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Honey is Sweet

-- - 2007-10-18

Today was very eventful. Havva phoned to say that a suspicious object had been left in front of the library. The police were there and were planning on blowing it up - that's what they do when they it might be a bomb, blow it up themselves. It's actually safer than trying to defuse it. I never actually heard the end of the matter, because Havva was working and not following the police around gawking, and it didn't show up in the news anywhere. Which is typical.

And -- we had the first rain. Very exciting. If you haven't lived in a desert farming, then you can't really appreciate how exciting and wonderful the first rain is. It smells wonderful. It was a real rain, with thunder and lightening at time it was heavier and at times it was very light. It is still thundering/lightening outside, but I don't think there is actual rain falling here now. There was for some hours though. Wonderful.

I know there were other things that happened, but right now they are subsumed in this big, terribly ugly fight I had with John. Only I can't say 'with' John. He doesn't fight. He just sits there. Does anyone else get how infuriating that is, how much worse than fighting? He doesn't say ANYTHING. Occasionally he makes faces, or gives out these huge sighs.

So first I'm talking, reasonably calmly, then I'm getting sarcastic and nasty, and finally I am yelling at him - all into this huge sponge of nothing that soaks it all up and gives nothing - absolutely nothing - back. Ever.

I can't blame the fight on him, I mean even besides the frigging 'menopause,' II definitely played my part in this. But it is his fault that discussion always turns into a fight, because we don't have discussion. Not ever. No matter how important or immediate the topic, we do not discuss. Because HE will not discuss.

There is no question that he brings out the absolute worst. Does anyone remember that thing - used to show up in my inbox a few times a year - 'I don't love you because of who you are, I love you because of who I am when I am with you.'? I really do hate who I am with him. I think I hate him for that.

What we fought about doesn't even matter, really. It's the same old same old. Either I'm going to find a way to accept it and have a decent life regardless, or I'm going to drive myself mad, or I'm going to have to find a way to get rid of the husband. I can't even guess which direction I ought to be heading in. I have no clue.

On a brighter note, I've just remembered, I got a wonderful email from Hans. It makes me very happy. So that's good.

I can't really write more or make any sense, I'm in too much turmoil. That sentence made sense when I typed it, but it looks wonky.

Good night

0 bleats so far

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~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
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