I'm grateful for: a new rocking chair, that I may someday be able to sit in; a few moments alone; The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul by Douglas Adams.

It feels as if I have been trying to update here for a long time, then I look at my buddy list and it says it's only been one day. Been a long day, I guess.

I think I am losing it. Really going completely beyond the twist. Or maybe. I don't know. I have no one to talk to, and I'm pretty sure my judgment is unreliable.

Of course there is all the stress. I don't think I wrote here about our old landlord stealing about $600 from us this month. He had a rent check for December (and January and February) and deposited it right on time, as if we were still renting from him. John found out last week. I think I've been in shock ever since. That comes close to 1/2 of our food budget for a month. Like we had all this extra money lying around handy.

John talked to our lawyer, but who knows if he will be able to do anything? We put stop payments on the other two checks. But a story from a friend about checks that weren't paid has me terrified about that too. John has been no help at all, did I say no help? I mean, if he could've made it worse...

Neil is completely oblivious. I told John today that in three months he is going to be living in the cottage. I cannot live in the same house with him. I told Neil that as of the first, I am no longer going to be responsible for his finances. We will work out what we think is a reasonable amount of rent (and board, and electric, and water, and ...) and he will be responsible for his own expenses. I just can't be bothered. Arsed.

Assuming John gets the cottage minimally habitable in the next three months (he may well not), then Neil will be moving out there with John. That should remove the lion's share of my problems and resentments. Assuming the problems really are them and not me.

Whether or not the problems are mine, I simply cannot function living next to these two men who take and take and take and take and take and take and take and take and take and take...

It is noticeable. Mondays and Wednesdays, John and Neil are both out of the house. Mondays and Wednesdays I am generally more able to function, I get more housework done, it's when I do the laundry (or, these days, the majority of the laundry), I cook, I spend time with the kids, I even might get outside for a while. I have tried to function on the days that they are home. I swear to Gd it's like they are sucking the life right out of me.

I also didn't mention that in this new house my room is directly between Neil's room and the bathroom. I am treated to way more than I can handle of him shuffling back and forth, often at high speed, with his head down to avoid making any kind of eye-contact, although he glances side-long into my room often enough that I know it's not just him being into his business. Today it went on for between half an hour and an hour before he went to bed. Yes, people need to use the bathroom for various things before bed. Nobody has to make so much noise and bother, and it's not like tonight was a special case. Earlier today Zechy was commenting on it, too. I really don't want the man in my house if he is affecting the kids, and he undoubtedly is.

My children are surrounded by men who are selfish, who don't 'see' them. Who actively ignore them when they can, and when they can no longer ignore them are often passive/aggressive toward them. John is perhaps better now than he used to be, but not that much. And Neil is worse. Undoubtedly worse. Undeniably worse.

So I am going to stop wasting my time and life energy writing about them. Enough, enough. Please Hashem let it be enough already.

I'm also completely exhausted. I overdid it today. Big emotional scenes with John, and laundry, and I started to try to make some potato salad. A trip to Netivot to B'tuach Leumi to get in a change of address. A big trip out - to the Moetza to arrange for the arnona, to Netivot to try and pick up a letter (which was delivered to Be'er Sheva (Beersheba), but hopefully will be delivered now to Netivot by Tuesday. To shopping in Ashkelon. We found the Mega supermarket, but it didn't have what we had gone there for. We shopped at Home Center, and I bought a rocking chair for 600 shekels - yeah, and I know how broke we are. The rocking chair broke on the way out to the car, so now I am out 600 shekels and have no rocking chair.

John says he can fix it, but says he can't tell me when he will get to it.

From Home Center we drove to the Takhana Rechevet (train station) where we pulled into an Ace Hardware, in search of some 'o' rings. No luck. Then to pick up Havva and home for supper.

I actually used the wheelchair going around Home Center and at B'tuach Leumi, but it doesn't seem to have made much of a difference. I am just as dead.

Zechy and I worked on a jigsaw puzzle last night, this morning and this evening. It's of the western wall, and has dragged on so long it's not even fun anymore, we both just want to finish it.

I'm bleeding again, no news maybe, but at the moment it is replacing some explosive diarrhea. So, is that an improvement? I don't even know.

Hans, the 18yo, worked today for Chaim, a neighbour who is a farmer at the corner a few houses down. We stopped by on the way out on our big trip, and I got to chat with Chaim's wife (whose name I haven't caught). VERY nice lady, who wanted to help me with Hebrew. I hope I get to chat with her again, I need more people like that in my life.

Now that Hans is working, he is happier, richer, and I expect everyone will relax the teensiest bit around here. Only the teensiest bit because there are so many other causes of stress, not because this isn't a great good thing. He's got something productive to do, to look forward to, is making money. He's not hanging around the house (more room, and less noise, and he and the younger kids don't always get on so well). Not only do I not have to come up with allowance for him, I feel better about him possibly being almost ready to go out on his own.

Not that my feelings matter. He and Havva have their plans, and I don't get any say in it.

The biggest stressor is money, duh. But there is my health, Hans' and Havva's future, Eliyahu's reading (he's not), all the work that has to be done on the house, more red tape to deal with (more changes of address and so on) and, and, and, and...

So maybe it's all just stress, and given a few weeks of not *so* insane living I will stop feeling like some madwoman escaped from the nuthatch.

Only I haven't escaped. I'm living in it.

Argh!

On the plus side, I've had almost no contact from my mother. She sent us the most incredible holiday card/letter. She used it to tell me that she thinks about her brother, and that two of her friends died this year. What friends? No one I'd ever heard of. And, is that what you put in a holiday letter? I never heard of that before. Yeah, it's all about trying to make me feel sorry for her so I'll be all friendly. I don't think so.

I did talk to Diana, which went well, I'm even sorry it had to be so short - less than an hour. I spoke to Megret, and kept it to ten minutes. Just about right, I think.

I was just thinking, again, how nice it would be if I had someone to pour out all my troubles to. But I guess I do. Diaryland. Somehow I persist in thinking how it's not as satisfying as having a real life person who can hold me and hug me and tell me everything will be all right. Still, I should really remember to be grateful for what I have, rather than brooding on what I'd like to have.

For all the horrors of the last month and the move and, well, everything, I can still believe that I am truly blessed, and given time everything will be better. Perhaps not all better, but better, certainly.

I'd better try and get some sleep. If anyone actually read this whole thing, all the way to the bottom here, bless you.

I am very tired of listening to the shit between my ears. Sometimes I think I've forgotten how to make it go away. It's just been too, too long is all.

Maybe I am cracking up, but maybe I just need a break from myself, from the fear and worries and stress and problems and people. Maybe I need a chance to remember how good it's been, and can perhaps be again.

Maybe I just need a loving hug ...

Well, I suppose if I do, Hashem will find a way to provide one. But, oh how I hate waiting.

I'm listening to John snoring, what else?

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06