I'm grateful for: being alone in the house, even if I couldn't do anything; pretty nails; all kinds of good things happening.

Crazy, crazy day, too full, and way too hot. I don't even know what happened. I mean, besides the heat. It was a real nightmare. I couldn't function at all, and I woke up before eight meaning I had less than six hours sleep. Which undoubtedly contributed to the lack of functioning.

I did get a bath, and breakfast, and my fingernails and toenails done. It's a nice enough job, but I don't think it's worth what it cost. The manicure was extreme and painful - I didn't feel pampered, so even if my nails to look great - not worth it.

John brought me home and then pretty much immediately headed out to the beach with everyone, giving me my four hours alone. Neil was being a complete shit. No surprize there. He was really shitting to John in the morning, but John didn't figure it out until I told him Neil was being a shit. John is like that. Once I pointed it out to him, though, he got it.

In a way it puts me a bit more in charity with Neil. Craziness. Because, while he is being really shitty to John, John is getting a little bit of a taste of what it's been like for me with him all these years. That has to be good for him. I mean, hell, it worked with my sister. My sister, the co-dependants co-dependant, who would have gone out herself to get me drugs in order to keep me sick.

What happened to her is, she went to grad school (she's a math professor now, or almost, ABD), and found herself in a little mirror dysfunctional family with her advisor and another of the advisor's grad students. Only there, Diana had my role. The loser, the fuck-up, the one against whom the other one looks so good. It's a situation set up by the advisor, not either of the grad students (like Diana and I as children), one is the 'good' one and one the 'bad' one, and there is nothing the 'bad' one can do to lose the role, because it has absolutely nothing to do with the person, but only exists to fill the needs or desires of the adult/advisor. So, Diana got to experience my role in the family. For several years. BTW, yes, Diana has a new advisor now.

It was the best thing that could have happened to our relationship. Diana as the 'good' one could never see how I was harmed by her behaviour (after all, she meant well... ). Diana, having gotten to be the 'bad' one now understands much better than I would ever have words to say. And, lo-and-behold, our relationship blossoms. She still often resumes the behaviour of her role in our family, and I have no doubt I do, too. But, it is so much better.

I write this as I haven't been talking to her lately. But I don't think it's about her. I've been pretty fucked in the head, and also just the living situation here has been so much too much. And, coping with the mother shit (she wrote to me again (!!) today. Will it never stop?) makes it harder to deal with Diana. Can't help that, she's part of the family system. *sigh*

So, anyway, I figure it can only help when Neil treats John with the same sort of condescension, disdain and just plain thoughtlessness that I have been getting from him for decades. Maybe in a few years, if we all last that long, John might actually begin to get it, that the way he feels with Neil is the same way I have felt with him. Maybe. I'm not holding my breath, mind you.

However, being a bit more in charity with Neil doesn't make it any easier to live with him. It's not just John he is being a shit to. I'm sick of him, the kids are sick of him, and he's starting to wear a little thin on his welcome. Not that we could or would kick him out, but if the family closes ranks against him, this will not be a happy place for him to live.

What is irking me the most is that he is jerking around with the conversion. I say either do the thing, or quit, but stop jerking around. It's annoying, it's expensive, it's time-consuming - and it's not like we have hoards of patience, money and time to be lavishing on his shit. I bitched about him a bit to Havva tonight. Not really helpful, I fear I am becoming one of those people who can't wait to say nasty things about a person behind his back. What the hell, I can't say them to his face. I don't mean about not jerking around with the conversion, I mean the nasty things I've said about him to Havva, and John. And here, too, I guess. But, if I can't say nasty things about people in my diary, then where can I? As much as I'd like to be a saint who never does that, and always thinks the best of people, I ain't there, and I'm not getting there in this lifetime. *Sigh*

So, on to a more happy topic. John was able to talk to a realtor in the Hadera area, and also to a secretary for a Moshav in the northern Shomron. I am really partial to the northern Shomron, myself. If I can't have the Galil (Galilee) or the Golan. It's a tiny moshav, forty families I believe, and agricultural. Could it be better for us? And, theoretically within a good driving distance from where John is working now. We're hopefully going up to see it Thursday morning, Hashem willing. John and I have appointments with the dentist in the afternoon. Pray for us!!!!!!!!!!! Or think happy thoughts or send positive vibrations our way or whatever. I so, so, so want to get out of this house and this neighborhood!

I was so dead today that I couldn't really enjoy the time I had the house to myself. I ended up coming up to my room, reading and working on a jigsaw puzzle. I could've done that with a houseful of kids. The heat was just completely unbearable. It seemed that there was no oxygen in the air, too, something that happens (or seems to me to happen) when the temps get too high. Tomorrow is supposed to be hot like that, too. And Tuesday morning.

The good thing, if it is a good thing, about that is the social worker from the moetza (the city) is coming over tomorrow around 11am, to go over our rights since I am disabled. We are entitled to rent assistance, and some kind of help in the house, among other things. I don't know what it all is, that's why she is coming over, to explain my rights and benefits. And to help us figure out what we can get and how to go about it. So, it's good that the social worker should see me when I am not doing well. Too often people see me when I am not at my worst, and assume I am like that all the time. Too often, hell, almost every single time so far except once. Fortunately that once was at the neurologist for B'tuach Leumi (Israeli Social Security), so he got to see me bad enough that I now have all these rights and benefits I know nothing about. Whee!

So, anyway.

What else? I can't remember, really. Some crazy email stuff, with people assuming I meant this and that, and me trying to explain myself, and then my explanation being taken as 'defensive,' and on and on. It just tires me out. All of it. I hope I haven't just lost a friend along the way. It's hard to know. Damn, that the thing about not being perfect, you never know when others are going to hold it against you.

Something like that.

I need to get some sleep. I came to bed early (really tired), and tried to sleep and couldn't, which is why I'm writing this a little after midnight. I hope I will be able to sleep, now. I really, really need the sleep. I feel tired enough. I wish I knew what the problem is that I can't sleep. I'm certainly not always like this. But often enough... *sigh* Again with the sighing. *sigh* I'm bored with myself again.

Alina shows up theoretically between eight and nine to work on Hebrew with me. Then the social worker at eleven, and the chiropracter at five. If I've written this all before, sorry. I can't remember. I need some sleep! Whatever it is that is wrong with me should pass, soon. :-) And a new home, in the north, with room for chickens and goats.

I miss my farm so big there's no words anyone can know. English. Drives me crazy.

I'm going to try and sleep. Good night.

I'm listening to Eliyahu's sleep breathing

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06