I'm grateful for: our new dog; cats playing in the trees; down comforters.

Last night I couldn't load any diary pages, even my own. So I don't know if what I wrote last night showed up. It wasn't terribly important or meaningful, but still it would be nice to know.

Today was a pretty good day. I got up early - too early in that it was WAY less than eight hours sleep. I thought I would go to the shuk with John, but he'd already left when I came out of my room (dressed to go!), a little before 7:30am. He never leaves that early when he's planning on going with me. Argh.

Still, I put the time to use. I wrote some emails, Zechy and I catalogued books (we're finished! Amazing). I looked at some Hebrew, nothing really much. Neil showed up in my doorway looking actually pretty good. I need to explain. He was obviously upset, but he was also so clearly present and in his body, in the present moment, however you might look at it, it was a pleasure to see him that way. Not 'ghost-Neil' at all. So I spent I don't know how much time listening, and hugging, and being reassuring, and saying all kinds of things that seemed like the right thing at the time. He cried, he fretted, he had a few insights, he said out loud some thing he undoubtedly had been needing to say. Eventually he felt better, and went off to sleep.

He (and John, and so many other people) don't seem to realize how much it takes out of a person to be there for them like that. It is draining emotionally, physically, mentally. At the end of a session like that (definitely more than an hour, possibly more than two) I need some TLC. At the very least someone could bloody well say 'thank-you.' What I do there, not everyone can do it. It's a gift. I mean, we all try to listen and be sympathetic when someone we care about it upset. It's just that some are more successful at it than others. This is something I am very good at.

Unfortunately, like so many of my 'gifts,' it is not something that anyone values - or rather, they certainly take advantage of it, and would miss it if it wasn't there, but it, and I, am totally taken for granted. So Neil slept and I mulled the situation. I would be cutting off my nose to spite my face if I refused to 'be there' for the others when they are needing a shoulder to cry on, or some understanding (or the swift kick in the ass with a pointy-toed boot for that matter). And not any amount of hooting and hollering is going to make any of these people in my life give me some back - you know, a little love, a little understanding, a little encouragement. Hell, a thank you for being there for me. It's my role, right? As wife, mother, care-giver (even though I'm the crip in the house), sister, emotional Walmart for the sad and broken.

It's not even like Neil has to be there giving me TLC after he's just drained himself emotionally on me. Maybe - John! - could see that I've just wrung myself out for Neil and bring me a treat, a hug, give me a little love and attention. Or some other combination. You know, where I not only give, but occasionally am given to? Only that is not the world I live in. At the moment I am a little resentful of it. And the fact that none of my 'gifts,' if they are gifts, are anything that anyone will pay for in this world. At least, not so far. So I am supported by my husband and collect disability, not because I don't have anything to contribute, but because there's no method I can see to get paid for what I do contribute. Which makes it invisible, and I guess worthless in some way.j

You know, I am really tired of being a crippled, obese, middle-aged loser when I do so much and give so much to so many people. There is something seriously fucked in the value system.

I'm just saying.

Anyway, John did bring me breakfast after Neil left. I suppose I should be grateful he is willing to see to my physical needs (some of them)((mostly)). We got a bunch of the lp's packed, very tricky that. You can't put too many of them in one box, and yet one just doesn't have that many boxes suitable to carrying lp's. You know, old-fashioned vinyl records. The good stuff. Hans did most of the packing, I gave suggestions and provided a few pointers. I already said Zechy and I finished cataloguing the books. Amazing. We 'only' have about 2600. It really is an only, that is way down from the number we had when we left the U.S. Mostly lost in the lift debacle. It is very sad to lose a library like that. Still, it's not like we are going to run out of reading material anytime soon. :-) That doesn't include any of the Hebrew books, either, because my database can't handle the Hebrew. I'm going to have to create a different cataloguing system for those books. Another hundred, easily. :-)

We did some massive cleaning around our new dog coming today. The thing is, she chews. On everything. Little plastic eggs, lint, you-name-it. And she is extremely tall. Tall as in she can get her head up over the counter without straining herself in the least. Her whole head. I should add that Israeli counters are generally higher than those usually found in the U.S., if you care. So any flat surface we have has to be as free as possible from anything she might want to chew on that we don't want to lose (or don't want to have to have surgically removed from her digestive tract).

She came with the name 'Uggi' which means cake. We've renamed her Balta M'tukah which means Sweet Balta. Balta is a feminized form of Balto, the lead sled dog in the team from the original emergency sled race which is recreated in the Iditerod. I think I said that right. Havva found the name, I mean Balta, and we had all started calling her M'tukah already - 'sweetie.' :-) She is quite sweet.

The kids all went up to collect Balta from her previous home with Chamudah. The two dogs are already quite fast friends, and chase each other around the house like puppies at play. It is quite funny to see, with Balta being so very tall, and Chamudah looking like a Labrador on Chihuahua legs. Her legs are too short for her. Very silly. So Chamudah doubles back under Balta, and squeezes through spaces Balta can't get through, and it almost evens it out when they play chase games. Almost.

What is funnier still is watching Balta (who is still a puppy) trying to 'submit' to Chamudah. She puts her head on the floor and tries to somehow push herself down lower, but there is just too much dog there. Still, there is no question which one is the higher status dog in the 'pack' here. Neither of them question that Chamudah, the adult, is in charge. I'll have to try and get some photos, but I have no idea when. Packing and all really is utterly time-consuming.

Another thing today, Joyce, my old great-great-grandmother cat, climbed the tree outside my window, and gave me the greatest show of her chasing the birds around. She was leaping from branch to branch, and doing all kinds of really wonderful to watch cat stalking things. She may be old but she certainly has still got it. She wasn't in the least interested in catching any of the birds, but was just enjoying chasing them around. I don't feel sorry for the birds, they are some kind of crow, or jay, with an incredibly loud raucus call and they mob other birds. The only harm she may have done them is that while she was chasing them a hawk seemed to want to take advantage of an easy meal that she was flushing for it. There is a hawk family nesting a few houses away from us and I think it was one of the parents.

The young hawks are flying now, but they haven't left yet. I expect it will be very soon, I think it's actually rather late in the season for them still to be here. I don't know that much about them though, don't even know what kind of hawks they are. They are pretty, though, and fun to watch.

While Joyce was romping about the tree-branches, another kitten from the same litter as Willow climbed the tree after her and then started stalking, or rather trying to stalk, Joyce. That part was really delightful. I just had the best time with critters today.

It's cold here. I think I have to stop, so I can curl up under the covers. I generally don't mind the cold so much, but I hate the short days, and today the cold is bothering me too. I wish I could just sleep through November and December, come back when the days start getting longer again.

But not this year. This year we are moving. Soon. I hope.........!

We watched The Court Jester (Danny Kaye, Angela Lansbury, oh, a wonderful cast in all) for our Friday night movie. And I took some of the pills I have for pain, and they seem to have helped at least a little bit. And I am really feeling the cold, so, good night.

I'm listening to Eliyahu making little moaning sounds in his sleep

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06