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Honey is Sweet

Crying - 2007-02-04

I'm grateful for: having had some sleep; feeling better; getting things done.

I don't know why, but I am sitting up tonight crying over what happened to the dogs and people who ran the original Iditarod. Not the sport race, the original run which was to bring some medicine to an isolated community in the throes of an epidemic.

Not that they aren't worth crying over - but why tonight at 1:09am? And it's not like there aren't plenty of other things/people worth crying over if I've got to have a sobfest. I keep thinking of the short-haired dogs of one team - they needed sweaters to survive the run and they went off without the sweaters. I wonder - was the time it would have taken to equip the dogs that critical? Obviously someone then thought it was. And today, who can tell?

It's just so sad - and the people and dogs who did the run are heroic in a way that really gets to me. Maybe in part because there is no way I could ever do anything like that. I mean physically. I am certainly capable of the isolated heroic act - but I haven't the stamina for something that would require you to go on, regardless of consequences, for any length of time. Hell, I can't do something FUN for any length of time.

Has anyone ever mentioned that being disabled is a bitch? I mean, between the inspirational cripple stories and the 'pity-the-poor-helpless-git' stories. I just sucks day after day to not be able to do basic things.

But anyway - not to be too much of a crybaby about it all. Today was a good day. John and I both got some sleep. I woke up and had a couple of hours to myself as well this morning, which I used mostly for reading and answering email. I was rather crusty with a lady I sponsor. I don't know whether to feel bad about it or not, but she was getting into the 'poor me's, and I guess I have enough of them myself today to have no patience with it. Especially since her 'poor me' were all about how hard it is to reach out to people who then disappear, or don't talk to you again. What can I say? Boo-hoo. I mean, that's the story of my fucking life for how long? And so what?

If I reached out to other people solely for their reaction, I'd never have reached out to anyone after the first few times - and I'd probably have ended up killing myself or something equally awful - not to mention having missed all kinds of opportunities to help people and be a part of their lives in a good way.

I reach out to people, when I do, because it is good for me. Because I can sit and wallow in my own shit, or I can get out of myself and take an interest in others. Sitting and wallowing in my own shit - not so much fun. Sometimes I have to do it, but generally the best thing I can do is phone a friend, or find someone who is hurting, and be there for them. The best thing I can do for ME. Sometimes it helps another person. That is gravy. Just gravy. NOT the main course. And I went through literally decades of reaching out to people who would later turn on me, declare me 'evil,' say mean and vicious things about me to others, drive me out of social and/or recovery groups.

I don't know why it had to be like that. It wasn't fun at the time, it's not fun remembering it. But it leaves me with absolutely zero patience for someone who says she can't reach out to others because THEY aren't responding right.

All those many years of people turning on me and so forth - sure, it sucked. But it was all good for me, one way and another. I still don't see why there couldn't have been some other way to learn some of the lessons I got along the way. I feel the same way about being disabled, and about how hard it's been ever since leaving Vermont.

I like to think if I were running things I would come up with a better way. But I know how bad things got when I was trying to run them. Don't want to go there ever again, either.

So anyway, the best part of the day is that I was able to get up and do some stuff. About three loads of laundry, including folding some of it, I washed some dishes, cleaned a bit in the kitchen. Walked around a bit and checked on kids in other rooms.

Zechy is doing better also, but still pretty much laying around. Not throwing up or feeling nauseous, though, which is a relief.

It was very nice to be able to do some things. Not a whole lot, and after doing a bit I'd have to come back to my room and collapse, at one point I was so weak my arms were like cooked spaghetti - I couldn't even type. But it's better! I'm better! Yippee for not being isolated and confined to this room, and for being able to take care of a few things about the house. I'm sure I've mentioned how much I like my house? It's very small, but I'm sure when we've had some time here the effect will be cozy, rather than cramped. It takes so long to settle into a new place, really.

I've been thinking about unlocking my diary. But that would mean either deleting all the entries up until now, or having to start with a new one. I suppose I could go back and lock each individual entry 'til now, and then just go back to using shorthand - FB for Neil, TH for John and so on. I just find being locked to be a bit of a pain. Also, I'm not so worried about being found. Things have changed. A lot. So. I don't know. Perhaps more changes are coming soon - to a diary near you.

BTW, I'm looking for suggestions. I really want something more better for my diary format. I can't afford to pay for anything. And I am completely clueless as to where to even begin to look. ??? Any help would be appreciated.

I thought about going back to my old diary - Ladybugge - but that was a completely other chapter of my life. It wouldn't even feel right. And there is so much still I want to delete from there... Wishing I had more time, energy, stamina for all the things I really want to do to bring some more order to my life. *Sigh*

One other thing I forgot to mention, just in the recording of my day - I backed up as best I could the stuff on the big computer, and John has it now to take in to be fixed. There is a problem with the dvd/cd burner which I guess is fairly common. It's a HUGE pain in the butt, and I can't help worrying about what they will do to my data. And what if they can't get it done in two days? I will be a week without the big computer! Horrors!

And that on top of the dvd and vcr both dying in one day. Thank goodness there are plenty of things to do here, unlike in our old community. How do people manage to live in the suburbs? I'm not saying that to be critical, I really, really don't get it. There is absolutely nothing to do and nowhere to go. For almost two years my kids survived on dvd's, videos, the computers and books. They hardly even left the house, except to walk the dog(s). If we were still in Ginot, and the dvd and vcr died in one day it would be a crisis of such massive proportions it doesn't bear thinking about. If we hadn't immediately gone out to replace at least one if not both of them we would have been remiss - regardless of having no money.

Now, other than poor Zechy who is too sick to do much of anything else (and has a computer in his room that works, so it's not so bad) everyone has plenty to keep themselves occupied. My latest project (which I am not actually doing, only directing) is getting some tires dug out of the back yard, to put along the path in front for some of my geraniums. The grow HUGE here, heavy, woody bushes of giant flowers. I've got them crowded into a low planter, because it's what we had. I suppose people do garden in the suburbs - it's just that we weren't in a situation to do it. And in American suburbs they don't make laws against people climbing the trees. Do they? They did in Ginot. No treehouses.

Simcha has already made a bit of a platform in one of the large olive trees in front of the house.

Okay, I've rambled on enough. It's 1:45, and I'm not crying any more. Oh, oh, having said that I'm reminding myself - I hope I don't go back to that again. It is terribly sad, tragic even, but it's over a long time ago. Plenty of tragedies to cry over, but in the daytime, please?

Hope anyone reading this is having a really great day.

I'm listening to Steve Goodman: Chicken Cordon Bleus

0 bleats so far

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06