I'm grateful for: a day at the beach; treatment for my poor dog's ear; seeing the sane road, even if it's not particularly fun.

It's amazing that I am still sitting up and typing - or anything. An amazing day.

I can't remember much of the morning, but I didn't sleep through it all. Havva had made an appointment for us to bring Balta to the vet this evening at 7pm. I was thrilled, 'cause that meant I didn't have to push myself to get ready to leave the house.

Well, instead we went to the beach. Not so much pushing myself involved, but when you add the drive, slogging across the sand a couple of times, trips up and down the beach to get to the bathrooms, not to mention actually playing in the waves a little bit, it was a bit much. I think my favourite part was watching Havva and Eliyahu playing Frisbee with Zechy and Simcha. The wind was having fun with them, but even so they managed to have quite a lot of fun. Especially Eliyahu, who wanted to chase the Frisbee no matter who's turn it was to catch it.

Second best was Simcha digging a hole in the beach sand deep enough she had to lie down on the sand to get her arm all the way to the bottom of it - where she hit water, and was delighted and amazed. I didn't know (not thinking about it much, I guess) that she didn't know that if you dig long enough in the sand at the beach you will eventually hit water. She and Havva made some pretty funny (and huge) piles of sand from the wet sand pulled from the bottom of the hole. Simcha rigged it to lower a little plastic bucket to the bottom to get out some of the water.

Zechy was and is sick, with some kind of virus. So Havva carried pretty much everything up to the car and Zechy and I dragged up the rear.

Havva and I had to rush a bit at home to hose off, get something to eat, and then drive Balta to the vet.

We got home around 8pm, so all went well. Balta has a bacterial infection in her ear, and a bit of a fungus infection as well. The vet says this is something normal around here. Poor Balta had to endure having her ear thoroughly cleaned out, and then the first treatment of medicine, but it seems to have helped already. At least she wasn't fussing about her ear anywhere near as much tonight.

Almost as soon as I was settled in my room, Jessica called. I wanted to avoid the call (bad Ima) but couldn't. It wasn't bad, though. Jessica had been looking for housing in Pennsylvania, and wanted to ask if I had anything worthwhile to suggest or add. I doubt that anything I said was particularly helpful, but I yammered on about older house problems and the state of human services in Pennsylvania.

The, almost as soon as Jessica had hung up, Diana called. Diana had, for whatever strange reason, telephoned mother and talked with her. She was really upset and I doubt she actually knew what she wanted from me. I listened to her rattle on for a bit, then asked if there was anything she could think of at that moment that I could do or say that would make a difference.

What she came up with, was that now that mother was treating her as the 'good' daughter (a role that only one of us can have at any time, and one of us *must* be the good daughter), she wanted to be reassured that I wasn't angry or jealous or -- what? I don't know. Neither does Diana. She wanted me to let her know it was okay for her to be the 'good' daughter. It took me a few moments to formulate the words, but what I ended up saying was that she was welcome to it. I want no part of anything that woman has.

It's true. I don't feel relieved, but it is a relief to know that I really, truly want nothing to do with that woman, and she has nothing for me. All I have ever gotten from her or will ever get from her is abuse, as she tries to get me to fill some need that I couldn't fill even if I knew what it was, even if I was willing to do it. As I inevitably fail in fulfilling whatever it is I get heaped with abuse, and more abuse, and, who needs it?

Anyway, it was a long and rambling phone call, both before and after that part, and I finally was able to get off the phone with her around 10pm. Dead tired, I watched the first ever Columbo movie with the kids, and basically crawled into bed. Tomorrow I'm going to be as sore and in pain as if I actually had let mother wale on me today. I'm glad that instead I have memories of my kids at the beach, and taking care of my kids, my animals, and myself.

John is being attentive and affectionate. I wish that it was real. If it was real I could respond in kind, and we could have a much nicer relationship. But if I even begin to act as if I am thawing towards him, he will become distant and, eventually, abusive. I really wish my life weren't full of so many difficult people. Of course many husbands are more high maintenance than any number of children. Doesn't make me like it any better in mine.

Wow, it's after 2am, and I started this over an hour ago. I must get some sleep. Goodnight.

I'm listening to the Dubliners: The Dundee Weaver

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06