I'm grateful for: watching a bit of the Adventures of Baron Munchausen; the end (I hope) of the wicked email day; my beautiful children

I just needed to talk to myself a little bit - I don't even know about what. Feeling unloved, I guess, and I don't know what all else.

I finished, finished, finished everything to do with the photos. I went through all the negatives tonight. They went amazingly quickly, I'd thought they would be harder to sort through than the photos, but not so. It is possible I threw out a negative (or more) that someday we will wish we had kept for some reason or other, but if so, I guess that's life. As I said to Zechy, now when I'm dead you won't have to go through all this crap - it's all done for you. Yeah.

I'm glad. I don't want to look at old photos. Even ones that are not sad make me sad. I can't look at a photo taken of me, at least during a period of more than a decade, without getting sad, and wanting to cry. Photos remind me of things lost, and missed, and the love I have not had, and the travesty that I sometimes feel my marriage is, and of bad things that happened and, oh, all kind of things like that.

They also remind me of wonderful things, but almost all of those are about the children. Looking at cute baby pictures, and being reminded of some wonderful time spent with them. Obviously for my own memories I want to keep only photos of the children, and no one else. For them, though, there has to be photos of all the people who've peopled their lives - or as many of them as we have. And, really, the photo albums are as much or more for the children as/than they are for me.

Yuck. More bad email today. Just a bad email day. I don't even want to talk about it. Some guy wrote, he's been having sex with his sisters and he says he wants to stop but doesn't know how/needs help. I don't want to answer this one. But, how can I leave it unanswered? Neil apparently is the one who sent it to me. Without telling or asking me. And then was being a dick about it. I 'suggested,' strongly, that we don't do anything now, and discuss the matter another time. I am so not up to dealing with any shit, not Neil's, not this guy's, whoever he is. It was *really* crappy for Neil to forward that to me without even telling me what was up. Without asking me. Without discussing it with anyone.

I really didn't need to find that in my inbox today. Along with all the crap from my mother and a bitch (pardon me, but I am giving free rein to my feelings at the moment) telling me that "If you don't like something, then change it. If you can't change it then change your attitude." Just what I was talking about - other people's shit. It's not okay to just feel bad about something you don't like. That's not allowed, I have to change my life, or change how I feel about my life? Fuck you, bitch! I need to grieve my life, and then maybe I will be ready to move on to other things. And, in the meantime, I won't like it, I won't change it, and I am not changing my attitude. And you can fuck off and die. Bitch. I don't need these people in my life. How do I make them go away and leave me alone?

Sometimes you just have to feel sad. Sometimes you just have to feel bad. Today, I've done some of that, and some real enjoying of my life. I know what I prefer, but that doesn't mean that it's an either/or propostion. One of my favourite quotes "Recovery is the ability to live with contradiction." Not black, not white, but sometimes shades of gray, sometimes BOTH black and white, sometimes at the same time. Sometimes alternating. Life is complicated. Beautiful when it is complicated. When I can just let it be what it is - bigger and more complex than I can ever truly grasp or understand. It gets ugly when I try to force it into only being what I allow it to be. It's big, scary, messy, dangerous, exciting, terrifying, wonderful, terrible, crowded and lonely. And a host of other things.

I've been having these weird fantasies - I don't know what else to call them - that the Iranians actually launch a nuclear weapon at Israel and I (along with most everyone I know here) would be dead, and how would that affect what I write/have written? Would anyone care? Would it make a difference? I'm thinking about my mother, old friends in the states, some of them people I've been trying to communicate with for years. If I was wiped off the map, would they finally hear me?

It's really just idle stuff in the back of my head.
I don't honestly expect anyone to nuke Israel, certainly not any time soon. If someone did, there is no reason to assume the bomb would be anywhere near me (of course Israel is a very small country), but where they would be aiming at, they wouldn't never hit here unless their aim was as bad or worse than the Palestinians launching Kassams from Gaza.

Gah. It's all bullshit anyway.

I am looking forward to my manicure/pedicure appointment tomorrow. I *should* be trying to sleep so that I can get up and function, get a bath, eat breakfast, and get out the door in good time. *sigh* But I need this time to listen and write about whatever it is lurking in my head. Mostly just feelings.

It's not been such a good life, and it's not been such a happy life, but like many a miserable movie a whole lot can be saved by a happy ending. So how long do I have to wait for a happy ending? What if I don't get one? I can't even think about that. If I don't get one then by then it will be too late anyway, so no use fretting about it now.

I'm working through some stuff in my head about John and our relationship, coming to terms with what is. Not happy about it, but like so many things it can be lived with and it's not by far the worst that could happen. He really doesn't want to change. He really wants to stay stuck in his head, not even living a real life, forget about seeing/knowing/loving other people and being seen/known/loved. And, truly, it's himself he is hurting the most. It's hard to remember that, or to care very much, when I am caught up in grieving my hopes for a marriage and a relationship, but that is the absolute truth. And if he continues as he is going, he will come to the end of his life having wasted almost all of it and with nothing to show for it. And, hey. There is nothing I can do about that.

He reminds me of my mother in that he is so busy 'protecting' himself he's got absolutely nothing to give, and allows no one to give to him.

I need to try and get some sleep. The teenage boys are playing music way too loudly for 2am, and I've talked to them about it and now I really must do what I can. And if I'm still awake at 4:30 in the morning, well, at least it won't be because I didn't try.

I"m listening to people being loud outside my window, now that the boys have turned the music off

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06