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Honey is Sweet The bright side. - 2007-08-09 I'm grateful for: a really good trek to Karmiel; new sunglasses; my great-great-grandmama cat being a really tough old lady. It was an over-all successful day I guess. The actual driving to and from Karmiel went well and quicker than we'd expected. We were able to accomplish everything - well, everything we remember while we were there. Of course we forgot a couple of things. Such is life. We also did some shopping and visited the merkaz klitah where we lived when we first came to Israel. The menahelet was out sick, too bad, but we had a very nice visit with the em bayit, house mother. We stopped for a treat of a cold soda in a glass bottle in the merkaz, then headed home before rush hour got too bad. We even made it home in time to return some rented movies we had become just about resigned to returning late and paying a fee. There was a traumatic moment tonight when Chamdah, that evil, chick-killing horror of a pet, attacked my great-great-grandmother cat Joyce. Joyce is okay, Chamudah is spending the night in the cottage with Havva to keep her away from me, and John was a complete shithead. Oh, wait, I didn't need to say that, did I? I had hysterics which were maybe a quarter about what Chamudah did and the rest was all John. Someday I hope to be over this, but it was a very long day and I was tired and hungry and needed a bath and I've been bleeding pretty darn heavily and I just didn't have the strength to even cope with coping with his shit. I told him to go away, to stay away from me, I don't know, three, four times? I won't try to pretend I wasn't screaming long before the last time. What part of 'leave me alone you vile shit-heel' is hard to understand? Please, someone, explain this to me, because I really need to know just what it is I have to say, do, scream or ignite to be able to live with this incredibly sorry excuse for an adult male human being. I also said 'get away from me,' and 'leave this room.' I don't think I was being ambiguous. I understand thoroughly that I can't change him. I am not trying to change him. I am trying to take care of myself. When I am completely out of cope, hysterical, traumatised, in pain, tired, crying, hurt, well then if he isn't going to help I need to him stay away from me and leave me the hell alone. I am entitled to take care of myself, and I am certainly entitled to be left alone when I need it/ask for it/demand it. I called him some horrible names, told him he wasn't even human, I can't remember it all. I am not proud of this, I don't pretend it is acceptable behaviour. If that is what I have to do to get him to go away and leave me alone - for all of five minutes, because he kept popping his head back in like a jack-in-the-box, then that is what I have to do. I just feel horrible. I feel horrible about the screaming. I feel horrible about having hysterics. I feel horrible that my kids are the ones who try to comfort me while John skulks around acting like he's scared of the big meanie (me). I hate that he tries to stop me from have feelings and tries to turn every single thing that happens in this house to something about him. And I hate most of all living with that mutt who keeps trying and killing what I love. Oh, and I feel horrible physically, too. Just to round it all out. I've just about used up my ability to look on the bright side, writing to another friend who wrote me an email full of complaint around getting the swimming pool put up in the back yard. I answered back as if she had written to me full of gratitude rather than complaining. Long story, and I'm just too tired to go into it, but I figured it was good practice, as I do have to try and look on the bright side - not the bright side of having hysterics, but that today went really well otherwise, and my kids are simply wonderful, and I am even getting better at coping when I can't cope with John, and that sort of thing. If there is one thing I have finally learned, it really is all about attitude. I guess now I will take care of myself by getting some much needed sleep. Hopefully by tomorrow I will feel better enough that looking on the bright side won't be quite so hard. I'm listening to The Kinks: Death Of A Clown 0 bleats so far:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::
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