I'm grateful for: crying over Hans leaving; the extra space, time and energy Hans' leaving provides; that he is safe and being driven to NJ by Diana as I am typing this.

Saturday night/Sunday morning. I woke up around eleven maybe. I forget. John brought me breakfast around noon I guess. While I was eating all of the kids and dog headed out to the basketball court, and I felt quite suddenly and quite unexpectedly that I could throw on some clothes and join them.

So I did. John had to help me of course, but we made it out the door and up to the top of the driveway where I sat in the wheelchair and he started pushing me towards the basketball court.

We ran into the whole crowd heading back home, and I waved at them and yelled to go back! It would have been so unfair if I had finally made it out the door and missed it. I have not yet (before today) been able to go with them and see the dogs frolicking freely. They did all turn around, although everyone of them including the dogs were feeling hot and tired and thirsty. Why they were heading home.

We all went to the basketball court, John got me inside, and then he went back home to get some water and a bowl for the dogs. But they really were just too tired and hot and thirsty I guess. It was well over 70F and there's not much shade there.

While we were there one of Batzion's kids, Moshe, came up. His brother Avi was (is?) sick with food poisoning from the gan (like kindergarten I guess) he goes to (many kids got sick). So he came to be with Simcha. He joined us in the basketball court, and the dogs mostly just lay around with their tongues hanging out.

Long before John got back with the water we were all ready to go back home, which we did, meeting John on the way. One fun thing about this - I can sit in the wheelchair and hold the dog's leads, and they pull me along quite nicely. I still need someone behind to steer and keep the dogs from running away with me, but it really is a fun thing.

And I have now been to the basketball court. Gd send next time I can go with them straight off and see the dogs when they cut loose.

Back home, I came to my room and we read books aloud to each other and Zechy brought in a jigsaw puzzle. Elephants this time, and only 500 pieces, which was just right since we were starting late on shabbos. We did finish the puzzle after which I had to lay down and rest for a bit.

John did kiddush with the kids, and I ate some lunch while working on the puzzle. A quiet and also a tiring day. We did feel Hans being gone, but more as a lack of stress and crowding. Having one less person in this house really does make a difference.

I spent a fair amount of time yesterday and today crying. Missing Hans, but more just - I don't know how to say it. He's my Asperger's child. He's taken so much of my time and energy and strength and attention over the years that there is a part of me that is wondering 'what am I going to do now?' Of course, it's not like there isn't plenty for me to fill up any extra time or energy I might have. But that's been such a huge part of my daily life I feel a little bit bereft just because I don't have to do it anymore.

And relief.

I really love my son, and I loved talking to him on the phone briefly today, and I do miss him, but I pray that I never have to live with him again. Which feels hateful, 'cause he'll never be that little guy who demanded and needed so much more from me than I could ever give him.

In any event, he seems to be very happy where he is, and I am happy being here and having the extra space in the house and in my day. And I do still miss him. He gave the best hugs - and told me I was beautiful fairly frequently. No one else is going to do that for me now.

Hans phoned just seconds after shabbos ended. Impressive timing, that. I had actually gotten up and joined the family for havdalah, something I haven't done since we moved in here. I didn't feel up to talking on the phone, but once I was talking to him I didn't want to get off. I had to, though.

I attended a meeting tonight in which I talked about Hans, and his being gone, and some little bit of what it was like with him growing up, and cried over his being gone. And also about people who try to limit Gd. It was a good meeting.

Stories were read aloud, some Andalite Chronicles, some Thud!, some of a new P.G. Wodehouse book that Zechy picked up. I read the book A Long Way Down, which was very good, but not exactly cheery.

Then John and I watched a Honeymooners episode, and I am here trying to get some sleep. I know it doesn't look like it, but I am. Sometimes trying to sleep looks like a lot of things - reading a book, typing on the computer, doing a puzzle. I like it better when trying to sleep looks like lying in bed with my eyes closed and dozing off, but that wasn't for tonight. At least not yet. *Sigh*

I'm listening to The Jacksons (remember them?): Show You The Way To Go

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06