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Honey is Sweet

Crap - 2007-09-02

I don't know what to say. There's no point in my trying to catch up, even if I had any clue what's going on. Tomorrow is supposed to be quiet except for John going to Maccabi to try and get a Hitchaivut - I've probably gotten that wrong even without the pathetic attempt at transliteration - which we bring to the hospital which tells them (at the hospital) that Maccabi is guaranteeing to pay them. Monday I got to Barzilai hosp., in Ashkelon, and I have absolutely no clue what happens when I get there. None.

I tell people I have no need to ride roller-coasters because my life is exciting enough. They don't tend to get it, though. I mean, isn't it reasonable that someone would have told me just what it is I'm going in hospital for - that is if I am going in and this isn't just another meeting with dr.s to tell me that they aren't going to do any of the things they said they would last time, now they have an all new something-else to try.

I've finally stopped bleeding from the last dr. snipping and poking me. So I'm going just in time to ensure that I haven't any clean undies ever.

*sigh*

There is loads of other stuff going on, including good news from Jessica - she passed her national licensing test - and some other good things.

Thing is, I'm full of unspecified bad feelings. Lots of them and I've kind of given up the struggle for this moment to sound upbeat or keep thinking of the positive. I am scared. I have NO faith that either Hashem or the medical professionals are going to take care of the things that are wrong. I really do feel just at this moment that I am entirely on my own with no one to lean on and no hope of support. I feel wretched. I hate it, and I hate myself when I am like this, but I am very clear this is not my fault. My life is NOT how I would choose to have it. The heat is monstrous. The last (Hashem willing) heat wave of this monstrous summer, and I am dying in it.

I've found myself confiding in my children. Not the younger ones, but it's still not good when I find myself telling my offspring things that they *really* don't want to hear from/about their mother, and I didn't even realize it was coming out of my mouth until it did. I really need adult friends to talk to.

I've left people hanging and blown people off while I'm in this state. I apologize to anyone who reads here - and someday I'll have to track down those that don't. You might think after all these years I'd get used to this shit, and stop promising or offering things I can't commit to. Well, clearly not yet I haven't.

I've got tons more bile to spew, but it's after 2am and I really, really have to try and get some sleep.

0 bleats so far

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~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06