| - Profile -+- Notes -+-Archives-+- E-Mail -+-Diaryland-+- Fotolog -+- Latest - |
|
Honey is Sweet Monday morning - 2007-08-13 I'm grateful for: a little peace between my ears; a Hebrew workbook at just my level; our new Hebrew/English dictionary, it's wonderful! I just haven't/don't feel like writing, but yet here I am. What to say? The rabbit died. Simcha was devastated for a little while. Love the way the young bounce back. I put on a new (to her) episode of The Honeymooners and before it was half over she was laughing with clear eyes. Not that she'd forgotten her bunny, but she's accepted his loss. One result of all this is that she doesn't want another rabbit. I am so not crushed. I was thinking, maybe a ferret? *** Things with John have been difficult. He is trying, I suppose. I mean, he acts most of the time as if it's the same-old-same-old, but he's made two efforts to acknowledge things are wrong and (presumably) to make some kind of amends. Since the efforts that he's made haven't involved any actual change in his behaviour, I've pretty much ignored them. I don't see any benefit to me in another of his overblown apologies. In fact, I've been putting most of my energies into staying detached. Unfortunately(?) in order to maintain a safe/healthy distance I've needed to keep my guard up, and even be somewhat unfriendly towards him. However I am so much happier with the results that I can live with those consequences. While I am still truly disabled and cannot totally take care of myself, leave alone the house and kids, I have been able to do so much more in the way of self-care when I can keep John from taking over all the space in my head. It really is better for me to be doing as much of the physical stuff as I can (that John might otherwise have done for me) in order not to have to deal with his shit. Last night in the car on the way to Soroka hospital (friend David from the moshav was taken to emergency yesterday), John was in typical form. I made some comment about using a Hebrew For Dummies workbook, and he responded by agreeing that I was a dummy and basically reinforcing the idea that I'll never learn Hebrew. I turned around to Havva (who was in the back seat) and asked her 'Is there any way to tell him (John) how offensive and insulting that is?' She didn't respond, and I went on 'I mean it, can you think of any way to communicate that to him?' I feel REALLY bad about doing that to her. I just didn't know what to do. I am NOT going to engage with John about things like this, this is exactly the kind of thing I need to stay out of. And I clearly don't have the strength or detachment to either not converse with him at all or to keep my mouth shut and let him say/do whatever awful things he will. I really ought to know better than to use self-deprecating humour around him. On the other hand, it's how I cope with things that are painful that I can't do (like speak Hebrew after three years here, or clean up after myself in the bathroom). Without being able to make jokes out of how bad I feel, I'd be left with just the bad feelings. However whenever I do that around John, he agrees with whatever it is I've just said about myself. Sometimes a bit too enthusiastically even, but it sucks regardless. His response to what I said to Havva was 'I'm so sorry, I really didn't mean I'm such an asshole I can't believe I'm not trying to ...' All of which might have been gratifying ten or fifteen years ago but now I've heard it all before. Many times. It means nothing because it's all just about him trying to assuage his bad feelings without having to ever look at his actual behaviour, leave alone change anything. I am open to the idea that he really CAN'T change, that he's somehow so broken, or has some mental illness, that makes it impossible for him to behave differently. I keep an open mind, but that doesn't make what he says and does hurt any less. That's one reason I have to work so hard on staying detached. The bottom line is, whether he can or cannot change isn't my problem. My problem is living with him as he is, and finding ways to maintain some dignity and self-respect while doing so. Also learning to use what energy I have for myself, instead of spending it on any additional second of worrying about, thinking about, stressing about him. What this means is I haven't surrendered. He can keep on acting as if nothing has changed, I'm not even fighting him on it. I *have* changed. I've learned that I cannot afford to trade any peace between my ears for any help or care-taking from him. And if that means my hair doesn't get washed again, then so be it. I can shave my head again. I really, really want/need a metapelet or ozeret (different sorts of helpers, like a home health aide or personal care attendant). Wish I had the faintest clue how to go about finding one... Well, it's time I started my day here. I started on the computer about 8:30 and now it's 10am. I'm listening to noises from outside my window - birds chirping, a helicopter, and of course my fan running constantly. 0 bleats so far:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::
~~~Last Five Entries~~~ |
