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Honey is Sweet

Mulling - 2007-01-03

I'm grateful for: A sunny morning; a day I can do nothing except laundry; knowing I'm good enough.

Morning. It feels far too early in the morning. It's after eleven, and I've been up for about three hours.

I'm very tired.

Certainly understandable that I'm not functioning so well today. And there is nothing that absolutely has to happen today besides laundry. Any cooking can wait, and with Neil out of the house at least for today, nothing to fret me besides John. Who is at this moment picking Havva up from the train station in Ashkelon, so no worries on that front either.

I am in pain, which sucks. But more importantly I feel this heaviness, this lethargy, that makes it impossible for me to contemplate anything hard like getting out of bed, or thinking of what to do.

I don't know, is it just being tired from a night spent at hospital? Is it the M.S.? Is it a natural reaction to the weeks and weeks of stress from the move, and Neil, and so forth?

I haven't written much in detail about Neil, and I don't know that I will. But it became quite evident that he was and is the source of a heck of a lot of the stress that has been present in the household. That he was and is just too selfish and immature to share a household with as many people and other problems as we have. He decided himself to leave. Of course he did it in the most selfish way imaginable, saying he would be gone 'one day at a time' whatever that means. One thing it means is we can't clear his room and use it, even though we could use the space in a big way, because of his indefinite status.

Of course he hasn't anywhere else to go just yet. Still, as a gesture that he said was supposed to be doing something for me/us, it lacks a certain something.

One thing is sure. We won't be living in the same house again. Not in this lifetime. Him in the little house, maybe. But not in the same house.

He said this time he'll be back Thursday. I'm not looking forward to it and won't hold my breath. I really hope he doesn't come, but that's probably too much to hope for.

I've had a bit of a crash course, once again, in what is important to me. Not that I'd lost sight of it, but still, a potent reminder. As always my kids top the list, but also my ability to provide for my kids. I hadn't thought about it much, although I would have told you in a heartbeat. I had it kind of thrown in my face the last couple of days - my managing to put decent food on the table (as it were), to keep enough food, preferably healthy food in the house, juggling shekels and dollars and credit cards and whatever could be brought to bear, coping with shopping in a country where I don't always even recognize the food or know what to do with it ...

Well, anyway, my priorities aren't actually any different than they ever were. I'm more conscious of them. More actively aware of how hard I work for it and how much it means to accomplish what I do/have.

I've done. I've come up with good tasting meals which are healthy and that the kids will eat, using only donated produce from the neighbours and some old spices. I've managed to introduce the kids to some new foods they can prepare for themselves that require nothing more than a few potatoes and some oil (for instance) or cream cheese and a couple of eggs.

I figured out a scheme for paying the old electric bill from the old house, and am managing to let Hashem be responsible for the remaining $1000 that the old landlord may well make off with. Or it could be more with lawyer's fees and so on. I've figured out a scheme for juggling the heaters (the hot water heater, the dryer, or a room/space heater can none of them be turned on at the same time) so that we manage to have a decent amount of hot water enough of the time, the laundry gets dried, and the house doesn't get too cold.

I even managed to figure out how to get Hans new work boots and Zechy new shoes in the last week. And goodness, are we broke!

But anyway...

I'm tired. I've done well. I can feel satisfied. Someone else tells me that whatever I do it isn't good enough. Someone who "won't compromise his standards," which means, in short, he wants what he wants, when he wants it, and he doesn't care who else gets hurt or goes hungry along the way.

I know he said it just to be mean. It IS mean. In theory, I don't need to waste any time, effort or energy over someone who would be so mean. In reality, well, maybe I just need to take a day to not be able to function, to take care of and nurture myself for a bit. What the hell no one else will.

Okay, Megret is on the phone, and the whole cavalcade of kids is back with John. Later.

I'm listening the the dryer, the neighbours machinery, the computer whirring.

0 bleats so far

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06