I'm grateful for: being able to keep up with the laundry with Hashem's and John's help; making some tiny progress in my room; a silly book to read (You Suck by Christopher Moore).

I don't want to write, I don't feel as if I have the energy to write, but I want to write. I've now had three nights of at least eight hours sleep, which is showing me how behind I was, as I continue to feel the sleep-debt carrying over day after day.

I don't have the energy to deal with the kids problems or worry about them. I don't know if it makes me a bad mother, but I do know that if I don't take care of myself I won't be able to be a mother at all.

So Havva and I talked, and I told her about what was going on here, John changed her departure date (so she could stay and help Jessica a little longer), told her what we knew about Hans. But I tried to stay detached, and think I succeeded mostly. John talked to JW, his father, and got some more information about Hans. I can't begin to talk about it. I really haven't got the strength to start worrying about Hans again. Talked with Zechy and same thing. Oh, and my sister phoned hysterical today. I could reassure her on a financial question but otherwise stayed out of the conversation.

Simcha talked about wanting to go to a pool, and all I could say is that in her next life she should choose non-disabled parents. I can't get involved in feeling guilty that I can't take her, and I really can't do anything about taking her...

What does that leave? I am working on not feeling sorry for myself, or worse, hating myself. I did not create this situation, and I haven't ignored anything that I *could* have done and made it worse (at least that I am aware of). I'm trying to do the next right thing, which has resulted in financial stuff getting taken care of, my cd's being sorted and organized, giving a bit more room in my room, laundry getting washed ...

Not a lot, but it's what I could do on top of getting to the bathroom at least once an hour, and all the attached self-care that requires. And reading emails and responding to one or two, reading my friend's letter and starting an answer (but just saving it to the desktop for now). I also burned at least six cd's and dvd's, maybe more, for the kids and John. If it was just me, I wouldn't bother with any of that stuff. Before having kids, I never even had a television in the house.

I want to go back to the cabin, sitting around the oil lamps all of us listening to one of us reading a book aloud. We can't ever go back there, though. The kids are older, life has changed. Maybe someday some of us will go back, temporarily or to live, but for today here I am and here I stay.

It's not such a bad thing, but oh how I miss what I had.

I need to get to sleep, perchance to lessen the sleep debt another increment. And I have a dr.s appointment tomorrow. I hope the effort of going doesn't cancel out any benefit I might get.

Oh yeah, and while we're at it, I want the temperature to go down. :-)

I'm listening to the fan in my room, which is loud enough to drown out most other incidental noises.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06