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Honey is Sweet

To sleep and pray - 2006-09-24

I'm grateful for: resting; a new movie; hearing the shofar

Hi everyone. Or whatever. It's before midnight, heck, it's before eleven. And if I hadn't forgotten to phone Alina to tell her I'm not up to practicing Hebrew tomorrow I'd be looking at a worry-free night and hopefully morning of catching up on sleep. Ah, well. Practicing Hebrew is good for me, even in the small amounts I do with Alina.

John woke me up too early - which wasn't early enough. Too early as I'd only had about five hours sleep (who needs sleep?), but not early enough to have the time I needed to eat, bathe, dress, and arrive at shul in decent order. Somehow we managed it though. Amazing.

I was in the shul when the shofar was sounded. Something that hasn't happened in two years, and not for decades before that. There are three steps up to the women's section, and we debated getting me up there in the wheelchair, but I voted to stay where I was, right in front of the doors to the men's section. Someone propped the doors open, so that those of us out there (I was far from the only one) could hear unobstructed. It's actually a rather nice shul. This was only the second or third time I've been in there - it's not very accessible.

When we got there, and the whole family went together, they were starting the prayers before the blowing of the shofar. I couldn't remember any of them, and my eyes are acting up so that when a woman offered me a siddur I had to say no. I couldn't read well enough. But I did remember the story of a poor man who, although he didn't know the prayers, recited the aleph-bet with enough kavanah (feeling) that is was as if he were the most accomplished man of prayer around. I doubt if I managed his level of kavanah, but I went for it, reciting the aleph-bet and trusting that Hashem could put it together the way it was supposed to go.

Then they blew the shofar. It's funny how it hits me differently every time. Sometimes I feel this deep connection with the past, sometimes I just listen and wonder why I don't feel anything particular at all. Eliyahu asked why they blew the horn, and I explained it was like in the army (he knows the television M*A*S*H), where the man blows the bugle and everyone comes running. I said this was a call to all of us Jews to assemble before Hashem.

It's amazing, if a six-year-old hadn't asked the question, I doubt I would even have thought about it. But instead I did think about how we are all supposed to have been present at Sinai. Not in some mystical, magickal way, just thought about it. I found a few tears leaking out, which was actually pretty cool. I mean, at the time I wasn't thinking of it that way, but I do think it's pretty cool that I was able to feel enough to leak tears. I also hugged and hugged and hugged Eliyahu the whole time we were there. He didn't mind, he was happy to cling to me, too.

I've been making some progress with the shit in my head, realizing I've been making trouble for myself in all kinds of ways. Worrying about what people will say and think before I've even had a chance to get out in public, and having all these fear-based reasons not to do things instead of just doing them and letting Hashem be responsible for whatever might come.

It's a scary way to live, but you know, life is scary. I'd rather do things, and be frightened, than stay home and hide out being frightened. As long as I'm going to be frightened anyway. I don't know how/if that will translate to my doing anything very much different, but I did go to shul to hear the shofar, and that was different. It's a step.

The dizziness/vertigo/whatever is still with me. It's hard to just stay still, but when I move injudiciously I am quickly reminded not to do that again. And now I have some shooting kind of electrical pains in my right hand. It sounds like M.S., but with several people in the house exhibiting cold-like symptoms I can't rule out a virus for the dizziness. I wish I had a dr. who wasn't such a complete ass to talk to. I have to ask John to see about making me an appointment with him. *Sigh* Which will probably come to nothing. He is *such* an ass. Maybe I can get another referral to the neuro, though. Who was also an ass. I want to go back up to the neuro in Kfar Saba, or the one up north at the Krayot. What? I'm not supposed to want dr.s who actually listen to me and are at least a teensy bit knowledgeable about my problems?

Anyway.

After coming home from shul (we left almost immediately after the shofar), I rested a bit and then spent the day doing a lot of what I did yesterday. John read aloud to me (WWII book) and to the kids (Animorphs). I read a bit of my Korean War book, and something called Icefields. I worked on the jigsaw puzzle with the kids. It was quiet. Other than the crazy dizziness it was a nice day. I got to spend a little bit of time looking at the chickens, uploaded a few photos to my fotolog (after sundown), and watched a new-to-me movie called Walk on Water. Which was very, very good.

Also played Kingdom of Loathing.

And now I am going to try to maybe fall asleep before midnight. If I can. I haven't drunk any soda this evening so there's no caffeine issue. I am certainly tired enough, and I don't have enough of a schedule that my body would try to stick to the schedule I haven't got. So, sleep? I can but hope.

I also talked a bit with a lot of the family about the moving situation. I guess we are all clear that we want to move, but at the moment it doesn't seem the time and the places we've seen just aren't the place. So, we keep on looking. And praying. And hoping. I just really want to live somewhere I can have a farm. I don't think that should be so difficult. It's not, I guess, what it is is up to Hashem.

Okay, I'm to sleep. And pray.

I'm listening to whoever is holding a rather loud conversation on the street right outside my house.

0 bleats so far

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06