I'm grateful for: a chance to talk at a meeting; Honemooners downloads; Neil being gone, gone, gone.

Well, so much for sleep or recuperating or anything like that. Last night Zechy came into my room, he was unable to sleep and throwing up intermittently. He lay in my bed, and I was kept busy emptying and rinsing the bowl, bringing him a wet washcloth for wiping his face, helping him up and tucking him in.

If that's more graphic than anyone wants to read, well, it was quite a bit more graphic here, I can tell you that. In any event, I can't sleep anywhere but in my bed. I'd like to fix that, get a recliner or something that I can sleep sitting up in, because sometimes even with all my pillows I can't get propped up right. But for the moment, it's my bed or nothing. So last night? Nothing.

I did lay down next to Zechy for a while when he was sleeping quietly, but I need to be propped up. That's all there is, especially with this 'flu making breathing so exciting. Breathing isn't supposed to be exciting.

I wish I could say that even though I was tired, it was a good day. I wish I wasn't the sort of person who, after missing a certain amount of sleep, becomes foul tempered and impatient. Whiny and self-pitying too. Yuck. So I had a miserable day for no reason other than I was just too damn tired not to, I guess. Zechy was still sick all day, and spent most of it in my bed. We listened to the rest of Journey to the Interior of the Earth from Librivox, and pretty much tried not to suffer too much misery on each other, but to keep it to ourselves.

Around 5p.m., Zechy went to lie in the den, and I lay down in my bed. Tried to sleep, and apparently I dozed off for a bit, but nothing like real sleep. Too much 'flu and stuff clogging up my breathing apparatus. And that thing that at a certain point I am so tired that sleeping becomes harder rather than easier to achieve.

I woke up feeling better but more sorry for myself. It was more about that I had wanted the day to go differently and was all pouty that I couldn't have what I wanted than anything. *sigh* I'm not perfect yet, that's for sure.

There were some funny things happened, but for the life of me, I can't remember what they were. Isn't that sad? I'd better keep this short and get some sleep.

After not managing to fall asleep, I decided to give a try to a telephone meeting. It was actually quite wonderful. I had the first opportunity really to just open up and let some of the shit out from everything with Neil. I probably talked too much and too long, but I really needed to - I've been carrying too much of that around for far too long already. And after whining about my day and how it hadn't gone at all how I would have wanted, and getting really in touch with how completely furious I am with Neil, I was actually feeling rather good. Still sick, I mean, and still with a huge sleep debt, but way better.

When I haven't had the 'flu for more than a month, just gotten rid of an ungrateful using sibling, and stayed up all night with a very sick son, well, I have got the most wonderful life. I mean it, really.

Friday we planted a peach tree in honour of Tu b'Shevat. I'd wanted a pomello, but when John got to the flower place (we couldn't find a nursery) all they had was one peach, one plum and one apple. Under the circumstances, the peach was it. Me, I love plums, but peaches are much better suited to the climate here.

I couldn't really do anything to plant the tree besides give advice, but I was able to be outside the whole time, including while John was cutting down greens for a mulch and Havva was watering the whole thing. It was bare root - I've never bought a tree that was bare root before, so I'm just trusting it didn't need any special preparation. If not, well, oops. We found a perfect spot for the tree, too, someplace that won't ruin the front yard, but will provide some shade and privacy to the boys when it is a bit bigger. If that is still the boys' room, of course.

John and I have been talking, again, about buying the place. The biggest thing we need, really, is a lawyer who will work with us. The whole thing makes me terribly nervous, but I really, really want to own our own home and know that I don't ever have to leave here - barring some unforseeable act of Gd, of course.

And also he is looking into finding some angora goats. I really would prefer it if we could find some. Not that I don't like dairy goats, but realistically we are not up to milking any time soon, and the boys are just useless unless you sell them for meat. Whereas with angora goats, we shear them twice a year and both boys and girls are happily useful as lawnmowers besides.

Well, I really do need to get some sleep. It's almost 3am, but I think it's okay. I talked to John about being let to sleep in, and I think he may actually have gotten it. Okay, I'm probably doing the same thing and expecting different results, but it's in Hashem's hands anyway. On a positive note, as long as I was up anyway, I was able to let John sleep in until at least ten, possibly even eleven. The best night's sleep he's had in a while, and desperately needed, too. We watched some Honeymooners together tonight. That was kind of sweet.

Okay, I really, really am going to sleep, or at least will try. Oh, please Hashem let tomorrow be at least half as good as I am fantasizing. I have a rich and wonderful fantasy life, I can tell you that. I'm imagining tomorrow being sunny, warm, me well rested, and nothing happening to upset what should be a very pleasant 'normal' day. The first in a long time.

Oy, one last thing. Havva came up with a terrific plan, she suggested getting the four small tired out of the back and putting them along the walk as planters for my geraniums. It sounds wonderful to me, and if I am at all up to it I'd like to start working on that tomorrow. If it is that wonderful day I fantasize about. Otherwise, well, Gd is in charge. And it all works out, really.

Good night.

I'm listening to Lady Macbeth of Minsk by Shostakovich as performed by Orchestre Et Choeurs de L'Opera Bastille/Chorus Master Gunter Wagner

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06