I'm grateful for: many good books; better critter care and dental care; having almost enough money.

Shabbos. I slept as late as I could (about 11:30). Still didn't get enough sleep. I finished the Doomsday Book by Connie Willis. Excellent book, and much better reading the second time. That surprized me. I was actually sorry when it was over.

We're in the middle of reading aloud quite a number of books. A Jeeves by P.G. Wodehouse, Thud! by Terry Pratchett, Pigs is Pigs and other favourites by Butler, Along Came a Dog (can't remember the author), and one other I can't even remember the title of. It is delightful to sit here all day and trade off stories reading aloud. I feel so lucky that we can and do do it. Havva doesn't care to be around while anyone else is reading aloud, although she will read to the rest of us happily. That's not so happy for me, but there it is...

I miss Hans a lot today.

We got Willow spayed in record time And as sorry as I am about it, I am also glad and relieved. She is doing quite well, although she cries whenever she is left alone. The kids took turns letting her lie on them while they petted her today. Tomorrow she'll be officially allowed out. I can't wait. It's a huge investment of time and effort keeping her locked in to a single room in a house with no closets. None of our rooms aren't used, so the doors are constantly being opened and closed. Thank goodness none of the dogs have been too curious about it.

She is still quite a young kitten.

Balta seems to be doing better. At least she hasn't been scratching herself bloody. We've seen improvements before so I'm a little worried to trust it, but, we'll see.

I got my x-rays yesterday, and then we foolishly made appointments for me to have a cleaning and two cavities filled, and for all the rest of the family to have cleanings. Foolishly because we *really* can't afford it. It's one of those 'trust Gd, spend money' situations. Since I can't in good conscience put it off I have to trust that somehow Hashem will provide. He always has so far...

I had Neil on the brain a lot, I don't know why. I'm full of things I want to say to him or, I don't know. It's not really important. I have lots of family members I don't talk to and have no contact with. He is just one more. It hurts a bit because I wanted to think he would be different. I twisted myself into a pretzel to try to keep believing that he would be different. I guess that's not so different. It's just been a very long time since I was twisting myself in a pretzel to try and 'fix' the relationship with my mother, my uncle Warren, Chuck, Phillip, and various other now extremely distant family members.

John and I had two ugly scenes. Yesterday in the morning, when he was being particularly dick-headed, and tonight when he came in to 'set the record straight.' Apparently one of the times in the FIRST ugly scene that I called him a liar I was wrong. He said it was very important that he tell me that. For me, that made an ugly scene.

There were no raised voices, no harsh words, no arguing, no condemnation. I am very proud of myself. I didn't ask him why the one time I called him a liar and was wrong was so terribly important, and all the times I called him a liar and was right isn't important at all? I didn't ask him what business he had butting in to a situation that had nothing to do with him (which is what he had done in the FIRST scene - I asked a rhetorical question, and he felt the need to say 'it wasn't me!' Just like any small child you'd care to name...).

So, okay, this time I called him a liar and I was wrong. But the fact that I feel fully justified calling him a liar, often, and have otherwise been right, that's not worth thinking about? Not worth mentioning, certainly. To him, apparently. But, I bit my lip. I didn't say any of that. He didn't ask me what I was thinking, or ask for an apology or acknowledgment, which is a good thing, for I doubt my self-control could have withstood that.

What can you say/do about a man who lies all the time, doesn't have a problem with lying all the time, doesn't have a problem with being called a liar all the time, but thinks it terribly important to let me know the one time he wasn't lying? Like it makes any kind of a difference? Apparently it does to him. What does he want? A frigging medal for telling the truth once? One time when his input ("It wasn't me!") wasn't called for anyway?

*sigh*

Because of the time change in the States the meetings was all screwed up and I was only able to join it after it had been going on for half-an-hour. It was a good meeting. I was crying, couldn't stop, didn't know why. I was just feeling lonely, I guess, in that 'I want a parent to love me and hold me and tell me everything will be okay' kind of way. Not that I want or need a parent - but I never had one who did that, don't you know. And I have no one in my life to do it today. And, well, it just sucks. You know?

The best part of the meeting was listening to another woman talk about standing up for herself and not allowing herself to be silenced. During the FIRST scene mentioned above one of the things I said to John is that he can no longer shut me up. He can (and does) try, but he can't do it. I will not be silenced. So hearing someone else talking about a similar thing, well, it felt good.

I don't think there is much else to say. I am kind of desperate for John to get on a schedule in which he actually goes in to work. He is supposed to be going in at least three days a week, but hasn't yet. I cannot live in this (or any) house with him, and certainly not if he is never ever going to leave it. I'm about at the end of my tether with him, really. I don't know what happens next, or where things go from here, but I doubt they can continue as they have for much longer. And I can't leave here. I have literally no where to go, and no way to support myself, leave along my children. Hashem is going to have to come up with something... Or give me a heck of a lot more strength than he has so far. I just can't do this any more. I keep saying that and I keep doing it. When does it stop? What does it take? And how do I get there?

Last night I was talking about needing patience for the changes that take time, but I think rather I need something to change sooner rather than later. We've been married for twenty-five years on March 25th. How on earth is it possible I have lived with this for so long?

I'm listening to Joan Baez: Farewell Angelina

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06