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Honey is Sweet

Another sad day. *sigh* - 2006-12-23

I'm grateful for: sunlight coming through the rainclouds; a house that stays warm enough; sunflower seeds (garanim).

I'm feeling really sad right now. I told Zechy the other day that I rarely get depressed, and it's true, I don't. I do, however feel sad a lot. There is a difference.

I'm feeling sad because I am working so hard, so very hard, and no one notices. No one cares. No, really. They appreciate the fact that there are hot homemade soups and the house is more organized than it would be if I wasn't working, but there is no one who cares how hard it is for me. Except for me.

I don't know if I'm being a whiny little girl or if this is something I'm 'entitled,' if that makes any sense, to feel bad about. There is no one in my real life who cares, or for whom it matters, that I am busting my ass and working until I am literally about to drop day in and day out - except me. My children -- are children. 'Nuf said. My husband is WAY to self-centred and besides to him I am not really real. He still doesn't get that I (or anyone else outside of his head) actually exists. My brother couldn't care less, as everything is all about him - and what is not about him is about ignoring anything that isn't about him. My sister makes mouth noises (where *did* that phrase come from?) about sympathizing, but she's pretty much in the same place as my husband. She doesn't even know how to care about herself, forget about caring about anyone else.

I do have friends here who care about me, but none of them are close enough to really know. And the friendships aren't that long and strong that I can just dump this on any of them. So I'm left with ... me.

Why does it matter if anyone else cares? I don't know. Maybe it's cause no one has ever cared. Until I learned to care about me, literally no one did. So now, I do. And for some reason it doesn't feel like enough right now. I want to just stop. Even though I am enjoying what I am doing, I get tremendous satisfaction out of working as hard as I am and doing all that I can do, there is a part of me that wants to just stop because no one cares.

That sounds pretty pathetic to me. But what do I know? I know that I don't know. I don't know what normal people feel. I don't know what it is like to have people in your life, no matter how flawed, who genuinely care about you and your well-being. Even if they don't necessarily help.

Does it help when you are hurting to know that someone else cares, even if they can't help? My kids care, but all they can do is sit helplessly by, so I really try to not put that stuff on them. I blew it last night, but usually I keep it away from them, how badly I am hurting, how hard it is for me to keep doing things, chopping vegetables, doing laundry.

I just don't know. And today I would like to know, to understand, what a difference it makes to have someone who cares. I have this fantasy that it would make all the difference in the world, that it would somehow change my whole life, which is nonsense. I'd still be crippled, I'd still have to take care of a household of five of my offspring, my childlike husband and my utterly self-centred brother. I'd still have crap piled high on my desk that prevent me from doing the things I want to do that make me happy - working with music, knitting while I listen to music... working with my photography...

I'd still probably hurt all the time.

Anyway, I'm in shit shape between my ears and not sure at all what I am supposed to do, if anything, about it.

It's still raining a bit. It's pretty to see, and it's bright out and not too cold. That is different from where we lived in Ginot, where if it was raining it was always dark and cold.

I want to eat all this junk food to try and fill up the hole I'm feeling in my soul. I know it doesn't help. And besides, the hole is just me not recognizing at the moment that I have everything I need. If there is something I'm missing, I'm not going to find it in Oreos. Right?

***

Later, I don't know what happened, other than the kids were in here briefly and I cleaned up a bit in the bathroom. If the cat pees on the bathroom rug, wouldn't you think it makes sense to get it out of there? Or is that just silly of me? Someone actually went to the bother of soaking the rug and hanging it on the side of the bathtub, still reeking of pee. !!! You see why I want to be able to keep moving and doing? Yeah, I thought so.

There is a fly bothering me. I have to tell you, if you haven't experienced houseflies in Israel, you have no idea. They actually dive-bomb your face, and on several occasions I've had one fly directly into my eye. I mean, it is a whole new dimension of housefly misery. They are really fast buggers, too. You can take them out with a fly swatter, but it's just not as easy. It's just something that has to be experienced to be believed.

I'm sick, and I need to eat, and I just hae no motivation to do anything. I mean, besides getting cat-peed rugs out of the house. Anything else that will seriously decrease my joy of living here I can probably summon up the strength to cope with.

I am so tired of being miserable. I have no doubt my kids are tired of me being miserable. What can you do? I suppose some people are just destined to have harder lives than other people, and we do the best we can with what we have. Right now, the best I can do is hide out, try to avoid dealing with the children, and hope that somehow, someway, there is something that I am missing and I will figure it out eventually.

And that's all there is.

I'm listening to household sounds

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