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Honey is Sweet

I'm tired of thinking up stupid titles - 2007-02-12

I'm grateful for: things not being what they used to be; not being completely done in; getting to Havva's going away party at the base

Urg. I'm tired, I need sleep, but I just can't seem to get up from the computer and go to bed. What is that about? Compulsiveness, I guess. Trying to get every last thing done. None of it is urgent, or can't wait until tomorrow. *sigh*

Going to the base with Havva went fine. Well, if I leave out the hour or so spent physically unable to move before I managed to get out of bed and get dressed.

We ordered pizza, which was hugely appreciated. And there was soda and cupcakes, baked by Simcha. Some short speeches were said, all in Hebrew, and we took off. We were gone from the house five hours. Lots of driving, and Havva had to go to a different base to have her military i.d. shredded.

Anyway, I survived. We all did. I burned an original Star Trek episode onto a cd for the kids to watch - happy children. And got Hans' photos onto a cd for him, and loaded some songs for Havva to put on her iPod. So it was a somewhat productive day. Laundry got done.

Havva had an ugly incident happen while she was walking the dog. Nothing bad happened, but some man appears to have been stalking her in his car. Really creepy, telling her it wasn't safe for her to be out alone, and telling her to get into his car. She made it back home safely - scared and very angry because she'd had to cut her walk short because of the creep. She's going to try and talk to the rabbi tomorrow, to see if there is anything that can be done here. He apparently lives somewhere on the moshav. If that doesn't seem to produce any wanted results, then she intends to go to the police. The police are unlikely to be at all helpful, and probably recommend that she not go out walking by herself, rather than to take action against the creep, but at least then something will be on record.

She had Balta, the big dog with her, so I wasn't too worried. Ah - it's too complicated, and very ugly, and not worth talking about any longer.

Other than that I am sitting up rather than getting to bed when I think I would be better off there, it's a fine night. Oh, yes, Jennifer did phone tonight. I told her it was good to talk to her, but the fact is, it wasn't. I mean, it was nice to hear her voice and all, but she phoned wanting to use me for my listening and perhaps some advice. Mostly just to talk. And I'm not up to that. I want conversations where there is some give and take. So it was rather strained for me, but I don't think she noticed. And, as she said, it was good to talk to someone from where we all started. I hope this doesn't become a habit.

Am I a nasty person? I hope not. I just can't have the type of relationships I used to have, where I make myself available to people and they use me. Not without some reciprocity at least. I don't at all mean to imply that they were being somehow bad or wrong. I made myself available. It's what I did. I did it for my own reasons, and it's just I can't do that any more.

I wish I was better at saying 'no.' Neil phoned me today, and I just handed the phone to him. Didn't answer it. I let John say 'no' to him. It works, but sometimes I feel - I don't know - like I *ought* to be able to do it more, better, more easily. It's not that I can't or won't say no. It's that I haven't the energy that it often takes.

I am so tired. I don't mean because I need to sleep, I just am tired. Spiritually tired - emotionally tired - mentally tired. I want to stop. I am stopping - slowly but surely. I want to stop NOW.

Well, at least Neil is out of here. And other than the possibility of Jennifer phoning in the indefinite future, there really isn't anyone else - besides the kids of course. I don't mind doing for them.

I was just reminded of when Hans was a little guy. It was terrifying to say no to him. Sometimes I just had to, and had to do it knowing that I would have to cope with up to forty-five minutes of rigid, screaming hysterics. I often didn't have the strength to cope with it, but what choice did I have? I couldn't let this little guy run amok, and there was no way around the hysterics. He had no other way to cope with being told no.

It really wasn't fair to the other kids, but there it was. Hans needed more than any one person could give him, or any two people. And there was just me, and I had other children to care for as well.

I suppose if I ever start thinking it's too hard now, or whatever, I have the memory of those times to remind me that it's just not that bad. I didn't even have the internet for friendships or support, you know? Just me and the kids needing me and Hans needing more - more attention, more time, more patience, more strength, more everything.

And John coming home from work to be an abusive asshole and make things even worse.

Whew! I have truly tired myself out wandering down that bit of memory lane. Just remembering how awful it was is exhausting.

I'm going to try and get to bed then. Good night.

I'm listening to Alan Mills: Shenandoah

0 bleats so far

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06