I'm grateful for: making it all over the supermarket; clean hair; not feeling cold.

Oy. So who wants to hear how sick I am tonight? That's what I thought. This flu is really kicking my donkey, you know?

I slept late, which is good, it means I slept. Weird dreams, though, really weird dreams.

I spent most of the day in bed. Zechy managed a load of laundry. John did some shopping. And washed my hair, yippee! I still need a bath, but it is such a relief for today to have a clean head. It really does *not* happen often enough.

After supper (John made falafel) I got dressed with some help and left the house with John, Zechy, Simcha and Eliyahu to go to Ashkelon for shopping and to pick up Havva. I forgot to mention and John just did not think of putting the wheelchair in the car. I honestly didn't think I had it in me to walk all over the supermarket. I guess Hashem knew, though, 'cause I did it. We bought some new shampoo, hoping to find out if I am allergic to the one we've been using. And couldn't find any soap bars we could use, what with allergies.

We stopped to pick up the mail coming home, and found there two letters seemingly addressed to my mother and to me at my address. WTF? So I opened them. One was an acknowledgment of change of address (mine), and the other was a statement of account for an IRA. Has to be mother's, I know I haven't got one. I can't figure this. Why was it sent to me? And, if it was sent to me in error, am I supposed to do something about it? I really, really, really do not want to have to contact my mother. Not for any reason, even this. But if she somehow f**ked up and has them sending things to her here at this address, then this is something that has to be addressed, yes? And how do I find out if I don't write or phone her?

For the moment, they are sitting on my desk, being ignored. I phoned my sister to see if she had gotten one too. I figured if she'd gotten one, then for some reason they were sending them out to everyone and I don't have to worry about it. But Diana hadn't received the thing, and being in the U.S. she would have gotten in a week ago maybe.

I now know all kinds of things about my mother's finances I don't care to know and are none of my business. Curious, isn't it? And, of course, what I know is only for this one account. Who knows what other money she may have in what other accounts? Or if this is her only one? What the hell, it's not my problem.

Diana and I talked about that briefly - just the thought that whatever we know, it's nothing compared to what we don't know. And that, whatever happens, if mother should find herself on the skids financially, there is nothing either of us could possibly do to help her. A situation she had her part in creating. As Diana commented, if mother had helped us out financially ten years ago (well, ten years ago for Diana, two for me), then we would both of us be in a place if, for any reason mother found herself penniless we could do something. Mother instead chose to clutch all of her money to her because she insisted she had no one at all to care for her and so she has to take care of herself. And she has created that self-fulfilling prophesy.

And, you know what? If, through some miracle, Diana or I were to suddenly become financially capable of supporting her, I don't know that either of us would be willing to. Because I've had to feed my kids on the generosity of my neighbours, while mother wouldn't send a cent because she might need it someday. And Diana has been homeless, sleeping in her car, driving a cab, not making ends meet, and mother likewise would give her the time of day.

Anyway, the whole thing is a mess, a can of worms. And I've got the statement for mother's new(est?) IRA sitting on my desk. What to do, what to do?

It's way after midnight. I'd be asleep if I could figure out how to sleep and keep breathing. I'm definitely loopy, my vision is blurry, I can feel the bags under my eyes deepening as I sit here typing. I'd best stop. Play something stupid on the computer so if I actually fall asleep over it there will be no harm done.

I'm listening to the computer humming and my clock ticking. Someday I will listen to music again.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06