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Honey is Sweet

Slopy morning - 2007-08-08

I'm grateful for: no blood on my sheets (I'm bleeding like the Nile in flood); finding the zyrtec equivalent in Israel; all my earrings.

It's morning and I am supposed to be out the door in 25 minutes. I still feel like crap (between my ears). I know more sleep would help.

I really hate it when I can't seem to shake the funk between my ears. Better when the body is crapped out, really. Although now I have both, it's not necessarily an either/or situation.

For the most part my life is peaceful, but I am not peaceful. I fret about things I could/should be doing, or things I might do differently. I feel inadequate and lonely. Lately I've been reading my d'land friends, thinking of thing I'd like to say to them, and then not leaving a note or comment because no one wants to hear from me anyway. And certainly don't miss me if I don't. It's better than saying something and feeling stupid and/or ignored afterward. And so on.

I'm working very hard on acceptance. That my life is good enough as it is, and that I am good enough. It is harder with the continual bombardment of messages that one 'ought' to be constantly striving.

Okay, maybe I can get behind that, but striving for what? If I have a home, clothes, food, computer, electricity, as much health as Hashem allows, good kids, and a reasonable expectation of having the same things tomorrow, then what am I striving for?

Me, if I'm going to work that hard, I want to be working on being a better person inside. I'm trying to eliminate (or at least reduce) all the judging that goes on constantly between my ears - this is bad, that isn't good enough, no matter who it is or what is happening (including myself) it should/ought to be better, faster, stronger, smarter ...

Comes from growing up in a country where we are constantly bombarded with the illusion of progress. I say illusion because while society as a whole may make some progress technologically, and individuals can make spiritual progress (and of course financial and educational or career progress), generally people really do just do the same things over and over again.

It's really not a bad thing. But who can read that sentence without some sort of a twinge?

Women still complain about their husbands not understanding them or not caring. Kids still complain about parents and life not being fair. Everyone is still trying to keep up with the 'Joneses' even while who the Joneses are has changed dramatically over the years and with the web and all. One of my favourite quotes ever comes from a scrap of papyrus that was over 6000 years old (probably still is), that was translated to read 'everyone wants to write a book, and children are disrespectful of their elders.'

So, define progress?

All I know is that if I am striving for 'progress,' without being okay with what I have now, I am not going to be content with what I have when I get that progress.

Doesn't mean I have to be grateful when what I have/had is genuinely lacking in some necessity.

Does mean that I don't want to be making myself unhappy because of an illusion. What is progress? Am I a bad person if I am not striving? Is it okay that I just be who I am and where I am at? If the idea of progress and the need to strive are blocking me from being happy with who I am and where I am at, then are they not poisonous concepts to me?

Thoughts for a morning when I should be getting dressed and out the door, and on way too little sleep.

I'm listening to John talking at Eliyahu. Some things truly never change

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:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06