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Honey is Sweet

I haven't much to say, but I type on anyway. - 2007-04-15

I'm grateful for: a day to go on a fun outing; knowing Hans arrived safely in Missouri; oiling the chickens worked!

I haven't much to say about yesterday. How's that for a nice change. I woke up too early (less than eight hours sleep) and sat up for a few hours before I was able to fall back asleep for another few hours. Strange dreams.

As it was shabbos I didn't do much. Read aloud a bit, friends of Eliyahu's came over to play.

A neighbour came over and visited for a while just before the end of shabbos. She was very sweet, and it was wonderful having someone stop by and let us know we are a part of everything here. It's like being adopted by a village. It's hard to explain, because I can't imagine anyone else I know having been in such a situation. I just suddenly have a huge extended family that, while everyone is busy with their own lives, really care what happens to us and will always help if they can when asked. I have this horrid fear that I will somehow screw it up. I seem to have been so good at saying and doing the wrong thing in my life in social situations.

Here, I don't think that would lose me my 'extended family,' but might lose some or a lot of the friendliness I am really coming to count on.

It's hard knowing that I still don't know how to socialize. I don't know the rules. It's bullshit to say I should just be myself - being myself is being someone who grew up as property, existing to serve the needs of the person who owned me. Not a great way to relate to people as friends/neighbours/&tc. I've learned a lot. I'm better at things like not waiting to find out what (whomever) talking to me wants and then moulding myself to fit the need. I've learned to start conversations instead of waiting to be talked to, and not to automatically defer. I've learned to express my opinions with a bit of a laugh, not too strongly, but not apologizing for them either. What I haven't learned, and may not be learn-able, is to feel like I belong among these people and am entitled to be whoever/whatever it is that I am.

I don't like being around people who don't know my background because then it feels like there's this big secret looming over me. But then, it's not something I can just drop into casual conversation. I don't know why not, other people casually talk about where they came from and what their people were like. I'm still working on that one. I doubt there is a one-size-fits-all answer, but I'm trying for at least some general guidelines.

Anyway - I did get out to feed the chickens. The rooster's legs are looking much better already. We will oil him up again later today, but if it works as well as the first treatment maybe we won't have to do it any more? Probably one more at least just to be safe. It's exciting when something works that well and so quickly. Feels good.

I talked with my sister on the phone for a very long time last night. She had visited with Lloyd, my mother's ex-husband, presumably Diana's father and possibly mine, although at the moment I am assuming not.

It was very hard hearing about Diana's talking with Lloyd, but it's all old stuff. It's not about whether or not Lloyd is my father, or any of that shit. It's that he holds me in contempt. As does my mother, uncles, aunts, cousins, extended family. Not all of them, surely, just those I have met. I'm not unique, they all undoubtedly hold my mother in contempt, and Diana says they do her, also. I seem to be the only one to refuse to be around people who treat me that way. Don't know which of us is right. It doesn't matter much, really. It hurts either way. I prefer to just avoid my real extended family, much easier not to think about them and to work on being a good neighbour and member of my new 'extended family.' Especially since I want to live here for the rest of my life.

So I said I hadn't much to say and here I've gone on and on again. I need to stop, get dressed and we are heading out to the national park in Ashkelon finally to check it out and see if it has a beach. It's a sunny day but not too warm, so no going into the sea if there is. Maybe wading. Who knows? But I want to get going. Trying to put more fun in my life. Be well, all, and Gd bless.

I'm listening to Lauryn Hill: Superstar

0 bleats so far

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~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
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