I'm grateful for: feeding the birds; soup made; finding happiness on an awful pain day.

We've had one of those periodic things that happen - in our household anyway - where you think you are going along fine, and then suddenly not only is there no money, but you are 2000 shekel further in the red and no idea how it happened.

I'm actually quite careful with money, and keep track pretty closely of what we spend and when, how much goes for this or that and so on. It completely baffles me therefore that this sort of thing happens. Rather regularly in fact. Two or three times a year on average.

When we had the farm, I could count on suddenly being broke in June and October. We didn't have any especially large bills or anything to blame it on. I didn't notice any surges in our spending. But - suddenly the money was gone. I swear.

I went through a period of tracking literally ever cent we spent. I kept receipts for bloody pretzel rods picked up at Tebo's, the convenience store in town. I wrote it all out, totalled it up at the end of each month, compared it to how much money we had. Counting everything, including the change in our pockets. More often than not the money balanced right about even. Within a dollar or two that is to say, which is pretty darn good in a large family with money leaking out in all directions and needing to track all of it.

It never explained where the money went in those months, though. It wasn't a gradual thing, like we'd be slightly overspending each month and it would suddenly look like a large number. Usually in those days we had a surplus of income, which meant that for months at the end of each month there was still money in the bank, until one of *those* months came alone, and somehow it was all gone.

I don't understand it, I can't explain it, but it is something I recognize as recurring - so this is one of those months. And it's really painful. Not because we don't have the money to cover this-n-that, but because the money that we have to cover this-n-that was supposed to be Zechy's airfare back to the U.S. for when he wants to take his G.E.D., hopefully this summer.

It doesn't mean we can't come up with the money for him in the summer. These things have a way of working themselves out when necessary. It does mean that I get to worry and stress about it, which I would really rather not.

I try not to worry and stress. I know that Hashem is in charge, and I have seen, over and over, that it all works itself out somehow. It always has so far. But I am only human, and I will worry and stress despite all my efforts not to. Prayer and trust will only take me so far. At least at this stage of my life.

Not at all related to the money vanishing, John was able to pick up almost everything we need to finish the ceiling for Havva's room in the cottage. The only thing missing is some plastic to staple or otherwise fasten on top of the drywall. It's not urgent - it's looking unlikely that we will have a real rain again this year which means probably seven months before there is any worry about the drywall possibly getting sprinkled. But I like to have these things done. Otherwise John will wait until *after* the first rain which will finally motivate him to protect the drywall - sometimes that's too late. *sigh*

It's not related to the money thing because not only was it budgeted for, but it came in under the expected cost. Yeaaa! How often does that happen? Of course our neighbour Meier said we got the wrong kind of drywall, and he knows where we could have gotten the thinner boards cheaper. That's the way it goes.

Havva is thinking of going back to the U.S. after she gets her drivers' license here. Finally! The driving instructor was able to schedule the test for the day after Pesach. Awkward in one way, but otherwise terrific. Of course there is no reason she should not pass but we will worry and pray until she finally has the plastic in her hands.

Then, if the library hasn't called and asked her to start work immediately (and possibly even if they have) she wants to go back to the U.S., visit people, possibly get a summer job, and generally be footloose and free from 'real life' for a while. A needed break after the navy.

I may ask her if she minds including Zechy with her, and that way he can go back and do the G.E.D. with someone, rather than possibly having to go alone. He wouldn't be all alone of course, Diana would be there for him, and Nick and Miriam and Mark and Jessica and possibly Bobby's family (his best friend) and JW (my fil) and possibly Hans if he's not in basic and ... but - no parents. I'd rather he could be with Havva if at all possible. Then he could be sure of getting to visit Jessica and the babies as well.

So today was a horribly bad pain day. I mean really horrible. I shouldn't have gone shopping yesterday is the best I can come up with, that might be the cause. I managed to do quite a lot considering.

I don't know if I wrote that Simcha had bought a bunny at the shuk. It died. She was heartbroken. It wouldn't have been nearly as big a deal if she hadn't wanted a bunny so badly for so long. She cried, El'yah cried, after John took them all outside to bury the little bunny I cried.

I can't remember a lot of the day because I just hurt so much. But I remember the good parts.

I managed to make soup with Simcha's help. She started out chopping the potatoes. I chopped carrots (and managed to do two of them). She did the other carrot and peppers, shallots, while I chopped stringbeans, and some strange bean pods. Strange to me, we bought them at the shuk in Netivot, they were mixed in with the string beans. The beans where a shiny, almost metallic looking purple shading into blue or white. Beautiful and strange.

We both put in spices. I directed, but she put in most of them. Unfortunately I was the one putting in the sweet paprika. Oy! Of course I blew it and a huge pile of the stuff went in. Fortunately it didn't ruin the soup, but it was a bad moment.

I went outside to feed the chickens. I doubt it is possible to write how much I have missed that and how good it is for me. Meier, the neighbour across the street, had dropped off all of his chametz (leaven) from cleaning for Pesach. So *lots* of bread of all sorts, and shallots and the extra beans, both sorts, and some rotten apples and cookies we had leftover from Purim. I said to Zechy that this is perfect. I make the chickens happy by feeding them, and they make me happy by eating. It is the perfect symbiotic relationship. ;-)

I could have sat there for hours. Perhaps I did. It was just wonderful.

When I came back into the house it was too good to be up and doing things, even though I hurt, so I cleared some stuff off a couple of shelves in the kitchen. And then brought some of what I'd cleared out to the chickens for some more soul food.

When I finally came back into the house to stay, I couldn't stand or walk myself. I got to the bathroom and hosed off a bit, dealt with such hygiene issues as I could, and collapsed in my room. I had tears in my eyes from the pain. I just can't describe how awful it was.

Fortunately it eased up a bit before time for supper and our regular Friday night family time. We watched three Dr. Who episodes and ate pizza and popcorn and had chocolate treats and soda (none of which seems to have either hurt or helped any of the pain).

After the movie we came back in here and John started to finish reading Old Yeller aloud, but he was overcome with tears and had to stop. He handed it to me and I was choking up but did manage to finish the book. The older kids laughed at us grown-ups crying at the story. Not that they weren't affected, but you know, parents aren't supposed to do that.

Zechy is taking nose-drops for having a blocked eustachion (sp?) tube. Major yuck. And Eliyahu's ringworm still isn't gone. I am worrying about that. Havva is still sick. I seem to not be so sick, thank goodness. John is actually a little bit sick. I shouldn't be glad but he NEVER gets sick. It's good for him to get to appreciate what it is like for the rest of us.

I started a Barbie doll dress (knitting), but the pattern is all messed up as I discovered two-thirds of the way finished. I haven't had the brains or energy to try and work out how to finish it properly, so now it sits cluttering up my space further with another thing to get to/deal wlth. *sigh* I started knitting Barbie clothes because I needed a project I could finish and feel a sense of accomplishment. I am surrounded by unfinished everything. But, Hashem has the last laugh on that one, I guess.

Zechy has started reading Guards, Guards! by Terry Pratchett aloud to us. He and John argued for a bit about which one of them would get to read it. I suggested they could take turns, but no. Testosterone won't allow it. *sigh* If they'd both read it then those of us listening would get twice as much in a sitting. Don't think of that, do they?

I guess that is more than enough. I haven't felt up to or able to write much - not here or in emails or regular mail, notes, whatever. This is good.

I have managed to do a couple of tehillim (psalms). That's good, at least.

I'm listening to myself.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06