| - Profile -+- Notes -+-Archives-+- E-Mail -+-Diaryland-+- Fotolog -+- Latest - |
|
Honey is Sweet Thinking - 2007-02-11 I'm grateful for: a chance to clear my head a bit; online math picture puzzles; a good book (To Say Nothing Of The Dog tonight) I wanted to write so many things, and somehow I have to accept that if it is supposed to be, it will be, and not fret about getting it all down, or not getting it all down. Once of my purposes for keeping a dairy, any diary, is to be a backup memory. It seems silly, perhaps, but there is so much of my life lost to me that I'm afraid of losing any more. I want it recorded so that I can go back and remember. So that I will know where I've been, what I've done, WHO I've been. I'm afraid of losing myself, I suppose. Tonight I'm working on accepting that I just can't record it all. Some of it will be lost. And that's got to be okay... Big epiphany of a sort around Neil tonight. Realizing that I'm not so much angry at him for treating me badly and taking advantage, as I am mad at myself for permitting it. Because I wanted to believe that it wasn't really like that. Not really. Underneath all the shit is a really decent person, and I just have to - what? Wait until he's ready to show himself? It's such bullshit. And I know better. So, I'm pissed. I'm pissed so much at what I have let him take from me that I don't want to allow him to take any more - even the time it takes to write a few sentences in my diary. It's not just that he took from me. He took from my kids. And I let him, hell, I encouraged it. Gd! I feel like such an idiot. I might well be really wallowing in it, except that I am so sure that for whatever reason this is the way it had to be. I'm also sure I'm going to work as hard as I can, whatever it takes, to make sure I'm not ever in this situation again. Yesterday was a really good day. I got a lot done, laundry, we moved a bunch of furniture about and got the paperbacks organized and even alphabetized. It's important when you have thousands of books - if you can't find a book then it's a waste to even have them. So it's not being compulsive. *in a silly, somewhat petulant voice* And we watched heaven can wait on our new dvd player. I like this new machine. A lot. We have plans for a bunch more furniture moving. John doesn't seem to get that there has to be a certain order to it, like one of those puzzles. THIS has to move HERE first, before you can put that THERE. So he's figuring on moving the big bed in here, without giving any thought to what happens to the futon sofa/bed I am sleeping on now, or the furniture that will all have to be shifted around in here to make room for the big bed. I'm trying not to fret about it tonight. Too much fretting already, I think. Some of the kids and I worked on a new jigsaw puzzle. It was way to expensive. John picked it up. He also has no clue as to how to pick a jigsaw puzzle. He spent five times as much on a photoshopped picture of a lion, tiger and leopard as he could have spent on a Renoir. Obviously not a real one, a jigsaw puzzle silly! Well, the kids have been enjoying the cats. That, at least. Havva and I had a brief talk this afternoon. She is really ready - wanting - to move out. I totally support her leaving, especially as she has been kind of pissy to be around for days now. I suggested she put some effort into helping make the cottage habitable - and she can move out there whenever she decides she can live with it the way it is. I mean, one could sleep there now, but it would only be one step above camping out. Hell, if she wants to get out that badly... Hans and I talked too. A day for 'serious,' I guess. He's been exploring some Xtian stuff. I don't know why he wanted to tell me about it - maybe he is trying to provoke me? I dunno. A month ago if asked he would say he didn't even believe in Gd. Now he's saying that he needs to explore other options because Judaism isn't working for him. I told him it's okay and I still love him. And pointed out that at his age this is all perfectly normal. And to try and bear in mind that even if he does end up converting to another religion, he will always be a Jew. Wonder why I say that? Does anyone know that Disraeli converted to Xtianity when he was still in school? Did Hitler stop to ask if someone with one Jewish grandparent had been baptized? No, I didn't think so. Hans is a Jew - at least to those for whom it is an issue - no matter what he does or chooses. So let him bear that in mind, while he tries on other spiritual paths. I want to finish downloading all the Honeymooners so that I can put them all on a disk and watch them on the television with the new dvd player. *sigh* Instead I have to go to Tel Aviv tomorrow, for Havva to have her last day in the navy party, find a pizza place, find an Orange store, and find the time and energy for some laundry, maybe some cooking or cleaning, and cope with a phone call from Jennifer - she who ended up in California after fleeing from the psycho-abusive-deaf boyfriend. I know what's important. Good entertainment. That's important. All that other shit just gets in the way of what is really important. I want it to stop. Jennifer apparently want to talk to me about her older son James. About what, I don't know. Why couldn't she just have said in the email? I have no clue. I'm not coping so well with the telephone lately either. Our new housephone works great, though. Happy, happy, joy, joy. I think if I survive tomorrow I will reward myself by taking a whole day off. If I can. I can't think of anything I would want to buy myself. My bathtub isn't big enough for a long, hot bubble bath. I'll just send the kids off someplace and have the whole house to myself and do absolutely nothing I don't want to. For a while. Somehow. That's the ticket. I have to try and get some sleep, so I can be grumpy and grouchy in Tel Aviv tomorrow. As opposed to homicidal. See? It's all in where you are coming from. I'm listening to my own thoughts for once 0 bleats so far:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::
~~~Last Five Entries~~~ |
