It's been busy, full, emotional, loud... all sorts of things, some of which are just normal, some of which are normal given my situation, and then of course there is my mother. NOT normal.

Why is she coming up? I really don't know. I sent out a mass mailing - some of you at least got it, just to let people know I'm home and okay. I'm fuzzy, can't always remember who I told what to so I may have sent it to people who I hadn't even told I was having surgery. Such is life. Anyway. I sent it to mother.

I don't know why it bothers me -- you know, that she hasn't bothered to respond. I never expected her to. I doubt she knew or cared that I was having these bleeding problems, certainly didn't care if I was doing okay or not after surgery. Not because I haven't told her of course. My sister mentioned that mother told her (again) recently that I am only interested in her for her money.

Since I get her financial statements (I've tried to get her to change that, even to acknowledge that it's happening, I do NOT feel that it's okay, but there it is) I know how much money she has. I'm not that interested.

But anyway, what kind of vile person is she that doesn't care (takes care not to know) that her daughter is having life-threatening uncontrolled bleeding, is having surgery, is home again and doing okay? I mean, none of this is new. So why is it bugging me today? That's what I don't know.

SHE certainly hasn't changed.

I think maybe a part of why I included her in the mailing was a need to verify (once again) that she is exactly what and who I've known and said she is for all these years. Like I have a need to test the waters every now and again, just to be sure. I have to answer all those voices in my head, the ones from all those people who've told me that OF COURSE she loves me, she's my mother!, and that she did her best and I can't blame her if it wasn't good enough.

Thing one, okay, she doesn't love me, she doesn't care. That is a fact, it's been a fact for my entire life, and it's just inarguable. People who choose not to believe it or live in some kind of lovely bubble in which all mothers love their children don't deserve my time and energy trying to refute them. I know what she is, I know what reality is, and I don't need to prove it to them or anyone else.

Thing two is a little harder, just because the words are hard to find and put together. She DIDN'T do her best. She ISN'T doing her best, she never had any interest or intention of doing her best. Not as a mother, not as a person. All she has ever been interested in, based on her behaviour in all areas of her life, is trying to make/force the world and everyone in it take care of her, make everything right for her (whatever that means). She wants to be pampered and comfortable.

Okay, her parents didn't care of her or take care of her. Such is life. No one cared for me or took care of me either. So much for that excuse.

No, mother never did her best, and makes it perfectly clear to my sister and myself fairly regularly, when she says things like 'I wouldn't do anything differently,' telling us that she is satisfied with how things were. And are. Except of course for us completely unsatisfactory offspring.

Well, fuck her anyway. She is not worth even this much time and effort. I can't help it that mothers take up a big space in one's life even when one has done everything one can to cut contact. She is not worth this. Bitch.

So aside from that, I had a long talk with Jessica today which was really hard, mostly because the connection was terrible, and I don't cope well with trying to communicate through static on the phones. I also had a long and frustrating run in with my Visa company. Not worth going in to it, part of it was the bad connection, a big part of it was some bullshit with the card company. I intend to phone back, and try to sort some of this out - sometime when a decent phone connection can be had. They claimed there was some sort of security problem with the account. They asked impertinent and sometimes extremely personal questions about things they had absolutely no right to know anything about. I was bounced from one person to another, each one telling me they would help me, no one enabling me to pay my bill (which is all I had wanted to do). Finally I was disconnected and had to phone back. That would have been absolutely the last straw, but the person I reached on phoning back was simple, helpful, and my bill is paid.

I want to cancel the card. I want nothing to do with these people ever again. If I knew I could get another credit card, I'd switch in an instant. However I'm not sure I can get another American credit card. I'm kind of stuck. Or not. I will investigate my options. I certainly don't intend to be treated like that again.

I am more than ready for the two extra kids and their puppy to go home. They've fixed on going tomorrow in the late afternoon. *Sigh* I really tried to get them to go first thing in the morning.

It's the noise. Today I've had the first bit of blessed silence since I came back from the hospital. It's just too much. Well, it's less than 24 hours now. I hope I can hold on that long.

I'm actually staying up later tonight, hoping to sleep through as much of the morning as possible. I know it's a bad idea, but trying to hold my head together with all the noise and confusion is an even worse one.

I'm flagging. Time to stop typing and give in to sleep. I feel foul and cranky. I hope tomorrow evening I will be doing better, but I don't know. I'm sure if I could just pound on somebody really thoroughly I'd be all better. ;-)

Maybe I just need some sleep. Good night.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06