I'm grateful for: fresh hot soup; John shopping with the kids and keeping to the shopping list, and staying under budget; A little bit of stuff backed up and burned to disk.

I am doing a bit better. Wow, that is depressing. That this is better. Ah, well. It's a nasty 'flu, but it can't last forever. Right? Pray for us.

Zechy and John both think they are coming down with it. Again. Of course, John never really got sick, so it's not much of an again for him. I really, really hope not. Not only for their sakes, but also because how will I rest and recuperate with two of the able-bodied down sick? There just aren't enough people in this house to do all the work this family requires. I wonder why that is?

Signs that I am doing better - I got up this afternoon, and supervised Havva making some potato/vegetable soup. I call it that because it's not really a potato soup, but there is just too much potato in it to call it a vegetable soup. Havva wants lots of potatoes. So, okay. Anyway, it went under the heading of helping Havva learn to cook for herself - something she never had the chance to learn, I'm sorry to say. During the years that she would have been hanging around the kitchen learning from watching and doing, I was a vegetable who hardly ever ventured down to the kitchen, and John, well, is not someone you would learn to cook from. Or much of anything, really. You just can't teach if you don't communicate.

So in the last week Havva has been walked through making chili (with John - I his communication skills are better than they were - even if that's not saying much) and the potato/vegetable soup. And she can heat things up in the oven and can make Wacky Mac (boxed macaroni and cheese) on the stove. Which is fairly typical for a college aged girl who's always had her meals prepared for her. She also makes some wicked good brownies. ;-) Serious cooking.

John made falafel tonight, which was yummy. I really couldn't taste it, but my throat is better enough that it wasn't a problem to swallow it. I actually ate fairly normal meals today. They didn't necessarily taste normal though. *Sigh*

Besides walking Havva through the soup making process (it's not that hard - at least I've never thought so - but I have friends who swear they can't make a soup - and I KNOW John can't) I cleaned up a bit in the kitchen which desperately needed it. And I did get some stuff backed up off of the large computer. I have to see how much I can burn to cd's from this computer. I wish, now, it had a dvd burner. I've never wished for one on this computer before.

Anyway it's after 1am, and I got maybe four hours of sleep last night, so I'd like to try and improve on that tonight. Unfortunately Chamudah is making miserable noises in the hall outside my door. I am in no shape to get up and deal with that. And Balta is sleeping at the foot of my bed, so that I can't stretch my legs out. And I'm hacking and coughing enough I wonder how it could be possible to fall asleep. Somehow, I trust that Hashem will make it all work out. Either I will get sleep, or somehow I will be okay tomorrow without it. I'd rather have the sleep, though.

Oh, Jessica phoned tonight. I didn't get to talk to her, I was going through a bad patch with coughing and sneezing and a bad pressure headache. But I guess she talked to Havva a bit. The babies are cute and life seems to be going okay for them. It's not entirely great - she said they finally have enough money to file for bankruptcy - but that's just one of those things. Not a crisis, just life.

I've been imagining things I would like to say to Neil in my head. It's not helpful, but I can't make it stop. Today I wanted to tell him that even though he's behaving better, he hasn't stopped nor will he stop taking me, us, and everything here for granted. And while it's certainly more pleasant to live with him better behaved, I can't continue to let him take advantage like that. It's not fair to him, either. He needs to leave the nest and find out just what it is like in the 'real' world. I don't now how he's managed to stay so cocooned, but somehow he has. At least I won't be participating in protecting him from real world consequences any longer. I guess I just didn't think about it, but that is definitely some of what I have been doing these past fifteen years. I thought I was helping, but that's not help.

I just wanted him to have some of the help I could really have used but never got. I didn't want anyone else to have to go through what I have gone through. Only ... because it's something that would have possibly helped me, doesn't mean it's helpful to someone else. Clearly not helpful to Neil, for whom anything that is done for him is just accepted as his right. It's not just that he's not grateful. He is sublimely unaware. And he has always - Always - found people to sponge off of, and to carry him. Okay, so let him find other people. Enough already.

I really am going to try and sleep now. Please, please let me feel better tomorrow. Better enough to be able to do something. Better enough so I know there is some hope I will eventually get over this horrible disease. Please Hashem.

Okay, enough. Good night.

I'm listening to absolutely nothing.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06