Botticelli me thumbnail
- Profile -+- Notes -+-Archives-+- E-Mail -+-Diaryland-+- Fotolog -+- Latest -

Honey is Sweet

What a beautiful day - 2007-11-28

I'm grateful for: People in my life who are not psychotic; a quiet day to rest and recharge; loving my children

***
Two Mortars Hit Near Gaza Fence

Gaza terrorists fired two mortar shells at Israel Wednesday evening.

The shells exploded near the security fence within the territory of the Eshkol Regional Council, which borders on southern Gaza and Egypt.

No one was reported hurt.
***

The overwhelming part of my day was devoted to two emails from my mother. One this morning and one that I just saw a few minutes ago. This morning's email, I didn't even bother to read. I typed something like this -- 'Drop the rock. You say you are living your life day by day. I've heard it said that life is too short to hold a grudge. You seem to think life is to short to let go of a grudge. I'm having a good life. I hope you are too.' And signed with love.

I have no idea what she wrote to me, and I don't care. It undoubtedly has at best a strained relationship to reality. I sent her email and what I wrote out to my sister RS, FB my brother, and TH - husband. I wrote a little intro that suggested that if they wanted to read what she wrote, and there was anything I should know, to feel free to tell me, but if none of them even read the thing that was okay, too.

I need to share these exchanges - spread them as far as reasonably - because my mother's psychosis is so pervasive that I need as many proofs and as many people who can reassure me that what I remember is in fact what happened, or at least close. I know that my memory isn't perfect, and have to keep an open mind to the idea that I can remember what happened differently than it did happen, but with mother it is more important that I shore up belief in my own sense of what is going on.

That woman is so -- psychotic. There is no other word.

I don't even know if she is psychotic in her head (does she know how far from shared reality what she says and does is?), or only in her behaviour.

The really cool thing is that when I don't engage, that is, when my responses to what she writes have absolutely no connection to what she has written (as in when I write a response without reading the email), then SHE actually responds to what I wrote rather than with whatever insanity is more usually bubbling out of her.

Not that I want to play that game. I don't want a relationship with anyone in which I have to be playing too many games. It's just a cool thing to notice. For the first time in my life I do have some control over our interactions other than simply to refuse to talk and write to her. That's cool.

I actually started the day too early with a full bladder, after which I couldn't get back to sleep because I was fantasizing all kinds of insane things I could write to mother. When I realized that I was doing that, and didn't (don't!) want to do that I tried to stop obsessing about her and instead found myself obsessing about my Visa card, with which I have had not a few headaches lately.

As long as I couldn't sleep, I figured I would try to deal with the bank one more time - at least it would be one thing I theoretically could resolve. Amazingly as soon as I got myself connected, all the problems resolved themselves in no time at all. So I guess that was Hashem yanking my chain. Or at least will have been if the gift certificate they are supposed to send me actually arrives at the address I gave them. And who knows about that?

Well, while dealing with the woman at Visa, I thought of that thing that I wrote to mother and decided to go ahead and do it. Then the phone rang.

I might be wrong in the order of it, but I ended up on the phone for hours - my sister; TH; a friend who lives in Ma'ale Adumim, TF, who has a son Eliyahu's (S3's) age; another friend who lives south of Petakh Tikvah; my oldest daughter, Jessica (D1); my second daughter, D2; and I have undoubtedly forgotten somebody or other.

My sister has a friend who is in trouble with DSS in Massachusetts. Stupid, stupid story, her husband took the baby out shopping and ran into a store leaving the baby alone in the car. He came out to find a police officer there, who informed DSS of what had happened. It could just be another bone-headed husband story, except that this friend refuses to baby-proof her house, being convinced that she and her husband are always watching the baby and it's not necessary. Um. Leaving the whole issue of baby-proofing aside for the moment (and I am for it), she has a DSS social worker coming to her house after husband left the baby in the car, and she isn't even willing to baby-proof for the visit! There's also a bit of a history of mental illness here.

Now anyone who's been reading my diary for any length of time must know that I am quite strongly against removing children from the parents under any but the most dire conditions. But I can't help but wonder if maybe having the baby taken away might not be a very good thing in this situation. If it will jolt the parents into changing their behaviour, it might be a very good thing.

I'm really glad it's not my decision to make. I'm really glad that whatever happens, Hashem is there to look out for us. I'm worried sick about that baby girl, and all that, but, hey, I'm on this side of the ocean and I can't save the children. Only my own, and maybe make a difference in the lives of one or two more.

BTW, I want to be very clear that when I say I am for baby-proofing, I am not a fanatic. Children will find the most amazing ways to hurt themselves despite all our attempts to the contrary. I don't believe that it is good for them to be wrapped so thoroughly in cotton-wool that they cannot cope with the real world on their own. On the other hand, I strongly approve of those plugs that go into electrical outlets, locks on the doors of cabinets holding dangerous household cleaners and chemicals; and making sure that there aren't terribly sharp edges on the corners of the coffee table. Use a bit of sense if you have it. Scary how many people don't seem to have it.

So, mother, RS, RS's friend, oy! I forgot my friend from Scotland (who's birthday is coming up, and I need to find some sort of present for her), who's son's just ended up in a homeless shelter for alcoholics, TF (who rambled on and on and on and on about something to do with order and mistaking orders at the healthfood store where she works), D2 phoned because the puppy wouldn't stop throwing up. He got his first vaccinations today, and then the older daughter of the house ran right out afterward. The poor pup was so stressed out until she came back. She walked in the door, he stopped throwing up. But poor D2 in the meantime had to clean two rugs he got and try and calm him down...

D1 was crying and freaking out. I didn't know it but she'd been crying and freaking out at D3 (you guessed it, my third and youngest daughter), for about twenty minutes before D3 brought me the phone. I don't now if I was helpful, I know she found me irritating (I kept talking about how Hashem would make things all right. I remember how irritated I would get when people would talk to me that way - back in the day). At least I can hope I was a counter- rather than an added-irritant. Since she was going off to see an evil social worker right afterward.

I'm going to stop this now. All-in-all I guess it wasn't a very restful day. TH came home late from work, and I just realized he forgot all about making me supper. I forgot too, so it's not like I'm starving or anything, but it's a major bummer anyway since he came home late picking up the fixings for a proper supper for me. S3 had a very hard day, I think I am going to have to put more effort into spending time and attention on him than I have. Of course today with the phone ringing off the hook, I was kind of out of luck, but I can make more of an effort. I can.

We watched one episode of Columbo and one of Waiting for Gd before going off to bed. That was good. I got a bit of laundry folded, moved laundry from the washer to the dryer, started a new load. This is really good for me, as I've had to completely let S2 take over the laundry, I couldn't begin to cope with it. So maybe I am getting better.

And all is well and I'd just be relaxing into sleep now if it wasn't for that latest email of my mothers. I don't know whether or not to read this one. I don't know if I will be able to fall asleep if I do. I don't know if I will be able to fall asleep if I don't. I need Hashem's help here.

***

Some time later. Well, I read the bloody email. I'm not even going to try to respond tonight. Maybe tomorrow Hashem will give me a brainstorm. Or not. I'm busy having a life. One that doesn't really include her. By her own choice. So, I'm going to try and put my energy into living my life.

I'm listening to the washing machine spinning and the dryer running

0 bleats so far

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06