I'm grateful for: quiet nights; raindrops; Balta on my small bedroom rug.

I've discovered that on days like today I have too much time to think. I've been reading d-land diaries, and very much enjoyed catching up with everyone. And I worked a jigsaw puzzle with several of the kids, but basically I've had too much time to think, which means too much time to brood.

I am out of practice with redirecting my thoughts. It's something I know I used to be better at. Work on the psalms, study some Hebrew, phone someone who will take my mind off of my troubles by telling me hers. I know *what* to do, I just don't seem to have been able to do it today.

So I brooded - that wouldn't be bred - and that just doesn't add to my serenity or sense of peace and contentment. Not as long as Neil keeps walking past my door trying to act 'normal,' and John ignores me except for once every four hours or so coming in and demanding that I tell him what I want him to do for me (food, drink; nothing like engaging with me emotionally - that he doesn't offer and I'm not foolish enough to mention).

My physical situation, meaning the house, furniture, &tc., is just about perfect - okay far from perfect, but I mean I don't think I would need to change anything to be perfectly happy here. Which leaves the menfolk. *sigh* I feel kind of stupid that it's taken me this long to get it, and at the same time there is still a part of me that wants to believe that there is something I can say or do to reach one or both of them, to make them see that it doesn't have to be this way.

So now I go off in my head in these stupid and hopeless fantasies, that we are talking to the rabbi somehow (he doesn't know a word of English), and I am explaining to him the way things are, as if he could do ... what? Or, well you know, that sort of thing. It's hopeless. I'm hopeless. My whole fucking life feels hopeless sometimes. My kids will move out and I'll be left with him, or them, Gd help me. And then what? I might as well just fucking kill myself at that point. Might be better if I could kill them, but only if I could get away with it.

So, I'm praying for a miracle, like recently happened to a friend here. One day at time I just get to soldier on, and pray like mad that Hashem has something worthwhile waiting for me. 'Cause it's gonna be a good few years before the kids are out of the house. I don't have to worry about that eventuality today.

I had something sharp in my right eye when I woke up today. I couldn't get it out, so it was there for a good chunk of today. Eventually it worked it's way out, but my eye doesn't feel any better. I think it's just irritated still, I hope. If it doesn't feel better tomorrow I'll have to think about finding a dr. Whee, fun, that.

I managed to attend half of a phone meeting today. I told Neil I couldn't possibly do it with him, so could we each take half? He agreed, so I got to be at the first half of the meeting. I don't honestly know if it was any good for me at all, except that there was a newcomer there, and it was surely good for me to meet her.

I wanted to phone someone and talk before the meeting, but ended up only getting to chat for a minute or so with my sister, and got talked insanely at by Megret. Oy. I'm tempted to try phoning Diana again now that it is later, but at the same time worried about Neil overhearing - him being in the next room - or about getting sucked into something sick with Diana, as has happened so many times before. I have to leave that up to Hashem, I know I can't make that decision for myself.

Hans complained of his leg being on fire today - the leg with the scorpion sting - but later it seemed fine. That was good for a few moments of worry.

Simcha said she wanted to spend more time with me. I know she does, and I keep telling myself I have to somehow make more time for her. So far I haven't been able to, despite good intentions. My health is declining again also, I have less energy and can manage far less around the house than I was able to even two weeks ago. Which means there will be less of me for everyone.

I slept for a few hours this afternoon. Undoubtedly I needed the sleep. I don't think it's a good thing if I'm going to be up terribly late again tonight because of it. It's already after midnight. It's taken me a while to type this thing.

Tomorrow we are supposed to be invaded by the Friedmans: Tzvia, Avraham, Michal, Yamin, and Eliezer. If they all come, the house will be more than full to the brim. This is such a tiny house. On the plus side, I won't see or hear from Eliyahu or Avraham the whole time they are here, and Simcha and Michal will be quite happily least in sight also. It means I have to entertain (talk with) Tzvia. I'm not sure I'm in the right mental space to just listen to her, and I just couldn't bear to talk to her about my problems with John and Neil, even if they weren't going to be here and able to hear every word. I hope Hashem has some kind of a plan for this. Right now, I don't feel like I can take it. John arranged the visit. Of course.

I am not helping my mood. The thing is, I am not depressed, I am angry. However, I am not free to express the anger - all it would do is to make life here even more unbearable than it already is. I have to try and hang on, keep my mouth shut as much as possible, and hope somehow to make it through the next two and a half months. I am almost looking forward to Hans and Havva starting to make more immediate plans for leaving. It will certainly give me something else to think about.

I'm listening to my clock ticking. Wow, it's quiet enough I can hear it. *very big grin*

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06