I'm grateful for: the phone holding out; a slight break in the heat; Indoor plumbing, particularly flush toilets.

I don't quite know what to write (so what else is new?) I realize I have been so off-balance, mentally, for long enough now that I don't remember how/when it started. Could be since we made aliyah even.

Having realized this, I am trying to figure out how to get back in balance. Thinking about it I feel like crying a little. I've put too many pieces of myself 'out there,' and I'm not sure how or why or when it happened or how to get them back.

This business with Jessica seems to have brought it to a head. I know I should write more about that, at least answer some questions, but not tonight. I need to find my centre again first.

It feels like too much of myself is on the other side of the Atlantic, and if I can't find a way to bring myself back I'll end up falling in. Maybe I'm looking outside of myself for too many things?

I wonder, am I not sleeping because I'm off balance, or am I off balance because I'm not sleeping?

It's so hard to tell once one has become fucked in the head, what came first.

I spent two or three hours on the phone, with Jessica, Havva, Diana, Zechy, Arye and Megret. That's quite a line-up. I was pretty dead at the end of the first four phone calls. A couple of hours later Havva called back and I was on the phone for another few hours.

I needed the last one, to Megret. Even if she's off her nut and can't listen/hear a word I say, I still get to spew a little bit, relieve some of the pressure, make contact with someone who actually knows some of the insides of me.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to have a new credit card delivered by messenger - don't ask me why - and starting next month I will be using it for all of my food purchases. It's a way to try and get a handle on the food budget, at least I'll know where it's going.

I'm feeling lonely and tired - I hope the tired is a good sign, of being able to get some sleep. I didn't sleep a whole lot last night, maybe six and a half hours, but it was good sleep. Unfortunately my guts are acting up, so instead of sleeping I may spend too much of tonight in the (stifling) bathroom.

I would like to know why it can't ever be easy.

I'm listening to Chance: I Came To Drink.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06