I've been actually working on my old diary. Deleted a bunch of stuff, edited some others - not for content or readability - just to better disguise identities. I don't even know why. I don't know why I do that, I don't know why I write here. I guess I'm feeling like if the only point of all of this is that I get some sort of personal growth out of it then what is the point?

I don't know where that comes from. Feeling lonely, a bit. And wanting to feel like something I do, something that I have invested effort and time in that has actually produced something concrete (if an online diary can be called 'concrete') is actually worth something to someone. Someone else. I don't count.

It does seem as if my role in life has been pretty much set as cheerleader and supporter of others' accomplishments. Not that I mind, I just wish I could have some accomplishments of my own.

What is there left? I don't know. Havva took another driving lesson today. Apparently the driving teacher believes Havva is basically ready to take the test. But it will be weeks before she can test anyway, because there is all sorts of paperwork that has to grind through the system. Once she has her license, I think Havva will be much happier. I hope.

John worked in the small house, got a window hung in Havva's room. I didn't see it, but that's what he told me. That means all the windows in Havva's room are done.

Zechy went to work, and Hans watched the younger children. I slept in a bit.

It took a couple of hours of preparation, but all of us except Havva ended up going shopping at a mall in Be'er Sheva. I particularly wanted Zechy to go because there were jeans on sale for a terrific price that looked good, and I wanted him to try them on. Zechy didn't end up finding anything that suited him, but John got three pairs of jeans, and Simcha got two shirts and a pair of shoes.

Hans bought four dvds at a shop upstairs at the mall. I wanted to say something about saving his money for when he is in the U.S., but managed to button my lip. I don't know if it would have been a good thing to say or not. Which means better unsaid. He's such a typical guy - not terribly practical and with no sense of money, how far it will go and what you need vs. what you want.

I can't fix any of that by nagging at him over four dvd's, which aren't going to break him. *sigh*

We ended up doing some food shopping there. More expensive than many other places we could have gone, but John was fretting about getting home to work, and it was the quickest. We had a picnic of chicken and a loaf of bread and breadsticks in the car. That was kind of fun, although there wasn't enough chicken to satisfy anyone completely.

Home again I was very happy that I was able to do some work on the diary, and I also worked on the tehillim (psalms) for the first time in I don't know how long. I probably should have done more of that, less of the diary. I've been too lonely for too long. And psalms, even if they don't help with that, do nothing to make me feel worse.

That's pretty much my day. Zechy read some P.G. Wodehouse aloud to Simcha and I. John worked. I forgot about a meeting I could have attended if I'd remembered and been mentally alive. Oh, well.

It is good to have done something more and different (psalms). I could wish ... forget it. What I wish and what I want clearly could not be less important in this world.

I'm glad I'm generally able to not worry about it.

I'm listening to After Forever: Follow in the Cry

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06