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Honey is Sweet One night's sleep - 2007-06-30 I'm grateful for: fans and a mazgan (air conditioner); one night's sleep, shall we try for two?; reading aloud. Trying to write a letter to Hans and I can't. How do I even begin to describe the past week? I can't talk about my feelings - other than to tell him I'm glad he was well out of it. I don't want the letter to just be about how worried I am that we haven't heard from him (I'm sure he's okay, but it has been quite some time, and I'm an ima. I worry.). So what do I write? About the only thing I can think of is to tell him about how the goats went missing today. It kept John from getting to shul (for mincha - one of the thrice daily prayer times), and caused Simcha quite a bit of worry. No worry for me, I am too tired and over-drawn to be anything but numb. Fortunately a neighbour saw the goats and got them herded back to us while it was still daylight. A truly beautiful thing, and I'm glad I didn't waste getting upset about them going missing. Not that any of that is my doing. I'm just completely out of everything. I feel like crying, but that really is just being so tired and worn, and bleeding heavily again. For a minor blessing, the diarrhea has stopped for the moment. I feel that I don't dare trust it, though. Heck, I KNOW I can't trust it. It's amazing this body of mine keeps limping along one day after another is all I can say. *** So I wrote a letter to Hans. And ended up crying in the middle of it. At least he'll never know. I had a very long talk with my sister tonight. It was good, informational, maybe even healing. She told me about Jessica lighting into her for making a less-than-totally-complimentary comment about Valerie, we talked about my needing emotional support and even just the occasional pat on the back (I get them here, but I want them in real life, too). We talked about Hashem's will and making judgments and all sorts of good stuff. And, veering off a bit, but on the subject of judgments ... it's been asked, by many people, how can someone do what Valerie has done to Jessica? And the best answer I have is that Valerie is One Sick Puppy. Yup, I think that's pretty inarguable. It is possible to be sick without being so - venomous about it. For Valerie (I psycho-analyze her in absentia) it's all about control. Jessica moved out, moved on, and was living and doing all sorts of things that Valerie couldn't/wouldn't tolerate. She wasn't being called upon to tolerate them, actually, it was none of her business, but she doesn't see it that way. This is Valerie's way of remaining in control. As long as the kids are at her house, she has control not only over them, but over Jessica. Especially since (if she was the type to cackle, she'd be cackling with glee over this) as long as the kids are at her house she can demand that Jessica come over and take care of them there because of her 'bad back.' Said bad back that hasn't been mentioned before and doesn't keep her from maintaining her house in an antiseptic cleanliness that would be the envy of most hospitals. And she hasn't got a cleaning woman, either. It's so beautiful it ought to be in a museum. She makes one call to DYFS which causes the kids to be taken out of Jessica's home (along with the still apparently coincidental spiral fracture - waiting for more word on that), volunteers to take them, and gets complete control of how the kids are taken care of, along with having Jessica dancing to her every whim - with the added bonus of getting to plants all kinds of poisonous barbs into Ben and Chris (father of the kids). If she was conscious of the manipulation it would be pure, unadulterated evil. But for the moment we assume that she is truly One Sick Puppy. Oh, regarding the (still apparently coincidental) part - I believe that I will hear at some point that Valerie called DYFS *AFTER* hearing about the fracture - judging the time to be perfect, as it was. That is what I believe. I may never know for sure, but I am awfully suspicious of coincidences, at least the sort that are so much easier to accept if manufactured. I don't want to talk about sick people any more. I mean, besides myself of course. Whatever kind of sick I am I do try and put my kids welfare ahead of any other considerations. Whether I succeed or not Hashem only knows, but I really and honestly try. One of the things I've been getting a better handle on this week is when my health has to come ahead of just about everything else including the kids wants and even some needs. It is very hard for me to do. I HATE being the sick one around whom the rest of the family must willy-nilly revolve. It's not like I have a choice, but no one ever said I have to like it. The kids want more - more trips to the beach, to visit friends, they want to talk to me more and tell me all the things that cause me stress and make my life harder. They want to give me their problems and me have the strength and assurance and the right words to make it all better - or at least more able to be lived with. They want me to play games with them and listen to their stories and, well, right now all I really want is to get some more sleep. And cooler temperatures. I can't give them what they want, I can't even give them a small fraction of what they want, and tomorrow I'm going to be letter Simcha down in a big way when we don't go to a shearing festival in Ma'ale Levona and she doesn't get to see one of her best friends that she hasn't seen in close to a year. I can't even think about it right now. If Hashem gives you kids, he shouldn't make you crippled is all. I really need that sleep. I'm listening to Roger Norrington conducting the overture of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (1756-1791) 0 bleats so far:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::
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