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Honey is Sweet The truck is too small: redux - 2006-12-03 I�m grateful for: Stuff working; food in the house; my desk set up Terrified out of my Gd-damned mind and not enjoying a single moment of it. So what else is new? The truck that showed up this morning was not big enough for all of our stuff - apparently not even close. Huge amounts of stuff sitting in the old house. It has to be out tomorrow at the latest - except, if not. Who knows? It�s in Gd�s hands and everything I ever thought I knew seems to turn out to be wrong, so why not this? John is somewhere on the road between Ginot Shomron and here, with a van full of more of our stuff. It is after 10pm. He left here before six, and in theory intends to make another run up to Ginot as soon as the van is empty. Oy. I�m not liking where this is going, I�ll tell you that for nothing. I�m worried about his safety driving. I�m worried about all of our stuff up there, that we haven�t gotten out of the house. I�m worried about him going without sleep, and driving, driving, driving. He intends to spend all of tomorrow driving up and back picking up stuff as well. I want the stuff. Some of it we need, and I can�t begin to guess which of it that is because of how this has all gone. I�m a mess of worry. So is John, but instead of just acknowledging and feeling the fear, he shuts his brain down and then does all sorts of bone-headed things that are absolutely guaranteed not to make anything any better. *sigh* He�s driving up and back with that guy, who�s name is David by the way, that he was going with last night. When I wrote �I�m not liking where this is going,� I think I was thinking about David. He�s a bit of a jerk. Like I used to be. I mean very like I used to be. He reminds me of me. *sigh* More how I used to be than how I am right now - thank goodness. Thank Gd that I ain�t what I used to be! Anyway, so that is another cause of worry. Silly, maybe, but there. I�m freezing also. There are two space heaters sitting in the salon unused. Why don�t I take one and plug it in and use it? I don�t know. But I didn�t, and I�m not going to get out of bed to do it now. I may be freezing, but it�s nothing to how I will feel if I get out of bed. The air temperature isn�t even that cold. It�s just that I�m still sick, and over-tired, and over-wrought, and worrying, and generally not in a good place to tolerate a slight chill. I hope, hope, hope, hope John is here sooner rather than later. That would be by eleven o�clock rather than, say midnight. I need him to do two things - one of them should be very quick, the other not so quick. I need him to connect the wireless router so I can go online (and post this among other things) and I need the washer and dryer hooked up. The internet should be the quick one. And then he is planning on turning around and driving back up north. He didn�t have a full night of sleep last night either. Or the night before. Any wonder I�m worrying about him driving? David is a mixed blessing. I know that John will be much less likely to fall asleep driving with him there, but he also slows down the trips. I�m not sure exactly how, but when John isn�t driving with David he�s averaged about 3 or 3.25 hours for a round trip, including loading and unloading. With David, and this in only the second trip they�ve done together so far, One Way has been more like four hours. This is not good. Anyway, I�m working on not fretting. I know it doesn�t sound like it, but that is actually why I am sitting here typing this. I was actually crying from the stress and worry, and I knew that it wasn�t right. If I really believe that Hashem is in charge and that everything will turn out right ... and I do, I really do, at least intellectually, even if my feelings aren�t quite up to that ... then I need to do what I would be doing if I wasn�t worrying and everything was just the way I want it to be. So I ended up coming in here and hooking up the big computer, and then getting the laptop, which I am now typing on, and sitting in bed. Of course, if he was here, or at least things weren�t so crazed, I might be sitting here with a working internet connection at least. It�s not John�s fault. All the stuff I need is sitting right there in one box right by his computer and the jack and the power, and all I would need to do it plug it in. But I never paid enough attention when John was setting the various pieces up. I don�t know which router plugs into what, and how I connect the phone to the whole thing, so I just left it with the phone plugged in and wait for John. Aren�t I impressive? I shouldn�t talk/write like that, I know. It�s not that I don�t know that if I could have taken it in I would have, and that I am quite computer savvy, only after the last two years of uncertainty and stress and all that has gone wrong, and right, and just plain cock-eyed, I just haven�t had enough spare brain power for even something like how to connect a couple of boxes and some wires. I�ve been using my brain power for more important things, like reassuring my children, and figuring out how we get by on less than enough money from month to month, and Oh! I am tired of it all. I just want to hand it all to Hashem and say �Here, you deal with it, I�m just going to sit here and contemplate my navel for the next few years.� But it doesn�t work that way. I still have to do the work. It�s a lot of Gd-damned work. Hans is up in the salon, I think. I know he�s up, I think he�s in the salon. Now I know he�s in the salon. Someone was honking outside, and I asked him to check if he could tell who/where it was. He�s sick. I�m still sick, too. Throat, and a dry, painful cough which is just dying to turn into one of those cough-up-a-lung kind of things with huge amounts of phlegm and misery. Yeah. I�m having fun here. Funnily enough, I am having some fun. If only enjoying being able to make light twisted comments in the midst of all of this crap. They are not that funny, I�m really too sick and too stressed - or not sick and stressed enough - to come up with any really good one-liners. But I am keeping myself from utter despair and misery. I take some satisfaction from being able to do that. Still liking the neighbours and the neighbourhood, for all that David is grating a bit on my nerves. We�ve stepped into a really miniature Peyton Place here among the English speakers on the moshav. I hope to stay out of it, but who knows if that is possible? One thing, I won�t be courting any of them. They come to me, to my house, fine. I am not putting out effort for them. Is that hateful? But I already know that they are trouble, of various kinds. Ouch, my back hurts from sitting up in bed writing this. I�m going to stop and try to lie down. And pray maybe. I need to do more of that. I always need to do more of that. I�m listening to: Neighbours calling back and forth outside 0 bleats so far:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::
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