. I'm keeping it inside, for now, praying for guidance, suggestions, help. Not really sure that there's any point, or anyone/anything to answer if He/She/It would answer. My daughter Jessica phoned today. She got something of a 'gift.' Some people, her entire support group/social network, turned on her and treated her like shit - this would have been maybe three years ago. And today she got what she takes as absolute proof that it had nothing to do with her. The group was in the process of self-destructing, and she got to be the fall-guy. So she was feeling kind of giddy, kind of high, freaking out, because it opened all the flood-gates for her to realize/recognize that NONE of the awful things that have happened to her have been her fault. Not being sexually abused, or adopted, or anything. So she was pretty well losing it, and I was there for her, listening, understanding, identifying ... Right up until some point - and I can't even know what it was - that it stopped working. I don't know if it was about Jessica, or about me, or about something completely other. I just know that I couldn't listen and support her as she talked about things like the only thing we really have is our choices, and there is no need for a higher power, because everything can just be random and it doesn't matter because nothing is her fault. There may be a clue in there somewhere, I don't know. I don't have enough friends I can talk it out with. Like any. What a rotten day. I'm just realizing, on some new level, 'cause heaven knows I've been here before, that I don't want to be alone any more. I've been alone for so much of my life. And those few times that I haven't been, when there have been people who support me and love me present in my life, seem way to few and too far away right now. You know, I know there is something I am not talking about, or talking around here. I don't want to type all the same stupid things I am always writing in here when things hit the shitter for me again. So I'm just going to stop. I am tired of understanding. I want to feel understood. Is that so bad? Why do I spend my life giving to others what has never been given to me, or given in such miserly portions it hardly seem worth it? No, I really have to stop this. Enough I'm listening to The Kingston Trio: 'Round About the Mountain 0 bleats so far:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::
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