I'm grateful for: figuring out where the latest bit of insanity was coming from; hope for a house, hope for a loan; better living through chemistry (anti-histamines)

I'm feeling hideously embarrassed, or something, about the last two entries. But if I don't get the shit in my head out where I can look at it, how else can I find out what is going on with me that I am not seeing? I don't know any other way.

And what has been going on that I was unaware of was all these other people's voices in my head - the voices that tell me that I either have to be happy with what I have, or change it. There is no room in some people's minds, or world view, for just getting dealt some shit and living with it. Not that I want to live with shit, but really. My life is a fine life for the likes of such as me. I generally am not complaining and am happy enough. Sometimes, though, I am more aware than others of things that are missing that I would like to have. And it hurts.

My problem wasn't that I was hurting, though, it was all those people throughout most of my life who have told me it's my Responsibility to take Action if I don't like something and Change it. Oh, yes, they do speak in capital letters. Heaven knows there are situations in which a person really ought to get off the pity pot and do something already about whatever it is they are complaining about.

There are things that works with - going back to school, leaving a partner, changing jobs... but there are thing it doesn't work with. FINDING a partner for instance. One can decide with all of one's will that one is going to find someone - but that means absolutely nothing unless Hashem, luck, chance or whatever you believe in puts that person in your life. You can do things to improve the odds, such as going out to places where suitable people might be found (a bridge club, say, or a church social - NOT a bar. IMO). But then there is that element of chance/luck/Hashem over which we have control.

I believe that I have done what I can to maximize the odds of getting what I want. I don't think most of what I want is impossible, or even unlikely. I do think that the kinds of things I want take time, mostly, and then that element of luck/chance/Hashem. And in the meantime, I have the attacks of sadness. Which, really, are strongly coupled with grief for my uncle, for the farm, for the beautiful land I left and for the stuff we lost.

What makes me crazy, though, is that feeling, which I carry largely in the form of other people's voices, that feeling sad, grieving, is not okay. That I have to *do* something or else be happy with what I have. Black and white. Bullshit.

It is hard enough dealing with/experiencing/feeling these feelings, without having to cope with other people, either in person or by proxy in my own head, telling me they are not okay and I have to fix them. Feelings are not to be fixed. If they are unpleasant enough, and the circumstances which cause them can be changed, then one might be responsible for changing the circumstances. But even that doesn't negate the feelings.

There are so many people, throughout my life, who've told me in so many words that feelings don't count, aren't right, that I should just *decide* not to feel this way or that way. Fuck 'em all.

So how do I deal with this? The first thing is recognizing that it's happening. I wasn't aware, all of it was going on beneath the surface, driving the craziness of having awful feelings and feeling that I was wrong for having them.

And, just btw, I am very clear that these things are NOT me talking, because I can hear it - the other people's voices, picture the circumstances in which this or that was said. Because I don't go into specifics doesn't mean they are not there.

I can recognize the utter insanity of being told not to feel my feelings, or that my feelings are wrong. Now I get to practice telling myself that my feelings are not wrong, that feeling them is not bad, that they do not need to be fixed. I get to tell myself over and over how insane those people were, and are, who said such really terrible things to me. And, slowly, gradually, their voices will begin to fade away. Or be drowned out. I can't tell and it's not important. I know it works, though, because I've been doing this sort of thing for a long time.

As those other people's insanity gradually recedes, I get to be more of who *I* am, and I certainly enjoy my life more. Damn, though I surely have had more than my share of insanity in my life.

I hope.

It would be more depressing than I can express if what I went through was normal, and other people just don't know it, aren't dealing with the insanity residing in their own heads. I don't even want to go there.

So, anyway, that's me for today. One thing I realized while I've been typing this is that there is a woman who has been waiting for like a week to hear from me about studying Hebrew together. I was to have phoned her up, but with all the other shit that's been going on (between my ears, and not), it just slipped through the cracks. I'd better try and phone her tomorrow. I don't particularly like her - in large part because she's made some rather unfriendly judgments about me - or rather accept some unfriendly judgments about me by someone we know in common.

That's how it looks from here, anyway. It's time to bite the bullet, though, make the phone call, and who knows? The worst thing that can happen is that I be proved right. It's not like that hasn't happened before. I've been proved wrong before, too, although not nearly so often. Maybe I'm completely off base with her, or maybe by spending some time together I can erase whatever preconceptions she's gotten of me. Or maybe she's just one of those people who dislike me immediately, for no reason that I can discover. Whatever.

You know, however hard I try to have nothing to do with the people who believe/decide that I don't live up to their standards, I seem to keep having to deal with them over and over again. Another fucking growth opportunity, I guess.

Anyway, I should try and get some sleep. I took an antihistamine tonight, one of the really powerful ones, in the hopes that it could help with the nightmare batch of bugbites I've acquired (dr.s instructions, not that I follow them that often). At least this time it's not just me, at least two of the kids are scratching and miserable also. Not that I want them to be, but it's not that mysterious 'why do they bite me and nobody else' thing again. I can't tell if it's helping with that, but I think it is starting to cloud my brain. Or maybe I'm just tired. What a concept.

Gd send that Eliyahu does NOT soak the bed tonight. I need a break, just for one night.

Actually there are a couple of other news type things I should write down. One is that John saw an add for a house that might work for us. I'm not holding my breath - it's far from perfect and it's the first house we are going to see, so the odds are not that good. But it's in Hadera, a city with a train station (!!!). You can't appreciate how important that is unless you'd been here, really. The house is affordable, barely, it has seven rooms, which means most likely six bedrooms. Woo-hoo! AND has a garden, FOUR mirpessot (balconies/porches), and a sort of in-law apartment, one room with a kitchenette.

Usually in Israel, the room count does not include the kitchen or bathrooms, it's a salon plus bedrooms - so a seven room house has a kitchen, some number of bathrooms, a salon (like a living room or front room) and six bedrooms. Usually. So the 'one room with a kichenette' is telling you it's not got a separate kitchen or bedroom. Like it's that important, but it came out so there it is.

The city is a small one, in a good-ish location. It'll be hotter and more humid than where we are now, but from the map it looks like anywhere you are open fields are just a short walk away. So, it's far from perfect. We're going to go see it on Friday, unless something comes up.

The other thing is that I am taking an idea from wyndspirit and John and I are trying to get a loan for debt consolidation. We have the property in Vermont for collateral, and if our credit wasn't so bloody bad I'd feel a lot better about our chances. Trying to get a family member to cosign would be pretty tricky, but we aren't ruling it out (at least to ask) if it will help. The thing is, my mother won't, my sister can't (her credit is WAY worse than ours), I don't know if my fil can, and my mil's financial disasters are so legion it boggles the mind. There are still John's brother, and an uncle he has relied on in the past, so it's not hopeless, but not looking so good, either.

What is in our favour is that we own our property outright, and what we want to borrow is a fraction of the property value. John is employed making decent money, and the bank would be holding $4000 in a savings account, which makes the whole thing a much sweeter deal for them. Long story, but to borrow just what we want, there would be excessive (given the amount of the loan) closing costs, and this way we get a lower interest rate as well. So, we borrow $4000 more than we need, no closing costs, lower interest rate PLUS whatever we earn in interest on the $4000 offsets the interest we are paying some more. AND a monthly payment which is significantly more affordable than the situation we are in now. And when the loan is paid off, if we get it, if all goes well, in five years, we have a few thousand in the bank as savings. Just can't argue with that.

So, for the moment, we hope and pray, and act as if the loan isn't going to happen because we have to act that way until (unless) the check arrives. So, prayers, positive thoughts, incantations and whatever are appreciated here.

Enough, enough, enough. My old great-grandmother cat can't eat regular food any more. Something wrong with her teeth or her jaw. We've been soaking the dry food (she won't eat canned cat food), or hand feeding her whatever meat or fish comes to hand. I don't know how long she's going to last like this, but she isn't actually showing many signs of slowing down, so I'm hopeful. I'm willing to hand feed her for a few years if it means she gets to live in reasonable comfort. I really love that cat (how much I hated her when she was a kitten!). If/when she dies it will be a huge loss for me, more than for the kids even. The cats were always more 'my' pets.

I'd better stop, finally. It's not quite 2am. Tomorrow is another day. Supposed to be a cooler day, according to the forecast, and even a chance of a sprinkle or two!! I could live with that. Oh, last thing (I hope). I read two more of the Hebrew easy reader books tonight, and I am definitely going quicker and finding it easier, even though I don't know many of the words still. I read with the dictionary at hand. Yippee! At least I may be able to read children's books to my grandchildren, if nothing else. ;-)

Good night. Really. Good night.

I'm listening to the hard drive spinning, the fan labouring, and not much else.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06