I'm grateful for: another child successfully launched (I hope); my dogs and cats; expecting an easy weekend.

I spent a few hours with Hans, helping him to sort through every last bit of his stuff, what to take, what to leave behind, of the things left behind which did he want saved, which he didn't care about.

I didn't really get anything else done. A couple of loads of laundry got in the washing machine. I didn't eat regular meals, and I had to lie down and rest for the afternoon because the pain was that bad.

Tonight the whole family climbed into the car, and drove to the airport. We arrived a 8pm, his ticked had said to arrive four hours before his departure a bit after midnight. We got there and they were all telling us we were too early and... Well, anyway we left the airport at 10pm, as Hans went through the security gate and to the gates.

He better call when he arrives is all I can say.

I haven't been crying. I don't know what is different from when Havva went away. It's not that I'm not sad or that I don't feel the loss. I think honestly it may be that Hans has been such a difficult child and a difficult teen. No fault of his, the Asperger's syndrome and of course not even having a name for how he was when he was little. So there is a guarded sense of relief which I think is making me feel rather more numb than like crying.

Gd, I hope he is okay. Hashem watch over him and hold him in your hand. Please.

Tomorrow is supposed to be a normal day, but I don't want it to be. I want some time to adjust, to swallow this huge change in my life and living circumstances. To find out which spaces Hans used to fill are empty now, and which already have bits waiting to fill them up.

When Neil left, every last space was more than ready to be filled, there was no loss or sense of emptiness. Havva takes up a lot of space, so it makes sense that when she left I was aware of huge chunks of emptiness that she had used to fill. I will probably feel the same way when she moves out of here, but at least it won't be the first time, and she won't be leaving across an ocean.

I hope all my children don't feel the need to go to the other side of an ocean. It's awfully hard on me. *crooked smile*

Anyway, I'm going to try to sleep. Try to wake up tomorrow and cope with laundry and shopping and the younger children and dealing with all of Hans' stuff that is here. Maybe I'll wake up early, but stay in bed for hours, hiding out, trying to figure it out. But probably not. The waking up early seems kind of unlikely.

I'm listening to the washer and dryer running.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06