I'm grateful for: finishing the sky; a family where we read aloud to each other; Shabbos ending

Today is the day my mother celebrates 'my' birthday. That is, the birthday of my sister (who died) and who my mother insists is me. It's been a whee, fun day all the way 'round so far. No, that's not true. It's actually been a pretty decent day in a lot of ways. But my emails was toxic and explosive.

My mother sent me an 'official' (from Amazon.com) request that I should get a wishlist. I have a wishlist. I have had one for years. She couldn't find it. It is listed under my name. My mother can't remember my name.

Or something.

The rest - well, let's just skip it.

The high points of the day include finishing the sky in this jigsaw puzzle I'm working with my kids, John reading aloud to several of us from a memoire of a man who worked in/with (it's not quite clear) the British navy and went ashore the day after D-Day. Can you imagine? 'Where were you on D-day, grampaw? I was a-sittin' in a boat hoping we didn't get hit while everyone else went ashore.' I don't know the title of the book, and it doesn't sit still long enough for me ever to get a look at it.

And John (continuing with my list of 'high points') reading aloud from animorphs to me, Simcha and El'yah. I rested, had a difficult memory of life with my uncle when I was very small, and played a whole lot of Kingdom of Loathing. Many adventures.

The difficult memory was mostly difficult because I am still grieving and missing him. I don't know if that ever stops. It would certainly be easier not to think about if my life were filled with productive interesting things I could do. *sigh* Such is life, for today.

I'm supposed to participate in a conference call in about twenty minutes and I don't want to. There's going to be all kinds of friendly discussion of all kinds of things I don't care to talk about. And some business. Which I am also in no mood for. Am I not in a charming mood? Only here, though. In my life I am as properly sociable as I am capable of being.

Yah, love being me.

Remembering my sister, the one who's birthday it is, it is hard to be upbeat and cheerful. Adding to that grieving and missing my dead uncle definitely adds an isolating element - don't want to talk with anyone at all. And, of course, my darling mother who can't remember my name is just the spice that is needed to complete the recipe.

The pain? Hey, physical pain can be nothing when I've got shit in my head. It's still here. Keeping me mostly in bed, which is boring, boring, boring. And dark, now. I look forward to leaving this room later, if only to sit somewhere there is some light.

The kids have been having a bit of a typical shabbos. Havva complains that there is nothing to eat (Havva ALWAYS complains that there is nothing to eat). Hans pops in and out of my room saying nothing, or, pronouncing something or other and wandering off. Pronouncements range from 'my life is a sit-com' to 'There was a Tom Plunkett (probably not the name) in the British Army of the Peninsula who ...' No, I don't remember the details.

Zechy has been working on the puzzle with me, keeping me company occasionally, walking the dog and playing with the dog and being scratched by the dog, reading books and seeming to have a fine time. Simcha was visited by a friend earlier today and they seemed to have a good time playing. And she's played with Eliyahu (don't ask me what), listened to Animorphs, played with Legos and I don't know what else. Eliyahu's been apparently well entertained, 'cause he's only been in here a few times today, once to listen to Animorphs. Quiet.

Simcha and Hans got into a bit of a tiff - nothing big. My kids really get along well together, even though Hans, with his Asperger's Syndrome, isn't necessarily the best at coping with people, siblings included. So they cope with him. It works. Wow.

Have barely seen Neil today. I am grateful. I've been mostly in a simmering mood of pissed off rage at him for the last week. I expect it's not going to improve any in the forseeable future. I am just sick of his wanting to be a part of the family as long as he doesn't have to change anything, and he never does any work. I don't mean housework (although that, too). I mean, we always have to bend around him, he doesn't budge. And while his family (us) have to put up with it, the rest of the world doesn't. So on top of everything else, whenever he does talk to me it's to complain about how unreasonable everyone else is, and how they all expect too much of him, and how can he be expected to ____________.

The most recent was cutting his hair. The rabbi at the conversion ulpan suggested, Strongly, that Neil and another fellow (also with long hair) should get their hair cut before Rosh Hashanah. This is typical, and John went through the same thing, getting his hair all chopped off and then just letting it grow back (it took John about three years). Whether the request is reasonable or not, whether the logic behind it holds water or not, this is something everyone has to do, really. Apparently, except Neil. What I really can't believe is he spent 80 shekels on a 'hair cut,' and no one in THIS house can see any difference. But 'it was so stressful' for Neil that the rabbi had 'better be satisfied.'

I just had nothing to say to him. We really aren't in a financial situation in this family to be able to throw away 80 shekels on nada-haircuts. Leaving alone his attitude that the entire Jewish world should bend over and change it's customs just for him. Because he finds haircuts 'stressful.'

I know, I know it's his insanity, and, theoretically not my problem. It wouldn't be my problem if he didn't live with me, and make me hear all his complaints, and cost us a lot of money while he drags this conversion epic out even longer than it normally is (it's normally a very long, involved, frustrating and infuriating process. Neil is just adding to it). In his own inimitable way.

If/when he finishes his conversion, he gets support from the state. He is entitled to social services and all kinds of things which as a student we have to provide for him. His financial contribution to the family from his U.S. social security income is not enough to offset what he's costing us these days. About the only real benefit is that it is in dollars, which saves me a lot of conversion (money conversion) headaches. I think the headaches might be worth it right now.

I have not-so-gently suggested he could rent a room with someone else on the yeshuv. There are plenty of places not just here, but in Israel, where he could rent a room.

He's in here now. The teleconference is supposed to be happening, but no one else is on the phone. So now I'm stuck with Neil talking at me. I suppose it's better than when he's not talking to me?

Gd, I'm bitching again. I'm off.

I"m listening to dogs barking all over the neighborhood

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06